Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.

So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling.

Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:

• You are human, because every couple deals at some point with broken trust. 
• You have been deeply hurt by ongoing harmful communication patterns in the past.
• There have been boundary violations or affairs.

5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples
​
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 
This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice.  

The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:

• Am I asking many meaningful questions (out of curiosity and not to gather data just to prove my point)?
• Am I making several accurate summary statements of the speaker's point of view?

Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship.

I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. 

What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. 

Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills.

When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are.  I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past!

​2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 
Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened.  
 
A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. 

A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 
Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. 

Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." 

There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 

4. Follow up after an apology.
​Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology.

Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. 

A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.).

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process.  
Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!).  

I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. 

In summary...
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment.  

2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less.

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 

4. Follow up after an apology.

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. 

The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust?

I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below!

Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you!

Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
​(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second
(3)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively
(4)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly
(5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples
(6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation
(8)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now

Hello. I'm so glad you are here. Hope you had a great 4th of July. No original blog or newsletter last week due to the holiday, but a brand new original blog today.

Thanks for watching! Any comments or questions? I'd love to hear them! Hope you are staying cool with the summer heat and humidity. I could really use a nice beach right now...

All the best,
​Holly
​
​PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

Hey there! I just thought I would do something a little different today and post a video for you. Enjoy!

By the way, if the video was helpful, can I ask you a favor? I am researching putting together some workshops that would be similar to what you just saw above.

Essentially, there would be a small educational component to the workshop, but most of the time you would actually be focused on how to apply the information to your own life. Additionally, since there would be others attending too, you could get feedback and support from the community. The workshop would likely be repeating (every week on the same day and time) so that you could continue to refine and hone your skills. The goal of the workshop is to provide the public with a fun and useful way to support mental health. Counseling is great (and very helpful), but I guess I'm wondering if there are other ways to support mental fitness that the public would be interested in.

Some questions:

1. What topics would be helpful for you?
2. How much would you be willing to pay for a 45 minute workshop?
3. Would you go? Would you not go?
4. Would you rather do the workshops in person or online?

Any thoughts or feedback are much appreciated! Please comment below or send me an email. Thank you :) 

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​​
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

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​Do you value psychological health and thriving relationships? If you do, then read on. Today I will discuss 5 easy (and impactful) ways to start being a relationship legacy leader right now (1). You might be someone who values strong relationships, but you would love some inspirational ideas where to start. Or maybe you are a manager or CEO who is looking for ways to connect with your employees. You might even be a parent looking for some tips for nurturing a healthy family. 
  
To review or if you are new (welcome!), a relationship legacy leader is:
Someone who is committed to healthy relationships and emotional health for themselves, and also for the people around them. These progressive leaders deeply value thriving and resilient relationships, but are also keenly aware of the relational and emotional impact they have on other people: their partner or spouse, friends, relatives, co-workers, people in their community, kids, etc. These leaders know that in order to collaborate effectively, achieve the greatest growth, and to experience meaning and satisfaction out of life it takes growing our relationship and emotional skills. They intentionally seek out where they can make a difference, and make a conscious choice to do something positive. Whether the impact is on a few people or many, they know it all matters.   

Seriously, whether your impact is mainly with your close family members or you are a CEO of a large company, it’s all important. What you do matters. The small steps and changes you make are significant, and can completely change your life and the lives of those around you. For example, can you think back to something that someone did or said that completely changed your life in a positive way? Was there a close friend, a coach, a mentor, or a teacher that had a positive impact on you? What did they say or do? That person made a personal choice to say or do what they did; it wasn’t an accident. You can make choices like that too.

5 easy ways to start being a relationship legacy leader right now:
1. Learn how to recognize and label different emotions within yourself. How many can you name?

• This article on the Harvard Business Review contains a nice simple list of emotions to start with and memorize (2). 
• Identifying emotions within yourself is one of the first steps to greater self-awareness and greater empathy for the experiences of others. This in turn leads to better leadership and a stronger connection with others.
• Labeling our emotions is important if we want to utilize our emotions as a source of helpful information (harness the power of your emotions—they are telling you something!). This is in contrast to our emotions at the wheel driving our thoughts and behaviors in ways we don't understand, like, or want.
• After you have practiced identifying your own emotions, use that knowledge base to grow your empathy and start working on identifying others' emotions.
• Work with your kids on identifying and naming their own emotions in a kind and curious manner. Just like you are practicing with yourself, help them notice their emotion and come up with some different ideas or solutions. 
• If you are a leader at work, in your community, or in politics, have an open discussion about the emotions occurring on a particular topic. Model exploring emotions. Teach others about labeling their emotions. Encourage others to label and discuss their emotions, and also encourage the use of emotions as one source of helpful information for problem solving.

2. Learn how to recognize and label when you are HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, and tired).

• Like the author of this blog post, I too learned about HALT when I was working in a substance treatment agency (3). I helped my clients learn about HALT and how to address these states, in order to help prevent a relapse.
• HALT doesn't just apply to relapse prevention; I still use this acronym in many situations. I use it when I counsel couples. I also ask myself daily if I'm feeling HALT whenever I am feeling a strong emotion to see if I need to eat, take a break, talk to someone, etc. When my daughter, who is 3, experiences a strong emotion or behavior, I think about HALT as well. It guides my parenting.
• HALT is so useful to know because it is often at the source of strong emotions. It's helpful data: figure out how much is HALT and how much is the situation at hand. The answer will depend on what's going on at the moment, and you can use that information wisely (instead of emotionally reacting). Every time you are experiencing a strong emotion, ask yourself if HALT is driving your feelings and reactions. If so, which specific ones, and how much of each? Are you starving and cranky because you missed lunch? Have you had several long days at work and feeling exhausted, and now you are lashing out at your family? What are the most effective ways that you work through HALT in your own life? Do you have effective ways of handling hunger and tiredness, but not loneliness? If loneliness is a challenge for you, how can you work on that? 
• HALT can be used with children. As adults we need to set appropriate consequences and boundaries, but equally we need to try to get underneath their behavior to discover the reason for it. If we only set consequences and do not try to understand the behavior, our efforts simply will not be as effective. HALT helps us to better support our children's needs and leads to greater empathy and understanding for our kids. It's too easy for us as adults to just get frustrated with our children's behavior—often there's a reason for our child's choices. Identifying if HALT is at play will help you implement more effective parenting solutions instead of just getting angry and blaming/shaming. Are they feeling hungry? Do they need a help labeling and coping with their feelings of anger and frustration? 
• Don't have important conversations when you are feeling HALT. Everything you say will be colored. Self-care first. 
• Finally, HALT can prevent us from lashing out at someone or even assigning incorrect blame to someone. Can you think of a time when you were feeling HALT and it strongly altered the whole way you viewed a situation (or a person)? And then once you addressed HALT you maybe had a more accurate and fair perspective? Now, there are definitely times when we need to talk to someone and hold them accountable for something—I am a strong advocate of constructive communication and giving genuine and meaningful feedback (I work with all couples on this). But, before giving feedback, we need to ask ourselves how much of our own HALT is playing a role in the strong feelings.
• When you were growing up, if you had parents who tended to meet your physical and psychological needs, you might be a little better at recognizing HALT and doing self-care (and not feel guilty about it). If you did not have parents who modeled self-care, and did not teach you the importance of meeting your psychological needs, you may need more practice. If you are in that boat, practice giving yourself permission to do self-care and consistently address your needs. 
• HALT is just a good thing to regularly assess within ourselves throughout the day.

3. Be curious. Curiosity goes hand in hand with empathy, understanding, and eventually better choices and decisions.

• Brené Brown said in her book Dare to Lead: "As we push on these issues and discover our own blind spots (we all have them), we need to stay very aware of the armor assembly process here: We cannot practice empathy if we need to be knowers; if we can't be learners, we cannot be empathic" (Brown, 2018, p. 145) (4).
• Who are the leaders we like and who inspire us to be better? The leaders who understand us, are curious about us, and who really care. You can be like that too with your kids, friends, co-workers, partner, or with your community.
• What does curiosity look like? It's asking questions and not just assuming you know everything. Be curious in a non-judgmental and non-hostile way. Curiosity doesn't mean you necessarily agree with everything the other person says. Especially when you have a different opinion be aware of the tone you are using.
• Be curious about both yourself and other people. 
• Warmth and curiosity brings people together, and being someone who knows everything pushes people apart (and can even destroy relationships). 
• Practice curiosity the next time you feel a little upset or confused about something. Ask questions with warmth, and practice setting your pride aside for a moment. 

4. Use the phrase “I’m glad you told me."

• This phrase comes from another helpful quote in Brené Brown's Dare to Lead book: "If I share something that's difficult for me, I'd rather you say, "I don't even know what to say right now, I'm just so glad you told me." Because in truth, a response can rarely make something better. Connection is what heals." (Brown, 2018, pp. 141-142) (5).
• I like the phrase "I'm glad you told me" because it can be applied in so many situations... When your child shares something hard for her or something she's excited about. When your employee notices a problem and shares a helpful and innovative solution for fixing it. When your partner shares something painful he or she is going though, or a concern he or she has.
• The phrase opens up dialogue and encourages open communication in a variety of situations. 
• Think you can put your pride aside and use the phrase when your child, spouse, or employee has a concern they are sharing with you? What about if it's something about you personally that they have a concern with? It would be good practice in encouraging open and curious dialogue by saying the phrase "I'm glad you told me," even when it's a painful or difficult topic.  
• When you use this phrase, others around you will use it too. How many times have your kids said something that you have said, or done what you have done? This would be a good phrase to start saying with the people in  your life. It will catch on and benefit the entire system. This also applies in workplaces, churches, in our communities, and in politics. 

5. Fess up when you mess up—every time (for the rest of your life).

• This just means whenever you notice you said or did something hurtful, you apologize for it. Every time. Even if the other person probably knows you are sorry, still saying something so that the issue can cool off and turn into something that's forgotten instead of a major wound that could possibly end the relationship. 
• Apologize appropriately. Don't take responsibility for someone else's actions. Don't over or under take responsibility. Practice owning up to exactly your part, and that's it. 
• This is one of my (many) Holly-isms. I am such an advocate for each of us holding ourselves accountable for our own actions. Obviously, we know this is probably important and good advice. However, I think I am so strongly in favor of this because of all my experience working with couples... When couples use this and stop finger pointing every other sentence, we get some real work done. I have seen a lot of couples in my office work through a wide variety of topics. And I can tell you that the differentiating factor between a successful discussion and an unsuccessful discussion was whether or not each person came forward and honestly admitted where they hurt each other and where they each could positively contribute to resolving the situation. That's it. Putting pride and ego aside is essential. It takes practice though (especially when we have been hurt), and it's easier said than done. 
• Fess up when you mess up—every time (for the rest of your life), helps to combat the urge to hurt others when we are hurt, because it forces us to always have to acknowledge our role. As a side note, in cases of abuse, there is a clear cut situation of one person hurting the other. The victim in no way should take any responsibility for any abuse. But in most other relationships, we each need to think about where we are accountable and hold ourselves accountable (out loud) for our relationships to thrive and be successful. 
• Doing this admits that we are all human. We all make mistakes (big and small). That's okay. It's not about being perfect (which is impossible), what I am more concerned about is that the error was acknowledged and genuinely apologized for. This helps the issue to dissipate, and may even help the relationship to be stronger. Not apologizing significantly weakens your relationships. It's not an exaggeration that apologizing each time you hurt someone can prevent many unnecessary relationship breakups.

​I hope the five ways to start being a relationship legacy leader inspired some ideas for you. I truly hope you can visualize where you can start making some simple changes. The ideas above are simple, but powerful when implemented. 

There are so many reasons why I think being a relationship legacy leader is important, and why each of us doing our part is important. Today I will just mention one—as a way to change the culture of mass shootings and school shootings we are seeing in our country and across the world.

To me, as a therapist, I see these shootings as another reason why it’s important for all of us to take care of our mental health, to destigmatize mental health care, to destigmatize discussing feelings, and to encourage teaching our young kids about emotions (especially boys—they have been hurt for too long by shaming them for having feelings besides anger).

I don’t know about you, but when I see the news of another school shooting or a mass shooting, I feel heartbroken and devastated. Sometimes I even cry. I cried when I heard the news of the shootings at the two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand.

This week there was a school shooting at the University of North Carolina Charlotte (6). There are likely some important legal changes that need to be made, but what can we do right now (no matter where we fall on the political spectrum)? I believe that each of us, in whatever corner of the world we are in, can start to make a difference now—even on a topic as big as school and mass shootings. How? By being a relationship legacy leader in whatever corner of the world we are in.

Psychology is all around us. Our psychological and relationship health matters. Psychology is not a "soft science;" it's a vital science for the success of the human race. Viewing psychology as a "soft science" has been a massive blind spot for us, and has led to the denial of the importance of mental health and relationship health. The good news is, we can all do something, starting right now. 

In summary, you can be a relationship legacy leader by:
1. Learning how to recognize and label different emotions within yourself. 
2. Learning how to recognize and label when you are HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired). 
3. Being curious. 
4. Using the phrase "I'm glad you told me." 
5. Fessing up when you mess up—every time (for the rest of your life). 

So, think about what we explored today. Have a discussion with people you trust about being a relationship legacy leader. Print out the article as a guide if that's helpful. Who do you want to start impacting positively? What is one small thing you can do right now? Do it. It matters. Remember that the people who positively impacted you made a personal choice to do so. 

Please share if you are thinking of implementing one of these 5 ideas or if today's blog inspired you to make some changes. Looking forward to reading your comments.

Thank you for joining me today! If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. 

Talk to you next week. 

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​

​ 
References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader
(2)https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-emotions
(3)https://healthypsych.com/h-a-l-t-hungry-angry-lonely-and-tired-a-self-care-tool/
(4)Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts [Kindle SDK 6.0.1 version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com. 
(5)Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts [Kindle SDK 6.0.1 version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com. ​
​(6)​https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/01/us/unc-charlotte-shooting.html?module=inline

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​Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

Have you heard about the mental health benefits of family meals together? Family meals are protective against a variety of child and teen challenges such as depression/suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, substance use, and violent behavior. This is especially important to be aware of with mental health disorders on the rise in teens.

So, how do you make the most of family mealtime? Well, today I will discuss a few different ideas for leveling up your mealtime game by making your time together higher quality and more meaningful. I will discuss some questions to ask at dinner to spark discussion. I will also explore some realistic goals and expectations to have. There are some insights and observations from my own family I would like to share with you. Lastly, I have a family meeting activity idea and some inspirational questions for you to think about.

Meaningful (and Fun) Questions to Discuss at Dinnertime:

• What was your high (or best part of the day)?
• What was your low (or worst part of the day)?
• What was the funniest part of your day?
• What are you grateful for?
• What are you looking forward to?

​I recommend making the above questions (or another set of core questions that you prefer) a habit that you do as often as possible at dinnertime. You can play around with the questions you to ask to find which ones you like the best. Or start from scratch and make up your own.

Realistic Expectations and Goals for Family Mealtime:

• The questions above can work with couples who have kids or who don’t have kids. The questions are nice because they really help you to catch up with and connect with anyone important in your life that you are sitting down to eat a meal with.
• It’s okay if you can’t eat every meal together with your partner or your kids. Don’t give yourself a guilt trip. For many families eating every dinner all together just isn’t a realistic expectation with work schedules, the kids’ extracurricular activities, and possibly the parenting plan if you are a blended family. Maybe for your family, breakfast meals or weekend meals are when the family can all be together. Furthermore, you don't have to only ask these questions at mealtimes; discuss them when it works in your family's schedule.
• You can ask the questions above at breakfast or lunch too, but you might change them a little bit. For instance, since breakfast is at the beginning of the day, you probably wouldn't ask the high and the low for the day because it really hasn't all happened yet! No worries! Just brainstorm some other more relevant questions to ask (for example, "what are you most excited about school or work today?"). Or, you can ask what the high and the low was of the day before. If you haven't seen your kids all week because they were staying with their other parent, you might ask them what the high and the low was of the entire week.
• Focus on the quality of your interaction. Put away your phones (totally out of sight and on silent), don’t answer phone calls and texts, and focus on being fully present. How often do you answer texts, answer phone calls, or respond to social media posts at dinner? A little more than you'd like to admit? You might consider a no electronics rule (for everyone) at dinnertime. 
• If you do have kids, the parents are the leaders of the family, so it’s up to you to model and put in place healthy mealtime habits.
• If you start to implement new mealtime habits and your kids aren’t so hot about the new rules and new questions, stick with it. Don’t give up when you ask your kids about their day and they don’t give you much of a response. Or maybe your kids complain about not having their cell phone at the table. Please know mama and papa bears that you ARE making progress just by starting some new habits! What counts is that you demonstrate consistent genuine care and concern. Consistent genuine care and concern is forward progress no matter what your child's immediate response is. When you do that with your children, they will get the overall sense/feeling that you love them, care for them, have their backs, and are genuinely interested in their lives. This impacts the culture of your family (for generations), and in my opinion, it helps create an atmosphere where stress levels can come down and bodies can physically and mentally heal knowing there is safety and love in the home. So, your kids will share when they are ready; just keep doing your thing no matter what they do! You might find that outside of mealtime they share something important about their lives with you because they feel comfortable sharing the information. Be patient and don’t push too hard. These questions are supposed to be fun and spark conversation. For more on this topic, click here for my blog on 17 Tips to Encourage Healthy Parent and Child Communication.

Insights and Observations from My Own Family
Start when your kids are young, and start now. My family (Nathan and Alex) began discussing the dinner questions above at family dinners when Alex was 2. We usually have each person answer all the questions at once, and then we go to the next person. You of course can do them how you like; maybe you ask one question and then have each person take a turn answering the same question. When Alex was 2 she couldn’t always answer all the questions, but she answered quite a few of them. Some days she talked a bunch, and other days she didn't have anything to say. Sometimes she didn't say anything for several days. What was amazing was that because we made it a habit at dinner, Alex started asking us the dinnertime questions at mealtime! She now has all of our regular dinnertime questions memorized and seems to genuinely enjoy our mealtime interactions. Sometimes she even asks other people or her friends the mealtime questions.

I like that my daughter is learning at a young age about the concept of gratitude since so much has come out about how important gratitude is to our mental health. I also know it’s important for me to stop every day and think about the things in life I am grateful for. For me personally, practicing a mindset of gratitude has really helped me to be aware of the things I do have and the things that are going right in my life. It's sometimes easy to get caught up in all the things I have to do, the stresses in my life, or the things I wish were different.

You know, I really look forward to hearing my family answer the questions. It helps me stay connected to my family from the day to day. I have noticed that sometimes information gets shared with each other that likely may not have been shared unless we took the time to ask and check in. There have definitely been moments where I heard a response and I have thought to myself, “I’m glad we ask these questions!” I also enjoy answering the questions—it’s nice to be able to share what happened in my day.

Along the lines of sharing your day and connecting, research is finding that loneliness and disconnection is harmful to our health. Is there someone you can connect with regularly about your day even if you live alone? The article I just linked to about loneliness recommends quality face to face interaction as the best way to combat loneliness, and discusses how social media can actually make us feel more isolated.

My family falls into the category of some scheduling conflicts so I miss family dinner Monday through Thursday (I work and see clients in the afternoons and evenings because that is a good time for couples to come into the office). So, I just aim to be flexible. For example, in the mornings I have the opportunity to have a nice slow breakfast with my daughter. I use that time to connect with her. Sometimes on the drive to my daughter’s preschool I will ask her what she is looking forward to. She has spontaneously come up with a question she wants me to ask her every day—she likes having me ask “what kind of day do you want to have today?” When I ask her, she usually says a "silly day," because she loves being silly! In the evenings after my daughter is asleep, my husband and I will ask each other the “dinnertime questions” so we can catch up with each other. On Friday’s and the weekends, we all have the opportunity to eat dinner together, and so we use that time to ask the dinnertime questions.

Activity Idea
Even though parents are the leaders in the family, it doesn’t mean you have to do all the work. Hooray! Find ways to include your kids in thinking about family mealtime. For example, call a family meeting. Have everyone (especially the kids) brainstorm ideas for family mealtime rules (e.g., no answering text messages at the table). Do a separate brainstorm for your set of regular family mealtime questions. Remember the rules of a good brainstorm session: don’t shoot down anyone’s idea, put all the ideas down on a list, and once the brainstorming is done go through and decide what you will do. By including your kids in discussing family mealtime habits and encouraging them to come up with some of the rules, this will help garner more buy-in and interest. Your kids may have so much interest that they might even remind you when you are not following them! You're welcome :) 

Inspirational Questions:

1. What are some of your best, favorite, or helpful family mealtime habits? What do you think really helps your family to feel connected at mealtime? 
2. Are there some good habits at mealtime that you have done in the past, that you really liked, but maybe got dropped off because life got busy? Can you add them back in? This applies to a lot of things in life; it's okay to be in survival mode (it happens to all of us). Just whenever things calm down, remember to put back in place the good habits you have had in the past that worked for you.
3. If you had to narrow it down to one, what mealtime habit would make the most difference for your family?
4. What are some bad mealtime habits that might need changed? What shows you that someone is distracted and not engaged in a family meal? Can you flip around the negative and use this as inspiration to discover what you would rather do instead? In other words, what is the opposite of the bad habit?
5. Were there any mealtime habits that you really liked growing up that you want to implement, or do more of, in your household now? You might consider sharing the answer with your partner and kids (if you have children), and explain why it was meaningful to you—please know that sharing your story is important and meaningful for your family.
6. When your kids are all grown up, what do you want them to remember about family meals? As a Relationship Legacy Leader, what impact do you hope to make on the next seven generations in your family?
7. What is one simple change you can implement today to foster connection at mealtime? 

Thank You for Joining Me Today
Thank you so much for joining me today. I don’t take it for granted. I greatly enjoy being with other Relationship Legacy Leaders. I hope today’s blog got you thinking and gave you some helpful ideas for leveling up your mealtime game. What are your favorite mealtime questions? Please comment below. I know you have some great ideas out there, and I would love your input. My family has been using some of the same mealtime questions for a while, and so I am interested in changing things up and trying out your fun mealtime question ideas!

Have a wonderful rest of the day!

If this blog was helpful for you, please like and share the link to this blog on your social media page: http://tinyurl.com/y5xtfl47 Thank you so much.
​
All the best,
Holly

​Download and print blog here for your convenience. Feel free to print it and share it.

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​Couples (and anyone for that matter) can find communicating about a concern or a misunderstanding to be challenging. It’s hard for all of us, so how can we communicate in a clear way that is fair to the listener, and is also carried out in a manner that minimizes defensiveness and escalation?

My goal today is to give you some effective strategies that you can implement right away to clean up your communication and prevent escalation and defensiveness. Why? So you can have constructive conversations about the things that matter, and to give you more time to focus on the fun aspects of your relationship (and spend less time on arguing that gets you nowhere). 

Here is what I will explore:

1. The importance of avoiding negative interpretations because they instantly cause defensiveness and escalation.
2. Consequences of negative interpretations.
3. A method you can use to make your concerns crystal clear, respectful, and fair. It's called the XYZ Statement.
4. The importance of implementing meeting in the middle and what that involves.
5. Ideas for how Relationship Legacy Leaders might use these concepts.

​
Avoid Negative Interpretations:
The book Fighting for Your Marriage highlights four communication danger signs, but today I am going to focus in on just one—negative interpretations (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010, pp. 50-57). Negative interpretations are assumptions that you have about your partner that are negative generalizations taken to the extreme that are not true, or mostly false. How do you identify them? You can root them out by looking for labels or all or nothing statements. Examples of labels: He is lazy. She is uncaring. He is ________. She is _________. All or nothing statements can be found by listening for the following words: always or never. Additionally, all or nothing statements might include statements like “she just won’t do it” or “that’s just his personality.”

By the way, one of the things I give to every new couple who begins couples counseling with me is a copy of the book Fighting for Your Marriage. I tell couples that if you only read one book about relationships, please read this one. It is a great summary of research-based relationship strategies that really work. I also give each couple a Discovery Keeper to track their goals, homework, notes, and milestones. Anyhow, back to negative interpretations... 

Examples of Negative Interpretations:

• He never helps me around the house.
• She just won’t listen and doesn’t care.
• She is constantly on my back.
• He always thinks he’s so smart.
• That’s just the way he is; he’s just lazy.
• She thinks she is better than everyone.
• Something is wrong with her personality; you just can’t get through to her.
• He is trying to control me.
• She just isn’t interested in talking about it.
• I always have to do everything around here.
• He is terrible with money.
• She is a terrible mom.
• He is trying to do that to make me mad. He always does this on purpose.

Let’s Explore Some Feelings Here:
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a negative interpretation or an extremely negative assumption about why you did something? I would bet yes! How did it feel? Pretty awful? Like you were backed into a corner? Maybe you felt like an animal backed into a corner who was ready to strike back? Did you instantly feel defensive?

Feeling instantly angry and defensive is pretty universal (I know because I have asked many couples about this, and just about every couple describes how extremely upset and defensive they feel when they are on the receiving end of negative interpretations). I don't like to use the word hate, but people really hate it when others make incorrect negative assumptions about them. Other ways to describe it, is a character attack and veering into the territory of shaming someone.

Food for thought... Please remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of a negative assumption (or several at a time). Don't forget it. Use this as motivation for why you choose to be clear in your communication, and fair to others, when you speak about them. How do you prefer to be talked to if you make a mistake or someone feels confused by your actions?

Let's Explore Some Harmful Consequences:
One consequence of negative interpretations is that they can change our own behavior when we believe in them. I like to emphasize with couples that a good majority of negative interpretations may never be said out loud; instead, they are said in our heads where they fester and grow. When they grow and we believe them, we then tend to act more negatively towards our partner, and in turn our partner may act more negatively towards us. Can you see the back and forth downward spiral that can happen?

Another harmful consequence is that when we feel upset, we may feel more comfortable gossiping, and sharing our negative assumptions about someone, than directly approaching the other party to clear up the issue. 

You know, it's okay to think negative interpretations; do not be hard on yourself about that. We get mad, upset, confused, or worried about things, and we cannot always control what direction our mind goes. What we can control is catching the assumption, and making the choice to not buy into it. This is part of emotional maturity. It takes self-awareness and practice to reach a high level of emotional maturity. We also want to be careful about buying into other people's negative assumptions about others. 

Escalation and Defensiveness Equation:
Making a negative interpretation (or several) + mostly general and vague statements = The person on the receiving end defending their personality/level of care or concern, and feeling confused about what the problem is.

As you can see with this equation, the discussion likely won't get very far unless someone makes a smart choice to ask for specifics and decides to stay calm. I want to help you understand the back and forth nature of this dynamic. So, after a person defends their personality (or level of care/concern) the person who originally brought up the issue interprets this defensive response as an indicator of a lack of intelligence, a lack of interest, or a lack of caring. As you can see, very often more negative interpretations are made and they can quickly spiral out of control (on both sides).

It’s Okay to Feel a Little Bit Defensive:
I want to add a little bit more to this conversation and clarify something. Please realize that even if both parties do pretty well at being specific and clear, both will still internally feel a little defensive and uncomfortable. This is okay and expected; furthermore, communication is never perfect. You may also disagree with the other person on some aspects.

It’s often hard when someone holds us accountable for something or it's hard when there are hurt feelings involved. If you are feeling defensive, just be aware of it, and take special note to still stay in the conversation, communicate respectfully, and listen to understand (not to reply and defend yourself).

Remember, you cannot control that communication is imperfect and disagreements can be hard at times, but what you can control is making the choice to really understand and clarify the topic at hand. 

Move the Conversation to Productive Talk:
Part of accepting that people are never perfect in their communication, and that communication is naturally messy, means finding ways to move conversations to more productive communication.

For example, if you hear someone say a negative assumption to you, it’s not the end of the world (although, I know it doesn’t feel very good!). Your job is to stay calm, ask questions, ask for specific examples of the incident, and also specific examples of what things would look like if the issue was resolved. This will help move the conversation to a more productive direction, and help you get a much clearer picture of the situation. 

Use an XYZ Statement to Sharpen Your Message and Decrease the Likelihood for Defensiveness and Escalation:
Fighting for Your Marriage has a really great tool I like to use with every couple I work with to help them make their concern clear, respectful, and fair. The tool is called the XYZ statement: “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z” (Markman et al., 2010, p. 175). 

Examples of the XYZ Statement:

• “When you yell at me about getting chores done around the house, I feel sad and hurt.”
• “When we are talking about important topics and you continue to look at your phone and answer text messages, I feel very angry.”
• “When you interrupted me several times last night during our discussion about which school Katie should go to, I felt upset and disrespected."  

Your Clear and Calm Conversation Equation:
Using an XYZ statement + specific and factual examples = Giving the other person the best chance to apologize, share their experience, and deeply understand where you are coming from.

This equation isn’t going to fix everything, but it will give your conversations a good start, and the best chance of coming to a resolution. Additionally, make sure you use a calm tone of voice.

Some Caution Based on My Experience:
After helping many couples use the XYZ statement, I have found an incredibly common pitfall that accidentally leads to some defensiveness. Make sure that when you say your feeling that you are only saying a feeling and not a negative interpretation. Those negative interpretations are really sneaky sometimes.

I will give you an example of what not to do: “When you didn’t help me give the kids their baths, after I asked you to several times last night, I felt that you were just trying to hurt me and I realized you really don’t care about helping me out with the kids’ bedtime routine.” The underlined part was the oh so sneaky negative interpretations that slithered in there.

Please imagine for a moment that someone just said that to you… How would you feel? You are probably feeling really great, and you probably want to admit to where you need to take responsibility and help out more... Not!

So, what do you do instead? You can avoid the common pitfall of sneaky negative interpretations by just being very simple and brief. ONLY state a feeling after “I feel.” That’s it. Nothing more. Stop and give the other person a chance to explain, clarify, or apologize if necessary. Examples of feelings: upset, angry, happy, sad, concerned, confused, alarmed, excited, and elated.

For more examples of feelings, check out this cool feelings wheel: http://feelingswheel.com/. Or if that last feelings wheel was a bit overwhelming (lots of feelings going on there), and you just want the basics, here is a simpler wheel: http://prismwp-dev.ku.edu/project/feelings-wheel/.

A Common Question Based on My Experience:
Couples often ask, well, what if the situation has happened more than once? How can I  be specific and clear without sliding into a character attack? Great question!

Fortunately, there is an easy solution. State, “there has been a pattern that when you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.” Make sure to give multiple behavioral examples to support your statement that there has been a pattern. Boom! Problem solved. You can do this.

Another neat solution (I know, I'm a psychology geek) is to express specifically the behaviors you have noticed, and state you feel confused about what is going on. You might also state that you would like help understanding from their perspective what is happening. Let the other person explain their behaviors and feelings.

Interestingly, when we avoid jumping to conclusions and jumping to character attacks, the other person is much more likely to quickly admit when they were wrong and take responsibility for their actions. Or, we might find that once we find out the details we didn't need to be upset in the first place. Another outcome is that we discover that we have different values or beliefs, and it's not that either party is "bad" or "wrong."

Use XYZ Statements for Statements of Gratitude:
I love, love, love using XYZ statements for gratitude and appreciation statements. It's important to be aware of the ratio of our negative communication to our positive/encouraging/grateful communication and behaviors. All of us would be wise to make sure the majority of our communication throughout the day is positive, respectful, and constructive.

One way to do that is to use an XYZ statement for appreciation. Here is an example, “When you planned our date this past weekend, I felt so loved and I felt relieved I could forget my stress for a while and just have fun with you. I could really tell you put some thought and care into planning the date.”

What is wonderful about the example above is that the person on the receiving end will feel really good, and he or she will know exactly why planning the date meant so much to his or her partner. The person who planned a fun date night will be much more likely to want to do it again. Compare this to how you would feel if someone said “date night was nice,” or didn't say anything at all. If you notice, "date night was nice" doesn't have quite as much of an impact, and is definitely not as meaningful.

There are lots of benefits to frequent statements of appreciation and gratitude. In a culture of appreciation and gratitude, when the problems do come up (and they always will), the issues tend to feel minor, not as scary, and they feel easier to overcome. This is because when people feel appreciated for what they do, feel loved, and feel emotionally safe, it's an environment that is conducive to being willing to openly admit to mistakes, explore areas of growth, and explore ideas/solutions.

Next I discuss meeting in the middle which is another way to help you nurture a positive and healthy culture. Additionally, think of meeting in the middle as the context and environment to use your XYZ statements in.

Meet in the Middle:

1. Meeting in the middle means each person doing his or her part.
2. If you are communicating about a concern, use XYZ statements and specific examples. Don't attack the other party.
3. As the listener, be aware of your defensiveness and make sure your responses are kind and curious, and encourage the listener to speak.
4. Obviously, no name calling or put downs. Not one. Even one is damaging to a relationship and the level of trust in that relationship. 
5. Meeting in the middle also involves both parties being fully engaged in the conversation, and using a tone that is kind and respectful. Talk to the other person how you would want to be talked to.
6. It involves fess up when you mess up—every time. Make sure you take responsibility for everything you need to. Even if you were not the one who “started it” you likely have a role in working collaboratively with the other person to get to a resolution. State everything you can do to help make the situation better. I talked about the concept of fess up when you mess up—every time, here, if you want to learn more.
7. Recognize and appreciate the person who is bringing up a topic to discuss; especially if you notice he or she is working hard to be respectful and come up with solutions. That person clearly cares and is showing love for the relationship. You can hurt your relationship by disengaging or withdrawing from the conversation. Thus, you might even consider thanking the other person for bringing up the concern!
8. Finally, both parties meet in the middle when they both notice and say all the things going right, and they say out loud all the things they appreciate and are grateful for in regards to the other party, or the other party’s attempts to solve the problem.

Last Thing, For the Relationship Legacy Leaders Out There:
Kids:
Teach your kids the information in this blog. Be a wise teacher about it and use age appropriate language and examples that they can relate to depending on their age and the topics that matter most to them. Be aware when you are thinking or saying negative interpretations about your kids and the damage this can cause. Especially focus your energy on modeling positive XYZ statements in front of your kids, and to your kids.

Kids really respond well to positive XYZ statements. The more appreciated they feel, the more they feel part of a caring family, and the more willing they will be to participate in family activities or chores. You also might find that with all the modeling you are doing, your kids start telling you positive XYZ statements of appreciation that make your heart melt!

I make these recommendations because I really want everyone in your family to:

• Feel appreciated (and not feel taken for granted). 
• Feel a strong sense of genuine connection to their family (and not a forced connection).

At Work:
You can teach kids, or even your coworkers about the topics in here. The information in here definitely applies to the workplace. Clearer communication saves time and money.

Government:
For the Relationship Legacy Leaders interested in politics, have better political discussions with the information in this blog. Have you noticed that many political discussions do not get further than attacking the other party's character or personality? Do you see how this essentially puts the brakes on any constructive discussion or problem resolution? Unfortunately, in my opinion, we are ALL guilty of this (both Democrats and Republicans). It's human nature (we all do it), and we need to understand good communication skills to combat it.

Find ways to communicate about specific examples, your feelings, and your values in a constructive way. Give all sides the chance to speak using a respectful tone. This doesn’t at all mean you will agree on everything (we cannot control that we have different values, beliefs, and ideas for solutions). Furthermore, we need to examine a variety of ideas to come up with the best solution. However, the clearer and more respectful we are, the more we can actually get further into a discussion and really find out the full picture. 

As citizens I believe it is our duty to learn how to constructively discuss political topics and especially topics we disagree on. We also need to vote for people in politics who demonstrate a commitment to constructive communication. I have the opinion that it probably wouldn’t hurt for politicians to take communication and conflict resolution training for the sake of getting more done with less unnecessary fighting, defensiveness, and escalation. Defensiveness and escalation wastes time, and hurts relationships. Communication and conflict resolution skills are incredibly important for the effective working of government. Like I say, they are not "soft skills." 

Healthy Family Systems:
​Today’s blog is also really helpful for the Relationship Legacy Leaders changing bad communication habits in families. Whole family systems can get caught in saying and believing lots of harmful assumptions about each other. Everyone individually needs to watch their own assumptions and be extra careful about adopting negative assumptions (or gossip) about other family members.

I have found that the more the leaders of the family pass along negative assumptions about each other, the more unhappy and disconnected that family feels. It’s especially damaging when parents do this. Furthermore, negative interpretations erode trust. It is my opinion and firm belief that the leaders in the family, typically the older ones, the parents, or the oldest siblings, have a much greater responsibility to be careful about how they talk about other members of the family.

Ideally, family leaders create an atmosphere where it’s okay to learn, to grow, to admit mistakes, and to communicate feelings and concerns in a constructive way. Family leaders will want to model constructive and clear communication, because they set the standard for their family. Children, younger members of a family, and family members with less power do not have as much choice in the habits of a family—they often have to just go along with the rules whether it’s healthy or not.

Talk With a Trusted Friend:
Lastly, brainstorm right now who you feel might be interested in some of the topics in here. Do you have a trusted friend or a close sibling who would love to dive into a conversation about communication? Strike up a conversation with him or her, and get their viewpoint and ideas on negative interpretations and XYZ statements. Tell him or her what you learned in this blog, or what really stood out to you. Talk about what you are thinking of implementing.

Summary:

• The first step is just being aware of when you are thinking or saying negative interpretations. Remember they are sneaky! Give yourself time to root them out of your thoughts and to notice when you say them out loud. Just observe curiously for a month and see what you find.
• Identifying negative interpretations and using clearer communication takes practice. Couples find that they can easily comprehend the concepts above, but actually implementing them takes time.
• If you accidentally say a negative interpretation and you don’t realize it until it was said, no worries! Good job for recognizing it! Just ask for a do over and an opportunity to be more specific.
• You might set an alarm on your phone to remind yourself every day to use a positive XYZ statement. I even like to encourage people to aim for a few of these every day to create a culture of kindness wherever you are.
• Communicating about concerns will never be perfect (or feel totally comfortable), but by using XYZ statements, outlining specific examples, and using a calm tone of voice we can have clearer communication and reduce defensiveness and escalation.
• Relationship Legacy Leaders model and encourage clear and constructive communication; not negative assumptions and character attacks.

Thank You:
Thank you so much for joining me here today. I enjoy being here with other Relationship Legacy Leaders. I know that if all of us work on implementing these strategies we can make a massive difference in our own lives, and in the lives of everyone around us. We do NOT have to get sucked into negativity. We CAN make good choices about our relationships, communication, and mental health.

If this was helpful, please copy this link and share the blog with your social media accounts: https://tinyurl.com/y592q72u When you link to my website this helps more people find me online who are searching for the information in this blog. Thank you so much for your support.

I would love to hear from you. Please comment below with any ideas or thoughts you have so we can continue this conversation. Have a wonderful rest of the day. Thanks again for visiting.

All the best,
Holly

References
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce (3rd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Download and print blog here for your convenience. Feel free to print it and share it if you think the information might help someone you know. ​

If you are a similar to me, you might be interested how to support kids in being able to speak up with confidence and clarity. I believe that it's important for kids to feel like they have a voice in their family and in their community. It's our role to help kids find constructive and healthy ways to communicate about agreements (and disagreements). The ability to constructively communicate, and to communicate with confidence and clarity, is an essential life skill. Furthermore, I believe that communication standards and expectations in the workplace are much higher than they used to be - it's not something that as parents or teachers we can put off anymore as a "soft skill" if it's our job to do our best to prepare our children for adulthood. Beyond the importance of life skills, feeling heard and feeling like one has a voice, just makes us feel loved and part of a family that cares.  

There are so many positive outcomes from encouraging healthy parent and child communication. However, I know (being a parent myself) you think of the positive situations but also the scary ones... Maybe in the future you want to know if your child is being bullied, and you want them to feel comfortable sharing what happened with you. You would hate to discover, years later, that your child hid the bullying from you or that the bullying went on for a long time. Along the same lines, you want your child to feel okay sharing if they feel uncomfortable with something (or someone), and if they were abused by someone.

​In my work I help people change their own relationships, but also their relationship legacies. Encouraging healthy parent and child communication is a way to change the legacy of abusive or poor communication in one's family. You might be someone who wants to change the patterns you have seen in your own family, but you don't know where to start or would like some additional ideas. Definitely keep reading!

Ultimately, building up your child’s speaking skills and their ability to feel safe and  comfortable sharing their lives, ideas, and personal feelings with you, is just simply a very healthy thing do as a parent. The possibilities are endless in which your child can use these skills now and for the rest of their lives.  

A little about me and my family so you know where I am coming from. First, my family. I am married to a handsome and awesomely funny guy named Nathan (his superpower is the ability to make anyone laugh, I’m talking deep belly laugh over and over again!). We have one daughter and her name is Alex. Alex will be 4 years old in a couple months and she is super into unicorns and Blaze & the Monster Machines. About me, I am the type of person that constantly has ideas flowing through my mind about psychology, relationships, business, and life. My superpower is being able to creatively apply abstract psychology and business concepts to life. This idea of how do I encourage my own daughter to feel confident while speaking up, while at the same time utilizing healthy and constructive dialogue, has been deeply intriguing me lately. I want to share my ideas with you in case they might be useful.

17 Tips to Encourage Healthy Parent and Child Communication

1. Start young.
It’s never too early to start this. I think that the earlier you begin, the more natural this will be for the both of you.

2. Start now.
Now is the best time to begin this.​

3. Start small.
Do the recommendations here, in a focused way, once a day for 1-5 minutes.

4. Notice when your child has interjected with something particularly insightful.
Amp up your awareness of when your child says or does something particularly insightful, meaningful, self-aware, or helpful. Your child may be trying to reach out with their brilliance, but if you weren't paying attention, you may have missed it! Show them you care and that you will take note.

Examples: When she notices something important in the house that was broken that maybe you were not even aware of, when she tells you a pet or a sibling needs help, when she tells you something you said or did that was hurtful, when she offers to help without being asked, when she admits to a mistake she made (all on her own) and how she is going to fix it, or when she chose to not follow bad decisions made by her friends and instead chose a better course of action for herself.

5. Notice the ordinary things.
Ordinary and regular daily things are important too. It’s vital to provide a supportive environment for your child to feel emotionally safe enough to communicate with you about all topics (the big, the small, and the ordinary). 

6. Notice your child's ideas.
Be aware when your child has ideas. Ideas on just about anything! Your radar should perk up and say to you: "this might be a good time to make sure I can demonstrate good listening skills right now."

Please try to restrain your grouchy, tired, and bitter parenting voice that’s in there (you know what I’m talking about!) when your child has ideas on all sorts of things (like, "how can I turn myself into a unicorn?"). Your job is to show genuine interest in her ability to be creative, and to not shoot the ideas down right out of the gate. Now, I understand that your child could definitely have some questionable ideas, or ideas that probably won’t work based on what you know about the world. Please first demonstrate genuine interest and curiosity to her insights and then much later in the conversation you can add your insights and ideas too.

7. Notice feelings.
Notice all different kinds of feelings. Your goal is to convey: I see you. And I hear you. And I'm here for you.

Help your child describe her emotions, how her body feels, and what she feels like doing or saying when she experiences certain emotions.

8. Validate the things you notice.
Practice excellent validation skills as much as you can when you communicate with your child.

Validation is a whole topic on it’s own, but it’s showing genuine interest, care, and awareness of the other person’s thoughts and feelings. It’s great listening skills on steroids – it’s deeply understanding the message being conveyed from the other person’s perspective (even if you do not agree or you have different experiences) by saying an affirming statement, or statements, to the other party. On the receiving end of validation, it feels like “wow, this person gets me and really understands what I am going through right now.”

For example, your child is crying and says “My best friend told me my shirt was ugly.” You could say, “Your friend told you today that your shirt was ugly, and that made you really upset. That has to be hard to hear coming from someone you really care about.”

Adding validation as a regular part of your communication is harder than it sounds, and it takes a lot of practice. Also, I think that as adults it’s easy to disregard children’s ideas as trivial or not as important to the big/important things we do and think about as adults. But, here’s the thing. As adults, WE don't like to be invalidated, and WE sure appreciate when someone understands what we are going through. Kids are the same. Additionally, kids are learning if their voice is important, if they will be heard, and if you care.

Validate things, big and small, so when it comes time for your child to share something with you or the world, they feel confident in doing so.

9. Appreciate.
Say how much you appreciate what she brought up and why. Convey a genuine/real why. If your child feels appreciated and knows exactly why she is appreciated, she will be many times more likely to do it again. And, who doesn’t like to feel appreciated?   

Example: “I really appreciate your idea for taking turns with your brother so you both can get equal amounts of time here. I appreciate your idea because it shows me how much you care for your brother and how you want things to be equal and fair between the two of you.”

Demonstrating appreciation actually works really well with adults too. I like to implement consistent and daily appreciation when working with couples, and what I find interesting is that they are always amazed at how effective this is. It’s just too easy to get busy and distracted, and take others for granted... Or to think others just SHOULD have to do things for us (yikes, a little too much ego here!). We have to make a conscious effort to show appreciation if we want healthy relationships. Furthermore, think of how much it helps when your boss shows genuine appreciation for the hard work you have done. Compare this to a boss who didn't notice anything you did and only had harsh, critical, and unfair judgments to say. A  big difference, huh?

10. Come back to it.
If you are in a rush and have a busy modern life as a parent, an important figure in that child's life, or a teacher, you may not get the chance to chat for even 2 minutes on whatever the child brought up. Validate the child, and then explain you are short on time, but you will come back later to it because it’s important to you. Keep your word.

11. Model sharing your own insights and ideas (age appropriate) to your child, and teach them good listening skills in response.
This doesn’t have to take long (especially with small children with short attention spans). However, with older children you will have opportunities for longer and more in-depth conversations. Share an idea and then as they are listening provide one constructive, non-blaming, or educational feedback statement as appropriate and applicable to the moment.

12. Model healthy and emotionally safe communication with your partner and set the bar high.
Your kids are always watching. You set the tone and the bar for your family. Your kids will determine if it’s safe or not to discuss the minor to the major topics based on years of watching you. Additionally, keep in mind that parents are the leaders of the family. What do leaders do? They dive in first and they model good behavior. I want to emphasize you don't need to be perfect here. That would actually be harmful and unproductive to pretend to be perfect! The goal is actually to have a growth mindset, a natural curiosity for how to continuously improve communication, and a willingness to apologize whenever one makes a mistake.

13. Develop your ability to act thoughtfully and rationally on information versus emotionally escalating and saying emotionally reactive statements.
This is important. Kids won’t share important topics if they think you’ll blow up at them (or not contribute to the discussion).

If you can’t be rational and thoughtful in the moment, that’s okay! Remember, just come back to it later. It’s much better to come back later with a clear head so you can avoid saying harmful or unhelpful comments that can really hurt your child. It's better to avoid saying harmful things that your child will never forget. Your child will be much more understanding if you come back later to the conversation versus experiencing a barrage of hurtful comments and emotionally reactive statements. Being emotionally reactive in the moment can also include just checking out of the conversation and not being engaged.

14. See the long-term picture; healthy parent and child communication is a life-long relationship habit.
This is not a one-time thing; it’s a forever thing. It's a way of life. You may need to do practice in order to grow your relationship muscles in this area. Be patient. You may not see the fruit of your work right away.

15. Remember that as parents, how you interact with your child forms the basis of how they expect others to treat them.
If children find that when they speak up they are heard, validated, and loved, they will expect that others will treat them the same. They will be more likely to be confident, have higher self-esteem, and feel less fear around speaking up about a variety of topics.

If children find their ideas are discounted, made fun of, or shamed, they will be much less likely to speak up, and will be more likely to expect people to hurt them or to not care. Why should they care about their voice, if no one else does?

16. Ask all sorts of questions about your child’s life with real enthusiasm.
Think outside the box with this and go beyond the typical “how was your day?” Something Nathan and I like to ask Alex is, "what was the silliest thing that happened today?" We definitely get some funny answers as you can imagine coming from a 3-year old!

Even if your child doesn’t seem too interested in answering your questions, they key is that she gets the feeling you deeply care about her and what’s going on in her life. It's still a win, even if your child doesn't offer up much in response. Maybe in that moment she doesn't feel like saying much, but I promise you, kids always notice if you genuinely care! You might find that later that night your child enthusiastically shares something really big with you. And that's why you don't ever stop asking caring questions - think about the big picture here.  

17. Have fun.
Enjoy getting to know the unique, wonderful, amazing human being that is your child! That’s really what it’s all about. Relish in the wonderful and meaningful relationship you have! Life is about relationships.

How will you know if your efforts are working?

• You will notice an increase in the frequency of insightful, helpful, and self-aware comments.
• Your child will show delight in sharing things with you.
• You will grow in your own delight in hearing from your child.
• Your child will feel emotionally safe in sharing personal or potentially embarrassing things.
• Your child will start to be more independent and take more responsibility for herself.
• Your child will begin to model your example of showing appreciation and validation for others’ thoughts and feelings. Proud mama bears and papa bears right here when this happens!
• You will see your child’s confidence grow in speaking up and sharing her ideas in a variety of settings and with a variety of different people.
• You will see your child speak up for the health and safety of others. You should see the deepening of empathy. It's a cycle. When kids know they are loved and they matter, the more they have in their bank. The more that's in their bank, the more they can give.

On the empathy cycle topic, I want my daughter to know I value and respect her. It is equally an expectation in our household that she shows respect to everyone - this includes people who are different from her or who she disagrees with. I know that if Alex feels respected and valued, she will be more likely to be able to show that to others. Developing healthy parent and child communication is a powerful way to nurture a high level of respect in one's family (even if we don't always agree).

For me personally, I want lines of communication to be open in my family so that hopefully we can have a healthy and close relationship that is fulfilling for all of us throughout the years. In life, we change, our kids change, and life around us changes constantly. And this can be hard. So hard. In the midst of constant change, it’s helpful and adaptive for us to find ways to encourage, model, and support good communication. This is so that not just our kids have a voice, but everyone in the family has a voice that is caring, constructive, respectful and confident.

There are lots of ideas in here for you to think about. You might bookmark this page to come back to it and review it again later as needed. I hope this blog was helpful for you and that you discovered something you can apply right away.

Thank you for taking the time to be with me today. Just by reading, thinking, and learning about these topics you are doing something really positive. It's already a step in the right direction. My wish is that something here will spark some incredible relationship changes for you now, and also for your kid's kids. 

If you liked this blog post, was there an idea in here that you might try? What do you like to do in your family to encourage healthy parent and child communication? This is definitely nowhere near a cumulative list. I would love to hear your ideas - please comment below!

Like or Tweet my post if this was useful for you. I really appreciate it! 

Keep a look out for my latest blogs on Thursdays. Talk to you again next week!

- Holly