Does your strength or strong personality attribute have a dark side? Try this exercise to grow your emotional intelligence and improve your relationships.

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Hello my brave community of Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) who are changing the world, and the legacies handed to them, for the better right where they are! For more information about Relationship Legacy Leaders, please read my past blog posts: 5 easy ways to start being a relationship legacy leader right now (1), what is a relationship legacy leader (2), or the deeper meaning behind the name MoxiePsychology Legacy (3). 

In today's blog, I have an exercise that will help grow your self-awareness, shine some light on a potential blind spot of yours, and improve your relationships. I want to get you thinking about your biggest strength, and what the dark side of that strength might be. You just might have a glaring blind spot!!

The truth is, we all have blind spots (me included). If you cannot admit to having blind spots, then you might need to work on your self-awareness and your ability to grow and accept feedback. Did you know that in our training as therapists we are encouraged to continuously work on and be aware of our blind spots? This is so we do not accidentally significantly harm others through our blindness. I think this is important and beneficial for everyone to work on (not just therapists)!

The reason I want to get you thinking about this, is that rarely are things cut and dry or black and white. In my experience as a relationship therapist I see and read about examples of this every day. I think that having an extreme strength is an example where it is mostly beneficial (and extremely helpful) for one’s life; however, there is often a significant downside that needs to be acknowledged and explored (especially when it comes to relationships and in leadership positions) in order to prevent accidental harm to others from our blind spots.

A personality trait or strength may be extremely beneficial in one context, but an extreme detriment in another. Often in our romantic relationships, our partner knows exactly what that detriment is, because he or she sees us at our best and at our worst. Same goes for any close relationships we may have (family, friends, work relationships, etc.).

Although, there is a difference for work relationships... They they usually get our highest performing selves while our family sees us at the end of the work day when we are physically and emotionally depleted. As you can imagine, this can create some problems if we are not aware of or sensitive to this dynamic! Our weaknesses and negative aspects of our personality can be more likely to come out after a long day. 

Many times when we are dating, we are attracted to a certain strong quality (or qualities) about someone, and it may even be a quality that is the exact polar opposite of our own! Initially, this can lead to fireworks, romance, and passion, but as the relationship matures and grows, these differences must be worked through in a way that feels good to both parties. Furthermore, as time goes on these differences may even now be the source of significant frustration and hurt. What once was a quality that was so attractive is now the quality that bothers you the most (or maybe drives you crazy)! Every couple has to find a way to navigate these difference in order to be happy and satisfied over the long run.

I think that if you are in a marriage and you want to grow in your personal self-awareness, as well as in the strength of your relationship overall, it’s helpful to have an understanding and acceptance of who you each are. Actually, I believe it’s vital to the success of your marriage or relationship.

Why? One, so you both can avoid getting to the place where your differences tear you apart until you break up or divorce. Two, to help you approach one another with understanding and good listening skills, and to not try to expect something that the other person just cannot give or do well. Three, to create meaningful dialogue that supports win-win scenarios that involves capitalizing on each other’s strengths to solve problems successfully.

Especially in regards to extreme strengths or strong aspects of our personality (for example, introvert versus an extrovert), these are things that themselves cannot be changed much (if at all). What can be discussed, explored, and changed is HOW you discuss them, and how you work with each other’s natural tendencies to find better solutions.

You need to find ways to roll with each others differences instead of rolling OVER each other with your one way of doing things.

Ready to grow and discuss what you have learned? Feel brave enough to shine a light on a potential blind spot? Don’t be scared! Lega-Leaders let’s do this!

Step 1:
Name one of your biggest strengths or strongest beneficial personality attributes.

Step 2:
List out why you believe this strength or helpful personality attribute really stands out. What is the evidence, and what are the facts supporting this belief?

Step 3:
How has this significantly benefited YOU in your life in general? If you are doing this exercise to understand yourself better as a leader, you should also list out how your example has helped you personally in leading at work, in a group you are in charge of, or as a parent (parents are leaders!). If you are doing this in the context of a romantic relationship, you would want to list out how this has benefited you in your relationship.

Step 4:
How has_________________(your answer from step 1) significantly benefited others in your life?

Step 5:
Are there any extreme tendencies or personality attributes that you demonstrate that go along with your strength? (For example, you have a strength that you are a very hard worker and always make sure to get the job done, no matter what. Even if the job takes 12 hours, you will get it done in one day which has led to career growth and financial stability.)

Step 6:
What do you see as the dark side (or potential drawbacks) to your strength or personality attribute?

If you are having a hard time with this, you might think of your strength in terms of it’s opposite… Maybe you are extremely creative, innovative, and dislike structure, and this has greatly benefited your career and relationships. However, you find that you let people down when you need to follow a certain path or procrastinate when you need to follow the rules (following rules and structure is the opposite of your strength). 

Step 7:
What feedback or constructive criticism have you received about the downside of your strength or personality attribute? Have you ever received any?

Sometimes when you are in a position of power people may be hesitant to give you honest feedback, unless honest and respectful feedback has been developed as part of that system (work, school, home, etc.) from the beginning. Something to note and be aware of…

Step 8:
How has___________________(your answer from step 1) negatively impacted those around you in the past? Can you think of any specific examples? Any present problems currently?

Step 9:
How might___________________ (your answer from step 1) potentially negatively impact future circumstances or relationships?

Step 10:
Given your answers above, in a few sentences, summarize a blind spot that you have that springs from a huge strength of yours or a strong personality attribute:

Step 11:
Now that you have awareness of the dark side of your strength or personality attribute, how can you use this to develop better win-win scenarios with others in your life moving forward? List out all the ideas you can think of!

Being honest and acknowledging your tendencies is a good place to start!

Step 12:
Given your greater awareness of the downsides of your strengths or personality attributes, how can this help you to grow your empathy and understanding for people who are different than you (who have different personalities and strengths)?

It can often be easier to be more understanding of our own weaknesses than other people’s, which is why I am picking your brain for ideas on how you can be more empathetic.  

Step 13:
How can you use your increased self-awareness on the dark side of your strongest strengths or personality attributes to now find ways to mitigate (or lessen) the harmful effects of that dark side? How can you lessen the blow so to speak...?

Step 14:
Do you have someone you could share these answers with? Who? Would he or she be willing to give you some constructive and respectful feedback on the topic?

In Summary
I hope this exercise was enlightening for you! I also hope that you pair this exercise with a huge dose of love, and overflowing understanding for yourself and others. This exercise can be a practice in fully embracing yourself and all the complexities that make you who you are. You are not good or bad, you are whole as you are!

There is no shame in being you. This often includes having a strength in one area that makes us not as good in something else. That’s okay. That’s life, and we are all in the same boat! And life in that boat would be BORING if we were all the same. We are often drawn to others exactly because they are different than us, and other people are attracted to us because we are different than them.

​People love you exactly for who you are—so be you! Just like you love people for who they are (even with their warts). 

This world needs more Lega-Leaders like you who are daily finding ways to celebrate each other’s strengths, and who are driven to find ways to collaborate even though we are different and not perfect.

Lega-Leaders, what do you have to say about this topic?
Thanks for joining me today. As a lega-leader, what blind spots have you discovered? Are you in a long-term romantic relationship, family relationship, or friendship where you both have completely opposite strengths or personalities (introvert vs. extrovert, loud vs. quiet, organized and logical vs. messy and creative, etc.)? Any opposite attributes that drive you a little crazy? What do you believe are good ways to develop win-win scenarios that elevate everyone’s positive attributes and strengths (instead of being driven bonkers by them)? I would love to hear your ideas! Please share, because your ideas and solutions may help someone else!
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All the best,
​Holly
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​PS- Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added. 

​References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader
(3)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/the-deeper-meaning-behind-the-name-moxiepsychology-legacy