​(1)

Hello,

How are you? Hope you are having a great week. Thank you for joining me today! This week's blog will contain two business updates and a fun couple exercise. Enjoy.

First, business updates.

Transitioning to a quarterly blog and newsletter:
I am going to transition from a weekly blog and weekly newsletter, to a quarterly blog and newsletter. I will also publish blogs and newsletters as important business updates occur.

My personal goal was to do these weekly, and I can say that I accomplished my goal and I learned a lot! I enjoy how as part of my job I get to keep learning all the time (both on the healthy relationships side and also the entrepreneurial side). Sometimes the pace is overwhelming, lol (as anyone who owns a business knows), but I really do love the journey. It's one of the reasons I started my own practice. 

As you may know, I owned a counseling private practice (Tranquil Waters Counseling and Wellness) for 4 years and then I stayed at home for 2 years full-time with my daughter. For a couple years I was a full-time stay at home parent, and so even during that short time technology changed rapidly. In coming back to work, I sought to keep an eye out for helpful technology that will benefit my clients.

This is why I have developed an informative website, an online scheduling system, and intake paperwork you can complete securely from your smartphone (HIPAA compliant too!). Furthermore, I believe that blogs and newsletters are immensely helpful too... One, for clients seeking general information about the business who are trying to identify if I'm the right fit. Two, so that people interested in the business can stay informed about helpful products or services being offered.

I am also excited to transition to working on some different areas of growth in my business, but more on that on a later date! 

I have learned a lot doing these weekly blogs and newsletters... I hope that they have been inspiring and useful for you as the reader! Thank you for following. And see you quarterly!

Changing the couples intake assessment process:
Another important business update is that I have changed the couples counseling intake assessment process. 

I am excited to announce that I will be implementing a recommended intake assessment approach from Drs. John and Julie Gottman (2). This was inspired by my Level 1 (3) and Level 2 (4) Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Click the links if you want to learn more about them.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy recommends from their research that the initial assessment appointments involve the following: one meeting with the couple together, and separate individual appointments with each partner alone. The fourth session is a feedback session on the findings and counselor treatment recommendations. 

I am proud to now be offering couples this assessment and feedback process. In the past I only assessed couples together at the intake. As you may know, if you have done couples counseling before or if you have ever worked on growing as a couple, your journeys are both together and separate. Furthermore, you may also have discovered (or may have been a little disappointed, lol!) that the only person you can change is yourself! This is one of the many reasons I am excited to connect with each partner individually, so I can better understand each person's journey and goals.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy has some really amazing tools for helping couples to emotionally connect; possibly even in deep ways they have never done before. If you are in couples counseling with me you will likely see some of these helpful strategies! I really love their approach!

​Now, on to the fun couple exercise!

Usually at the top of my blogs I have a picture, but today I included a song by Maren Morris (1). I specifically chose a version with lyrics so you could read them while you listen.  This song resonated with me as a relationship therapist because Maren explores profound relationship truths in a beautiful song. 

The song is chock full of great relationship observations (and possible discussion points), but I will just explore one! Maren describes in the song how the paint can be peeling on the house or the glass could shatter, but as long as the bones are strong on the house, the house will still stand. I think this is very true in relationships. I often talk with couples about this, and I incorporate this in my life with my own family.

The paint peeling and the glass shattering are the problems that come up, differences in personality or style, normal developmental changes that are stressful, or mistakes we make. I like to emphasize that we cannot change that these things happen. There is no couple relationship that doesn't have problems or differences in personality! The goal of every couple is not to have an absence of problems, but to be able to feel stronger on the other side of conflict and challenges.

Additionally, what counts in having a long-term and mutually satisfying relationship are the bones... The bones are having integrity, being trustworthy, committing to each other, apologizing sincerely and making changes when you make a bad decision, honoring your partner's concerns and dreams (even when different from your own), being a friend, and always growing in your communication skills so that you can more smoothly work through the inevitable daily and weekly bumps in the road. I also think the bones could be considered the shared values you have. 

This is what couples counseling is about... Helping couples to be able to handle problems and differences in a way that leaves the couple feeling more connected and stronger on the other side. It's about developing relationship resilience and a lasting emotional connection.

Exercise directions:

• Listen to the song with your partner.
• Take turns sharing your thoughts and observations.
• What images, memories, specific examples, thoughts, and feelings arise when you listen to this song? 
• What do you feel are the bones of a relationship?
• When do you remember a time when things were difficult, but you felt stronger on the other side of a conflict or problem? What did you say or do that you can remember to do again in the future?
• What is one thing you can take away from this song and apply to your life moving forward?
• Have fun connecting!

​Have a wonderful rest of the week.

All the best,
​Holly ​

PS - Can I send you an email about once a quarter? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
​(1) ​https://youtu.be/oODllqrxrLQ
(2) https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/ 
(3) https://www.gottman.com/professionals/training/level-1/
(4) ​https://www.gottman.com/professionals/training/level-2/

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.

So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling.

Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:

• You are human, because every couple deals at some point with broken trust. 
• You have been deeply hurt by ongoing harmful communication patterns in the past.
• There have been boundary violations or affairs.

5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples
​
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 
This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice.  

The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:

• Am I asking many meaningful questions (out of curiosity and not to gather data just to prove my point)?
• Am I making several accurate summary statements of the speaker's point of view?

Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship.

I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. 

What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. 

Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills.

When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are.  I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past!

​2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 
Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened.  
 
A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. 

A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 
Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. 

Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." 

There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 

4. Follow up after an apology.
​Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology.

Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. 

A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.).

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process.  
Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!).  

I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. 

In summary...
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment.  

2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less.

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 

4. Follow up after an apology.

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. 

The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust?

I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below!

Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you!

Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
​(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second
(3)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively
(4)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly
(5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples
(6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation
(8)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now