​Photo by Jared Sluyter on Unsplash

Hello Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! I have a few resources to share with you today that build on the topic of trust from last week (5 Rebuilding trust tips for couples) (2). I found two videos and one podcast that all center around Dr. John Gottman's views on trust.

​If you are unfamiliar with Dr. Gottman and his impressive research on relationships and communication, you can learn more about who he is here (3) or you can check out the home page of The Gottman Institute here (4). Also in those links you will discover that Dr. John Gottman has worked closely with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who has equally made incredible contributions to the field. 

I have been incorporating more and more of Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottmans' work into my practice because it is research-based and there are a variety of useful and effective tools for couples (I can't wait to share them with you!). These professionals have made such an incredible contribution to our knowledge about what makes relationships survive (and thrive), versus fail. Finally, after you have done 40 years of in-depth research on relationships, you probably know a thing or two about them (5)! 

As you can imagine, trust is an essential component of a thriving romantic relationship or marriage. Ongoing problems with trust often lead to relationship or marriage dissatisfaction. I know "trust" seems pretty abstract, right??? But boy you sure know when it's not working well in your relationship... So, how do you make real and lasting changes that you can FEEL? 

The good news is that we now know a whole lot more about which healthy habits to do (and which ones not to do). This has really been a major foundation of Dr. John Gottman's work. The even better news is that you can actually learn which habits lead to thriving romantic relationships, versus ones that lead to unhappiness or breakups/ divorce.

Here's the bad news: Forming healthy habits takes a willingness to learn and grow, and a commitment to long-term practice over time. It also means reducing and removing harmful habits (and being able to admit you have them). Which, that's not so bad, right?! You can do this!!! Healthy relationships are just based on skills you can learn, but it does take time and practice. This is often where a couples counselor can be really beneficial, because we can guide you on which habits to focus on improving (especially in the context of your specific relationship strengths and weaknesses). 

So, enjoy Dr. Gottman's views on trust, and start thinking about how you can turn his recommendations into real habits in your own life!

"John Gottman: How to Build Trust" (6): 

"John Gottman: The Importance of Trust" (7):

"74: John Gottman - How to Build Trust and Positive Energy in Your Relationship" (8):

What did you think about the trust resources? Where do you feel you can make some real improvements on your daily and weekly habits so you can really FEEL the difference as the months (and years) go by? When consuming videos, podcasts, books, etc., I think it's a good strategy to hone in on what was particularly meaningful for you and why. So, was there anything that was especially meaningful for you? If so, what made it stick out to you? Comment below!

​Talk to you next week! Have a terrific weekend!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
(2) ​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-rebuilding-trust-tips-for-couples
(3) ​https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/
(4) https://www.gottman.com/
(5) ​https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/
​(6) ​https://youtu.be/rgWnadSi91s
​(7) https://youtu.be/0edZLvUTojA
​(8) ​https://youtu.be/AbusKrcNJTI

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.

So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling.

Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:

• You are human, because every couple deals at some point with broken trust. 
• You have been deeply hurt by ongoing harmful communication patterns in the past.
• There have been boundary violations or affairs.

5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples
​
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 
This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice.  

The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:

• Am I asking many meaningful questions (out of curiosity and not to gather data just to prove my point)?
• Am I making several accurate summary statements of the speaker's point of view?

Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship.

I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. 

What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. 

Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills.

When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are.  I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past!

​2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 
Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened.  
 
A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. 

A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 
Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. 

Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." 

There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 

4. Follow up after an apology.
​Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology.

Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. 

A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.).

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process.  
Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!).  

I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. 

In summary...
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment.  

2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less.

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 

4. Follow up after an apology.

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. 

The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust?

I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below!

Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you!

Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
​(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second
(3)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively
(4)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly
(5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples
(6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation
(8)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now