Hi there,

In today's blog I will share an awesome parenting resource I found and also a neat local community mental health (kids) event you might be interested in to help kids cope with grief. At the end of the blog I will give you an update on regular business hours and when I'll be closed for Thanksgiving. 

1. Awesome Parenting Resource:
First, do you wonder about how to help your child deal with stress? Do you have a child that struggles with overwhelming anxiety? Do you feel it's important to prepare your child with healthy anxiety/stress coping habits (since everyone feels overwhelmed and anxious at times)? Check out this podcast from NPR called Life Kit: Parenting, that specifically covers the topic of kids and anxiety (1):

I want to emphasize that all kids have anxiety sometimes just like all adults do. Some kids and some adults have more anxiety (or depressed moods) than others that may even meet clinical criteria for a mood disorder; however, dealing with stress is a normal part of the human condition. We can't change that we have stress, but we can find healthy ways to manage it. I think we can all benefit from continuing to grow our own healthy coping strategies in addition to modeling and teaching our kids useful mental health habits. Furthermore, doing this this moves our society to a more prevention based approach and healthy habits based approach, in comparison to just reacting to severe issues when they occur. 

2. Local Event For Kids To Help Them With Grief and Loss:
Do you have a child dealing with loss? Are you as a parent struggling with ways to talk to your child about it? Well, our local library system is putting on a special event this Saturday (November 9th), from 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. (2). Author and illustrator Cori Doerrfeld will read and discuss her two books she wrote specifically to help kids deal with loss and difficult emotions. For more info, click here (3). There is also a whole host of events (for adults too) that help with loss. Click the link above for all the details. 

3. Updated Business Hours For Scheduling Appointments:
Monday through Thursday, 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.

4. Thanksgiving Holiday Closing Dates:
I am traveling to see family up in Iowa and Minnesota during the week of Thanksgiving (cross your fingers for me that no blizzard decides to make things more interesting for us)! The office will be totally closed during the week of Thanksgiving, and there will be no newsletter that week. 

Closed Dates: Monday, November 25th through Friday, November 29th. 

Thanks for reading! Can't believe Thanksgiving is almost here... Where did October go? Talk to you next week Lega-Leader. 
​
​All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS-Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links:
(1)https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/parenting-difficult-conversations/e/64906668?autoplay=true
(2)https://thelibrary.org/death/
(3)​https://thelibrary.org/death/

Found this blog helpful? Other posts you might enjoy:

• 17 Tips To Encourage Healthy Parent and Child Communication
• New Office Pictures and Podcasts I've Been Listening To This Week (A great podcast resource in this blog on teen girls and anxiety.)

Hello Friend,

The cloudy, rainy, and cold weather is starting to feel like it's just going to be a permanent part of the Ozarks from now on. I guess there are a lot of dementors around (Harry Potter reference if you are a fan). Today will be a chilly one for those of you out trick-or-treating with kids. Stay warm!

This week's blog has updated pictures of the new office and also links to a couple of podcasts I've been listening to. I think these podcasts will be helpful for the Lega-Leaders out there (Relationship Legacy Leaders).  

For more information about Lega-Leaders, please read my past blog posts: 5 Easy Ways to Start Being a Relationship Legacy Leader Right Now (1), What is a Relationship Legacy Leader (2), or The Deeper Meaning Behind the Name MoxiePsychology Legacy (3).

First, new office pictures! Everything is coming together nicely at the new Plaza Towers location (4th Floor). I am definitely loving my new space. I really hope that clients find it welcoming, comfortable, and cozy. Check it out:

Nice, right!? Not pictured is our conference room. We just have a little more work to do to get the conference room ready for groups and classes, but it's looking great so far.

​There are two excellent podcast episodes I want to share with you this week. Both are from a podcast created by the American Psychological Association. This podcast is called Speaking of PSYCHOLOGY (4). I have enjoyed listening to this podcast; lots of relevant and applicable information from subject matter experts.

The first episode is about suicide, and what we know and understand about it (5). The next episode is about anxiety in teenage girls (6). I took away so much from both of these episodes. See the players below to listen:

What did you think of these episodes? Anything especially meaningful, or really stick out to you? What did you take away as a lesson, or something you might implement in your own life? How can you as a Relationship Legacy Leader apply this to your family, work, city, and communities you are part of? Comment below!

​Have a fun, safe, and Happy Halloween!

​All the best,
​Holly
​
​PS-Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added. ​

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader
(3)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/the-deeper-meaning-behind-the-name-moxiepsychology-legacy
(4)​https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/american-psychological-association/speaking-of-psychology
(5)https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/american-psychological-association/speaking-of-psychology/e/62336547
​(6)​https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/american-psychological-association/speaking-of-psychology/e/60552678

​Found this blog helpful? Other posts you might enjoy:

• ​​ 17 Tips to Encourage Healthy Parent and Child Communication
• What Does Dr. John Gottman Have to Say About Trust?
• Great Podcast Resource For Relationship Legacy Leaders in the Workplace
• ​Forever Homework For Couples
• Where Does Mental Health Begin? What Does This Mean For You?

Hi there, 

It's shurrrre been a brrrrrr and rainy day today in the Ozarks. The entire day was so dark and dreary, but I hope you are staying toasty and warm! Hot drink and comfy blanket weather is here. 

You may have heard that I'm moving. Well, everything is on track to open at the new location on Monday, October 28th. Yay!
​
Here's the full new address:
MoxiePsychology Legacy
1736 E Sunshine St, Suite 408
Springfield, MO 65804

The office is in the Plaza Towers building on the 4th floor.  

Everything at the new office is coming together nicely.​ Check out the progress with the suite renovation:

Stay tuned for pictures of the finished (and furnished) office. If you love HGTV, check out the "before" pictures of the suite from the blog two weeks ago: click here (1). Wow, a lot has changed! 

Thanks for joining me today. Have a great weekend!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

​References and Links
​(1) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/important-move-update-change-of-date

Hello,

​Hope you are having a great week! ​I have important move updates for you:

1. I will begin seeing clients at the new location (Plaza Towers, Suite #408) on Monday, October 28th. This is on the 4th floor. 

​2. The week of October 21st is my final week in Chesterfield Village (Dearborn Office Building, Suite #E202).

3. The phone may be down during parts of the day on Thursday, October 24th due to the installation/transfer of the phone line. I apologize for any inconvenience this causes. If you are trying to reach me and are having difficulty, please email me (holly@moxiepsychologylegacy.com). 

Here's the Full New Address:
MoxiePsychology Legacy
1736 E Sunshine St, Suite 408
Springfield, MO 65804

I know there have been a lot of move updates lately on the blog and not as much psychological content. So, for you Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) out there who closely follow the blog, I listened to a fascinating podcast recently that I want to share with you (1). This one is a little "off the beaten path" you could say of strict psychological knowledge; it covers the intersection of the mind and body.

One of my beliefs as a therapist is that the mind and body are deeply connected. I believe that what we eat affects our mental health (and our relationship health too). For example, how is a child who didn't eat breakfast supposed to be able to concentrate, be in a good mood, socialize with others, and be ready to learn? How might a child's intellectual and social functioning be different if he or she doesn't eat breakfast every single day in comparison to a child who does? How might a child's mood and functioning be if he or she consumes healthy protein and healthy fat for breakfast in the morning in comparison to a child who only eats something highly sugary? You could even substitute "child" here for "adult!"

Besides... For me personally, I know I get cranky if I don't eat... Raise your hand if you can relate! My concentration and patience is much less when my blood sugar is low. I can definitely tell how my mood and functioning changes throughout the day when my blood sugar is level versus dropping (or very low). That is why I make it a habit to eat when I'm slightly to somewhat hungry instead of ravenous and hangry. This way I'm not having to bounce back mentally and physically from such an extreme low, and my mood isn't on a roller coaster ride. You will just need to experiment for yourself to see what strategy gives you mental peak performance and the most mood stability. 

​So, today I want to share with you a podcast that explores the current research (that is being done as we speak), on the topic of preventing Alzheimer's (2). If you are a Lega-Leader who thinks about the physical, mental, and relationship health of the people you lead, then you are going to love this episode of Gastropod:

Hope you enjoyed the podcast! I know I definitely came away with some helpful ideas about which foods protect and which foods hurt the brain (you know me and how I love concrete ideas on things we can do right now). With that in mind, I have been planning how I can reduce my sugar intake, increase my omega-3 fatty acids, increase my consumption of fish, and increase my greens.

My sweet tooth is off the charts sometimes, so some of the changes will be hard for me, but I'm going to see where I can here and there cut down on sugar. Today I bought a coffee creamer that has 1 gram of sugar per tablespoon, instead of 4 grams per tablespoon that is in the creamer I usually get (no wonder I liked it so much). Added sugar adds up fast, but I do believe that taking it out in little ways can really add up over the months and years. I drink coffee on most days, so I think that changing my creamer could really help over the long run. 

​The researchers in the podcast mentioned that if you have a genetic risk for Alzheimer's you may not be able to prevent it entirely, but if you can prevent it's onset for a few years (or more), that would make a pretty tremendous difference. I think so too. Additionally, setting a good example for the kids in your life and helping them form good health habits provides protective benefits beyond just yourself.  

​Thanks for joining me today! Have a great weekend!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
​(2)https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/gastropod/e/59353191

Found this blog helpful? Other posts you might enjoy:

• Great Resource Alert! Ever Wanted To Understand Your Brain's Happy Chemicals Better?
• Say it Second
• Forever Homework For Couples
• Great Podcast Resource For Relationship Legacy Leaders In The Workplace
• The Deeper Meaning Behind The Name MoxiePsychology Legacy

Hello there!

I don't know about you, but I'm loving this fall weather! Yes to comfy sweatshirts, warm blankets, colorful leaves, and hot chocolate (my husband would say yes to pumpkin spice lattes). I am more of a peppermint and chocolate kind of gal than a pumpkin spice fanatic; although, I do enjoy pumpkin and chocolate together... Hmmmm, there seems to be a theme of chocolate here!  

As you may know, I am moving to the Plaza Towers. Last week on the blog I said I would begin seeing clients at the Plaza Towers on Wednesday, October 16th. However, there has been an unexpected delay with the suite remodel. The move date has been pushed back 2-3 weeks. So, if you are a current client, please continue going to this temporary location:

The Dearborn Office Building in Chesterfield Village (Office of Dr. Tifini Roberts)
2146 W Chesterfield Blvd
Suite E202
Springfield, MO 65807 

I am so sorry about the confusion, and thank you for your patience with my progress! I will keep you updated as I know more information. Here is the address of the new location at Plaza Towers:

MoxiePsychology Legacy
1736 E Sunshine St, Suite 408
Springfield, MO 65804

For before pictures, check out the images below! Check back after the move to see the after pictures.

I will be in one of the offices pictured above, and my wonderful and amazing colleague Anne Marie Frost, LPC from Hope Source Counseling will be in the other office (1). Anne is located in the Plaza Towers currently (Suite #813), but we will soon be moving together to Suite #408.

If you are an HGTV fan, you probably enjoyed the photos above!! Check back again later for the finished after photos. Have a great night, and enjoy some hot chocolate (or a pumpkin spice latte)! 

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

​References and Links
(1) ​https://hopesourcecounseling.net/

Hello there! 

​I have an important update: MoxiePsychology Legacy is moving to a new location. I am excited to announce that I'll soon be on the 4th floor (Suite #408) of the Plaza Towers office building. Thank you for your patience during this transition. 

New Address:
MoxiePsychology Legacy
1736 E Sunshine St, Suite 408
Springfield, MO 65804

I will begin seeing clients at the new location on Wednesday, October 16th. Until then, I will continue seeing clients at the temporary office of Dr. Tifini Roberts in Chesterfield Village (2146 W Chesterfield Blvd, Suite E202, Springfield, MO 65807).

My landline office phone number will be installed in the new office on Thursday, October 10th. Please note that there will be a very brief period (less than 30 minutes) where the landline will be down. I apologize for any inconvenience this causes.  

Please email or call with any questions or concerns you have. I want to do everything I can to ensure that the office move is a smooth process for all my clients. Thank you!

I also have more exciting news! At the new office location I will be working alongside my amazing friend and colleague, Anne Marie Frost, LPC. Her counseling practice is called Hope Source Counseling (1). Definitely check out her website for more information. Anne is already located in the Plaza Towers currently (Suite #813), but we will both soon be moving together to a brand new office in the Plaza Towers building. 
​
Have a wonderful evening!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1) ​https://hopesourcecounseling.net/

Photo by Studio Republic on Unsplash

Hi there! Hope you are having a wonderful Thursday. So glad you are joining me today.

For you Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) out there I have a new resource I'd like to share with you (1). So far in my blogs I've mostly explored how Lega-Leaders can make an impact on their romantic relationships, kids, friends, and family members. Today I am shifting the focus to our workplaces. Most of us spend a huge portion of our lives at work, so why not make it a great place to be? But how can Lega-Leaders make a difference? Where can they look for ideas that work? Well, I'm sure you have heard of the field of psychology, but have you heard of the field of positive psychology??? The research from the field of positive psychology gives us a ton of applicable habits, tools, and ideas.

​So, what is positive psychology? Here is a nice video summary (2): 

As you can see from the video, positive psychology was developed because it's not enough to only understand what is going wrong with people, but we have to also know what is going right in order to help people thrive (and not just survive). I think that Relationship Legacy Leaders can definitely benefit from understanding how people flourish, because being a Lega-Leader is all about being a positive role model, and encouraging people to thrive at home, in their workplaces, and in their communities.  

Alright, let's get to the recommended resource! I absolutely love the Making Positive Psychology Work Podcast (3) by by Michelle McQuaid (4). These are short, weekly, 25-40 minute podcasts where Michelle interviews key researchers in the positive psychology field. In the episodes they directly apply the research findings to people's lives individually, as well as explore how the research findings apply in the workplace. As always, I love simple, practical, and actionable habits that anyone can do, and this podcast always supplies tons of great research-based ideas that you can start right away.  

​For example, in this podcast episode embedded below you will hear about ways you can personally manage your emotions, rumination, and runaway anxiety. This definitely applies personally, at work, and in our relationships (5). 

​If you have now been bitten by the psychology bug and now are super curious about this awesome field of positive psychology, you can also check out the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, and it's associated links and resources (6). Dr. Martin Seligman (a leader in the field of positive psychology) is the director of the Positive Psychology Center and is also a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania (7). You may have heard of Dr. Angela Duckworth (8)? She wrote the book Grit and is also a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania (9). She too works with the Positive Psychology Center. Click here to access a readings and videos list recommended by the center (10). Right now people are really digging YouTube videos, so click here to go straight to the positive psychology video links that the center suggests (11). 

I hope I've sparked some interest in you on this super neat and helpful field of research. Talk to you next week! 

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
​(1) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader
​(2) ​https://youtu.be/1qJvS8v0TTI
(3) https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/making-positive-psychology-work​
​(4) https://www.michellemcquaid.com/talks/michelle-mcquaid/
(5) https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/making-positive-psychology-work/e/63249615
​(6) ​https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/
(7) https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/martin-ep-seligman
(8) https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/angela-duckworth
(9)https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth-ebook/dp/B010MH9V3W?ie=UTF8&qid=1462832602&ref_=tmm_kin_swatch_0&sr=1-1
(10) https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/learn-more/readings-and-videos
(11)https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/learn-more/readings-and-videos/video-lectures-leading-scholars

Found this blog helpful? Other posts you might enjoy:​

• Great Resource Alert! Ever Wanted To Understand Your Brain's Happy Chemicals Better?​
• 17 Tips To Encourage Healthy Parent and Child Communication
• 5 Easy Way To Start Being A Relationship Legacy Leader Right Now
• Statements And Links Discussing Mass Shootings Published By Psychological Associations
• Level Up Your Mealtime Game For Your Family's Health And Overall Connection

Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 12/8/2014​. The picture has been changed and updates/edits have been made for clarity (1).

The time in between getting engaged and getting married is often a very exciting—but also an incredibly busy and stressful—time for couples. Oftentimes there is a to-do list a mile long! When knocking out each of those items on your seemingly endless list of tasks to get done, what is really most important? Is it trying cake samples? Finding the perfect wedding dress? Planning the perfect bachelor/bachelorette party? Making arrangements for the honeymoon?

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am trained to think about what couples can do to protect their relationship and what factors put the couple at risk for divorce in the future. The best (and easiest) time to work on your relationship is when couples are first together—before getting married—because they are setting up the habits and patterns that define the rest of their lives together. Once harmful patterns are already in place, they can sometimes be hard to break after three, five, or ten years of marriage. If left unchecked, these negative habits can have a devastating impact on a couple, and they can sometimes even lead to the demise of a marriage. Even if couples, who come in to see me for counseling, quickly make changes to the most harmful of patterns, they still have to work on repairing all the damage that has been done in the past (which takes time).

So, what is the most important thing you can do to nurture and protect your relationship when you are engaged? I believe that the best thing you can do is to develop a healthy relationship outlook.  A healthy relationship outlook rests on six pillars:

1. Understanding and acceptance: Cultivate understanding and acceptance that the person who you love is often going to be the one who hurts you the most in life—and also that you will hurt the one you love (sometimes tremendously). Your partner sees you at your best, your worst, and everything in between. You will go through great times together—but also incredibly difficult ones.

2. How we work through our problems is more important than the problems themselves: Couples who understand that they will be each other’s greatest source of joy, but also pain, realize that it is not the problems that define them—it is how they work through their problems that defines their relationship. People with amazing marriages have just as many problems as other people. I think it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that people who are happy, or have happy marriages, just had it easy in life or are just lucky. In reality, everyone has problems—not necessarily the same ones—but everyone has struggles that are painful. It is how struggles are handled that makes all the difference.

3. Fess up when we mess up—​every time: Wise couples know that in order to prevent issues from piling up with each and every unresolved problem, it is important that they take full responsibility for their choices. Why is this important? Well, why do couples wind up in my counseling office? Just about every single one tells me it is because their problems piled up, one after the other, over a period of years, and they just could not take it anymore. In contrast, couples who have healthier marriages take full and unabashed responsibility for their mistakes (every single time) and completely avoid justifying poor decisions or blaming others for their actions. Furthermore, once responsibility has been taken, the offender takes steps to fix the problem and keeps his or her partner posted of the progress made.

4. An unwavering view that hurting our partner is NEVER justified, even when they hurt us first: When a relationship is new and fresh, oftentimes couples could never imagine doing something to hurt the other. As the newness wears off in a relationship, couples become more at risk for becoming complacent in a relationship. Slowly couples can get caught in the trap of doing things to hurt each other—just because they were hurt first. For example, Katie feels justified and "right" for yelling back and putting down her spouse because her spouse made a joke at her expense. Healthier couples take the hard line that hurting each other is NEVER okay, but this does not mean they think being hurt is all right. They just find a better way to communicate their hurts instead of lashing out at their partner to show how much pain they are in. Couples who get caught in this trap think that they are justified in what they did, because of what the other did first, when what is really happening is that they are becoming exactly what they did not like in the first place. 

5. Genuine apologies are the best apologies: Couples whose relationship problems do not become center stage in their life are experts at great apologies. When apologies are done in a sincere, loving, specific, and genuine way that demonstrates a clear understanding of the damage done—couples can move beyond their problems and focus on enjoying their lives! Genuine apologies are the remedy for old issues coming up over and over again like a broken record.

6. Intense empathy: Healthier couples have intensity about understanding and appreciating their loved one. They have an insatiable curiosity and respect in regards to the other person’s perspective, even though they may not always see eye to eye.

If you are currently in the early stages of your relationship or engaged, please consider making a firm commitment to working on these six pillars of a healthy relationship outlook in order to develop habits that make the good times even more wonderful, and protect your relationship during the rocky ones. Even if you are married and have been in a relationship for a while, these pillars can help you too! Working on these areas is a gift that will last well beyond your wedding date, and if practiced daily, can be benefited from for the rest of your lives together!
​
Thanks for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter or Facebook. Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.​

References and Links
(1) https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/december-08th-2014​

Found this blog helpful? Other posts you might enjoy:

• ​​ Say It Second
•  How To Use I Statements Effectively
• Forever Homework For Couples
• ​How Couples Can Communicate Clearly During Disagreements To Prevent  Defensiveness and Escalation​ 
• Are You A Couple Looking For Some Relief From Conflict? Here Are 8 Places To Start Right Now
• Feeling A Little "Off Track" With Your Spouse Or Partner? It's Okay, Every Couple Feels That Way Sometimes. Let's Talk About It. 

​Photo by Jared Sluyter on Unsplash

Hello Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! I have a few resources to share with you today that build on the topic of trust from last week (5 Rebuilding trust tips for couples) (2). I found two videos and one podcast that all center around Dr. John Gottman's views on trust.

​If you are unfamiliar with Dr. Gottman and his impressive research on relationships and communication, you can learn more about who he is here (3) or you can check out the home page of The Gottman Institute here (4). Also in those links you will discover that Dr. John Gottman has worked closely with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who has equally made incredible contributions to the field. 

I have been incorporating more and more of Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottmans' work into my practice because it is research-based and there are a variety of useful and effective tools for couples (I can't wait to share them with you!). These professionals have made such an incredible contribution to our knowledge about what makes relationships survive (and thrive), versus fail. Finally, after you have done 40 years of in-depth research on relationships, you probably know a thing or two about them (5)! 

As you can imagine, trust is an essential component of a thriving romantic relationship or marriage. Ongoing problems with trust often lead to relationship or marriage dissatisfaction. I know "trust" seems pretty abstract, right??? But boy you sure know when it's not working well in your relationship... So, how do you make real and lasting changes that you can FEEL? 

The good news is that we now know a whole lot more about which healthy habits to do (and which ones not to do). This has really been a major foundation of Dr. John Gottman's work. The even better news is that you can actually learn which habits lead to thriving romantic relationships, versus ones that lead to unhappiness or breakups/ divorce.

Here's the bad news: Forming healthy habits takes a willingness to learn and grow, and a commitment to long-term practice over time. It also means reducing and removing harmful habits (and being able to admit you have them). Which, that's not so bad, right?! You can do this!!! Healthy relationships are just based on skills you can learn, but it does take time and practice. This is often where a couples counselor can be really beneficial, because we can guide you on which habits to focus on improving (especially in the context of your specific relationship strengths and weaknesses). 

So, enjoy Dr. Gottman's views on trust, and start thinking about how you can turn his recommendations into real habits in your own life!

"John Gottman: How to Build Trust" (6): 

"John Gottman: The Importance of Trust" (7):

"74: John Gottman - How to Build Trust and Positive Energy in Your Relationship" (8):

What did you think about the trust resources? Where do you feel you can make some real improvements on your daily and weekly habits so you can really FEEL the difference as the months (and years) go by? When consuming videos, podcasts, books, etc., I think it's a good strategy to hone in on what was particularly meaningful for you and why. So, was there anything that was especially meaningful for you? If so, what made it stick out to you? Comment below!

​Talk to you next week! Have a terrific weekend!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
(2) ​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-rebuilding-trust-tips-for-couples
(3) ​https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/
(4) https://www.gottman.com/
(5) ​https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/
​(6) ​https://youtu.be/rgWnadSi91s
​(7) https://youtu.be/0edZLvUTojA
​(8) ​https://youtu.be/AbusKrcNJTI

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.

So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling.

Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:

• You are human, because every couple deals at some point with broken trust. 
• You have been deeply hurt by ongoing harmful communication patterns in the past.
• There have been boundary violations or affairs.

5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples
​
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 
This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice.  

The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:

• Am I asking many meaningful questions (out of curiosity and not to gather data just to prove my point)?
• Am I making several accurate summary statements of the speaker's point of view?

Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship.

I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. 

What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. 

Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills.

When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are.  I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past!

​2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 
Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened.  
 
A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. 

A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 
Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. 

Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." 

There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 

4. Follow up after an apology.
​Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology.

Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. 

A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.).

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process.  
Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!).  

I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. 

In summary...
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment.  

2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less.

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 

4. Follow up after an apology.

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. 

The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust?

I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below!

Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you!

Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
​(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second
(3)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively
(4)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly
(5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples
(6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation
(8)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now