forever homework for couples

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​I love to talk with couples about their Forever Homework. These are important life-long relationship habits that keep the couple strong over the long-haul. Sort of like regular exercise for your relationship in order to keep your relationship muscles strong and resilient.

Here's the thing... couples counseling won't save your relationship because it's a short term event. You know what does heal a relationship and keep it strong over the long-term? It's the key relationship habits you put in place that you do forever; your Forever Homework.

I have a few ideas for you to explore and mentally munch on ("carrots, anyone?"). This list is by no means all-encompassing, and every couple has different needs. The purpose of today's blog is to inspire you with one or two ideas that you really like so that you start doing them right now, and for the rest of your life. 

I'm a big believer that making small changes can lead to an entirely different outcome. I remember in my marriage and family therapy graduate program learning about the example of an airplane that has shifted it's direction by only a degree. Shifting an airplane's direction by a single degree completely changes where that airplane ends up! I don't know the original source on that analogy; I want you to know it's not my original idea. It is a brilliant example though that I've never forgotten. If I come across the original source I will update the blog. So, just try one new thing and see where you end up over the years!

Before I share my recommendations, let’s set the stage. You might think about the core 3 to 6 habits that really keep your relationship the strongest and healthiest. What are they? Can you name them or list them out? What would your partner say they are, and are they all the same or are some of them different? If you feel there is some room for improvement, what do you believe are the one or two habits you could implement that would have the most impact? Have you ever had a conversation about the core habits that keep you and your partner close and connected? If not, when can you have that conversation? Are there certain values you have that guide the habits you want in place? 

It's okay to try different habits to see what benefits your relationship the most (go ahead, experiment like a mad scientist! Buwahahaha!!!). This is so you can come up with your own formula for your Forever Homework as a couple. The core habits for each couple will be different, and I believe you as a couple know yourselves the best. Have fun making your own unique recipe that keeps your relationship the healthiest and most resilient! 

Forever Homework Ideas:
Every day keep an eye on the ratio of positive to negative interactions. Make it 5 to 1. 

• Research by John Gottman shows that you need a balance of 5 positive interactions to each 1 negative interaction to keep your relationship healthy and to prevent divorce (1). See the super cool video below which explores how to keep your emotional bank account in balance and not overdrawn (1):

•  Some questions to think about after watching the video: How many positive acts do you do for your partner in comparison to each hurtful behavior? Are you happy with the ratio or is there room for improvement?
• Couples who are happy do daily little things that are kind, considerate, and thoughtful because it's the right thing to do (they don't wait to do something nice until the other person does it first).
• Couples who are the happiest do positive and healing behaviors even when there are problems in the relationship and even when they disagree with each other, and that is where the challenge is. Challenge yourself to do little nice things, especially when you are upset and angry with your partner. And do it every time you are upset with each other. Just see what happens!
• The goal is not to be perfect; there will always be stressful situations that hijack your ratio. The goal is to notice each time when the positive interactions are dipping consistently low due to stressful situations, and then focus on bringing it back up again.

Be aware of the fundamental attribution error and it's impact on your relationship.

• ​Check out the video below for a visual explanation of the fundamental attribution error (2). This is essentially when we interpret other people's bad choices as something to do with them internally (a consistent personality characteristic or flaw), but when we make a bad choice we tend to interpret why we did it on external events that made us do it. We tend to jump to internal explanations for other people's behaviors and external explanations for ourselves.

• I want you to think for a moment... How might the fundamental attribution error play out with a couple? Where might it lead to problems? Do you tend to view your partner's bad choices based on stable traits, but your own mistakes on circumstances outside your control (maybe you blamed what you did on your partner)? ​Have you ever become very condescending and mean when your partner made a mistake (because it's their "nature"), but then when you made a mistake you expect understanding and compassion because it's due to external circumstances?
• Well, due to the unique nature of long-term romantic relationships, you inevitably see each other make some pretty bad choices and major mistakes, as well as small mistakes every day (we ALL fall in this category; I'm including myself here). Can you guess where I'm going with this? Since we will all see our partners making bad choices, we are left with a decision. Do we decide it's part of their nature? Or do we instead to first look for the external circumstances at play? Do we constantly excuse ourselves when we make mistakes, but then jump down our partner's throats each time they are not perfect?
• In my experience, couples who consistently view the other person as having steady internal reasons for their decisions and choices are pretty unhappy overall. 
• Using the fundamental attribution error too much makes couples unhappy because if the issues are always due to stable personality traits, then the couple doesn't attempt to try constructive solutions to solve the problem. They think, what's the point in trying if the problem is just the way your partner is? When this happens repeatedly, the issues and problems pile up.
• More questions to get you thinking: How do you react when someone labels you as just being a certain way? How does that immediately make you feel? Do you like it? Does that make you want to work together with the other person? Does that escalate the conversation? Can you work on watching your assumptions (both said out loud and inside your head)?
• Positive ways to move forward now you are aware of the fundamental attribution error: 1. Instead of blaming problems on your partner's internal traits (which can't be solved), first ask questions to understand what external events where happening and clarify your misunderstandings. 2. After you did not jump to conclusions, demonstrate compassion and understanding when mistakes are made. Treat your partner how you would want to be treated if you had made a mistake. 3. Brainstorm specific behavioral solutions together and follow the plan. 

It's HOW you say what you say that matters. Not WHAT the problem is, that you disagree, or even how big the problem is. HOW you say what you say should be a focus. 

• There will always be topics to work on and problems that need to be discussed and planned for regularly. This is the nature of a long-term relationship, and it's out of your control. There are issues daily and weekly that need your attention, and that's totally normal.
• The absence of problems is never the goal as a couple, and is never the goal in couples counseling. The goal is to communicate with respect for the other person, even when you disagree. This is actually pretty hard! We are not born with this ability. It takes continuous practice like anything else--​think of learning a sport or how to play an instrument. If you know how to play an instrument, did you just wake up one day knowing how to play it? No, it took lots and lots of practice!
• HOW you communicate matters a whole lot, and WHAT the problem is, actually doesn't matter as much. This is because how you communicate with someone else determines whether the problem is worked through to the point where you both feel okay about it... or not at all (goes into the pile of unresolved issues).
• In my experience, I have seen couples overcome some pretty big issues in their marriage (such as an affair), but this occurs only when they can both focus on communicating respectfully and each working hard to do their part. 
• Not so great communication: Yelling, saying put-downs, harassing the other person, laughing at the other person, gossiping about your partner, using a condescending tone, making a joke at the expense of your partner, etc. This stops your conversation at the start and immediately stops a successful discussion of the issues.
• Great communication: Asking questions, not making assumptions, using a calm tone of voice, using specific behavioral examples, coming up with win-win solutions, etc. 

​
If it's important to one of you, it's important to both of you (even if you don't care about it too much or you personally are not really worried about it!).

• My rule that I like to have couples follow is if your partner is worried about something, and you are not, to always show validation and listen. Again, easier said than done (a lot falls into that bucket!).
• I recommend you follow this rule because inevitably the roles will be reversed down the road, and when you are in the position that something is important to you, you would want your partner to listen, right? That is why you do the same for them. 
• I've noticed there is almost this internal comparison that happens sometimes with couples. One person will have a concern, and the other person might think, "well, it's not a big deal to me, and we are not at the same level of concern, so it's not important and my partner is overreacting." Just be aware of this dynamic so you can make sure to consistently show support for your partner even when your level of concern is different than your partner's.  

​
Fess up when you mess up—every time (for the rest of your life). 

• Nip problems in the bud while they are small. Many small problems in relationships explode into major catastrophes simply because people do not acknowledge their part the moment it happens or shortly thereafter. In comparison to when someone quickly and honestly acknowledges their mistake, the transgression almost ends up forgotten with no lingering emotional baggage (as long as it was not a major violation). 
• This means holding yourself accountable every time you hurt someone. Never wait for someone to call you out on it; just because someone didn't say anything doesn't mean they didn't notice and it didn't impact the relationship. 
• How do you know when you've messed up? When you've raised your voice, said a put-down, made a false negative assumption about your partner, when you didn't do something you said you were going to do, slammed a door, not been engaged in conversation when your partner was talking to you, etc.
• It's perfectly okay if you don't know how to fix the problem yet, but the starting place for growth and healing is recognizing your part. 
• Only take responsibility for exactly your part, and stop there. Make holding yourself accountable as accurate as possible (don't over or under take responsibility for your actions). 

​
Ask yourself “Am I a good person to talk to right now?” (3)

• Click the link above for a full article I wrote on the topic.
• This is an important habit to implement forever because when you ask yourself this question, you are essentially doing a quick self-check on your own mental state.
• Make a conscious choice to show up to conversations when you are clear-headed versus emotionally reacting and saying things you can’t take back. Many relationships end or are permanently damaged by one or two attacking, mean, and hateful statements that are never apologized for.

 
Hurting others is not justified just because we are hurt. 

• I explored this concept in this blog here at #6 (4). 
• The key takeaway is to notice when you are saying comments or doing behaviors solely based on your hurt, and then feeling justified in hurting others. I'm not at all saying that when your partner does something wrong it's okay (because it isn't okay and it should be discussed). I'm saying taking the high road. You have a choice. 
• Hurting others because we are hurt is never a successful strategy with couples, but couples often get sucked into the cycle. You probably will at some point in your relationship get swept up by it. That's okay, just notice it, apologize for what you need to, and change your behaviors. 

Keep the fun alive in your relationship.

• This is easy at the beginning of a relationship and becomes more challenging as a relationship progresses over the years due to the novelty wearing off and more obligations and responsibilities creeping in.
• Couples usually find that the longer they are together, the more important it is to schedule in time for fun (I know, it's not as romantic, but who said things never changed in life?!). 
• Fun time is sacred time! Keep fun time special and don't discuss problems during this time. None at all! Don't spoil the fun.
• Do little things every day that make each other laugh. Go ahead, share those funny memes and YouTube cat videos with each other.

Forever Homework Summary:

1. Every day keep an eye on the ratio of positive to negative interactions. Make it 5 to 1.  
2. Be aware of the fundamental attribution error and it's impact on your relationship.
3. It's HOW you say what you say that matters. Not WHAT the problem is, that you disagree, or even how big the problem is. HOW you say what you say should be the focus. 
4. If it's important to one of you, it's important to both of you (even if you don't care about it too much or you personally are not really worried about it!). 
5. Fess up when you mess up--every time (for the rest of your life).
6. Ask yourself, "Am I a good person to talk to right now?"
7. Hurting others is not justified because we are hurt. 
8. Keep the fun alive in your relationship.

Thank you for joining me today and letting me give you some mental carrots to munch on. I'm so glad you are here. I hope one of the Forever Homework items inspired you, and you have decided to incorporate it into your life. I can't wait for you to see the long-term benefits from your daily habits!

​For you Relationship Legacy Leaders out there, start doing these habits with your friends, co-workers, and your kids (5)! Share with the people around you what you have learned; teaching is a great way to connect with others and it helps you to remember the new information you have learned.

If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. Talk to you next week. 

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​

PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

​References and Links
(1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHN2EKd9tuE&t=27s
(2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8IcYSrcaaA
(3) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(4)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now
​(5) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader