Hello,
Just, wow... Who knew that when we began 2020 that EVERYTHING in our lives would change in just a few short months? COVID-19 was definitely not anywhere on my goals and plans for the year. However, I am incredibly grateful that, so far, my family and loved ones have been healthy. As of the publication date of this blog post, I continue to see all clients through telehealth. Please see my previous blog post (1) for more in depth information on current telehealth services. I will post when any changes to services occur, and when I will see clients in the office again. A huge thank you to all of my clients who have been so patient, understanding, and flexible during this time. You rock! With the far reach of COVID-19, I have often been thinking about all my clients and their loved ones. As therapists, we go into this field because we really do care about people. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy right now. Not just physically, but psychologically too. We ALL need a little extra TLC and support during this time. That is why today I pulled together a list of 5 articles to help you manage the increased stress from COVID-19. Like I say to my clients, read the articles but focus on the light bulb moments. We cannot possibly apply everything we read (or watch), but laser focus in on the golden nuggets. What are these light bulb moments you say? Well, think about what solutions in the articles apply to your situation right now. What has been on your mind a lot lately? Use your emotional pain points as a filter whenever you are learning about psychological or relationship concepts. I think this approach of scanning for solutions to specific problems is beneficial for several reasons. It really helps you to get the most out of the time and effort spent on reading growth articles (or reading books or watching videos). This approach is also a great way to better remember what you have learned. Finally, it helps you to avoid getting overwhelmed and attempting to change everything all at once (which is dooming yourself to failure). Just pick one small area to work on. Consistent small changes lead to big results in your mental health and in your relationship health! Then, after you make those changes, focus on maintaining them. Don't just skip to the next thing; ignore any itches to add more changes. Maintaining progress IS progress! 5 Articles To Help You Manage The Increased Stress From COVID-19 Can Your Relationship Survive the Togetherness of a Pandemic? Here Are 11 Things Couples' Therapists Recommend (2) - Article from TIME (3) Keeping Your Relationship Healthy During the Coronavirus (4) - Article from Psychology Today (5) How to Protect Your Mental Health During the Coronavirus Outbreak (6) - Article from NAMI (7) Parenting During Coronavirus: You Are Enough (8) - Article from PBS Kids for parents (9) Keeping up kids' mental health during coronavirus (10) - Article from National Geographic (11) During times of increased stress, we all (us and our kids) tend to regress to earlier stages of functioning and lean on unhealthier coping habits. Like the article from PBS Kids says, "you are enough." Some days, and some moments are really hard; we are all struggling in different ways. It's okay to admit that you are having a tough time. It's okay to say, "I'm having a hard day." Reach out to your loved ones, your friends, or anyone you trust for support. You can get the love and support you need, and you might even inspire someone to be vulnerable too, and share what they are really going through. Let's do what we can to take care of ourselves and each other. Stay healthy and well friends! I know this has been so hard, on so many of levels. To my clients, I will see you soon online. And, you might see my cat too... Do you know how many I have??? I sure have enjoyed meeting your pets. Have a great weekend everyone! All the best, Holly PS - Can I send you an email about once a quarter? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/current-clients-please-see-important-updates-and-changes-due-to-covid-19 (2) https://time.com/5811146/coronavirus-married-relationship/ (3) https://time.com/ (4)https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-lies-and-conflict/202003/keeping-your-relationship-healthy-during-the-coronavirus (5) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us (6)https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/March-2020/How-to-Protect-Your-Mental-Health-during-the-Coronavirus-Outbreak (7) https://www.nami.org/home (8) https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/parenting-during-coronavirus-you-are-enough (9) https://www.pbs.org/parents (10)https://www.nationalgeographic.com/family/in-the-news/coronavirus/kids-mental-health-coronavirus/ (11) https://www.nationalgeographic.com/
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(1)
Hello,
How are you? Hope you are having a great week. Thank you for joining me today! This week's blog will contain two business updates and a fun couple exercise. Enjoy. First, business updates. Transitioning to a quarterly blog and newsletter: I am going to transition from a weekly blog and weekly newsletter, to a quarterly blog and newsletter. I will also publish blogs and newsletters as important business updates occur. My personal goal was to do these weekly, and I can say that I accomplished my goal and I learned a lot! I enjoy how as part of my job I get to keep learning all the time (both on the healthy relationships side and also the entrepreneurial side). Sometimes the pace is overwhelming, lol (as anyone who owns a business knows), but I really do love the journey. It's one of the reasons I started my own practice. As you may know, I owned a counseling private practice (Tranquil Waters Counseling and Wellness) for 4 years and then I stayed at home for 2 years full-time with my daughter. For a couple years I was a full-time stay at home parent, and so even during that short time technology changed rapidly. In coming back to work, I sought to keep an eye out for helpful technology that will benefit my clients. This is why I have developed an informative website, an online scheduling system, and intake paperwork you can complete securely from your smartphone (HIPAA compliant too!). Furthermore, I believe that blogs and newsletters are immensely helpful too... One, for clients seeking general information about the business who are trying to identify if I'm the right fit. Two, so that people interested in the business can stay informed about helpful products or services being offered. I am also excited to transition to working on some different areas of growth in my business, but more on that on a later date! I have learned a lot doing these weekly blogs and newsletters... I hope that they have been inspiring and useful for you as the reader! Thank you for following. And see you quarterly! Changing the couples intake assessment process: Another important business update is that I have changed the couples counseling intake assessment process. I am excited to announce that I will be implementing a recommended intake assessment approach from Drs. John and Julie Gottman (2). This was inspired by my Level 1 (3) and Level 2 (4) Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Click the links if you want to learn more about them. Gottman Method Couples Therapy recommends from their research that the initial assessment appointments involve the following: one meeting with the couple together, and separate individual appointments with each partner alone. The fourth session is a feedback session on the findings and counselor treatment recommendations. I am proud to now be offering couples this assessment and feedback process. In the past I only assessed couples together at the intake. As you may know, if you have done couples counseling before or if you have ever worked on growing as a couple, your journeys are both together and separate. Furthermore, you may also have discovered (or may have been a little disappointed, lol!) that the only person you can change is yourself! This is one of the many reasons I am excited to connect with each partner individually, so I can better understand each person's journey and goals. Gottman Method Couples Therapy has some really amazing tools for helping couples to emotionally connect; possibly even in deep ways they have never done before. If you are in couples counseling with me you will likely see some of these helpful strategies! I really love their approach! Now, on to the fun couple exercise! Usually at the top of my blogs I have a picture, but today I included a song by Maren Morris (1). I specifically chose a version with lyrics so you could read them while you listen. This song resonated with me as a relationship therapist because Maren explores profound relationship truths in a beautiful song. The song is chock full of great relationship observations (and possible discussion points), but I will just explore one! Maren describes in the song how the paint can be peeling on the house or the glass could shatter, but as long as the bones are strong on the house, the house will still stand. I think this is very true in relationships. I often talk with couples about this, and I incorporate this in my life with my own family. The paint peeling and the glass shattering are the problems that come up, differences in personality or style, normal developmental changes that are stressful, or mistakes we make. I like to emphasize that we cannot change that these things happen. There is no couple relationship that doesn't have problems or differences in personality! The goal of every couple is not to have an absence of problems, but to be able to feel stronger on the other side of conflict and challenges. Additionally, what counts in having a long-term and mutually satisfying relationship are the bones... The bones are having integrity, being trustworthy, committing to each other, apologizing sincerely and making changes when you make a bad decision, honoring your partner's concerns and dreams (even when different from your own), being a friend, and always growing in your communication skills so that you can more smoothly work through the inevitable daily and weekly bumps in the road. I also think the bones could be considered the shared values you have. This is what couples counseling is about... Helping couples to be able to handle problems and differences in a way that leaves the couple feeling more connected and stronger on the other side. It's about developing relationship resilience and a lasting emotional connection. Exercise directions:
Have a wonderful rest of the week. All the best, Holly PS - Can I send you an email about once a quarter? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love.
This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 12/8/2014. The picture has been changed and updates/edits have been made for clarity (1).
The time in between getting engaged and getting married is often a very exciting—but also an incredibly busy and stressful—time for couples. Oftentimes there is a to-do list a mile long! When knocking out each of those items on your seemingly endless list of tasks to get done, what is really most important? Is it trying cake samples? Finding the perfect wedding dress? Planning the perfect bachelor/bachelorette party? Making arrangements for the honeymoon? As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am trained to think about what couples can do to protect their relationship and what factors put the couple at risk for divorce in the future. The best (and easiest) time to work on your relationship is when couples are first together—before getting married—because they are setting up the habits and patterns that define the rest of their lives together. Once harmful patterns are already in place, they can sometimes be hard to break after three, five, or ten years of marriage. If left unchecked, these negative habits can have a devastating impact on a couple, and they can sometimes even lead to the demise of a marriage. Even if couples, who come in to see me for counseling, quickly make changes to the most harmful of patterns, they still have to work on repairing all the damage that has been done in the past (which takes time). So, what is the most important thing you can do to nurture and protect your relationship when you are engaged? I believe that the best thing you can do is to develop a healthy relationship outlook. A healthy relationship outlook rests on six pillars: 1. Understanding and acceptance: Cultivate understanding and acceptance that the person who you love is often going to be the one who hurts you the most in life—and also that you will hurt the one you love (sometimes tremendously). Your partner sees you at your best, your worst, and everything in between. You will go through great times together—but also incredibly difficult ones. 2. How we work through our problems is more important than the problems themselves: Couples who understand that they will be each other’s greatest source of joy, but also pain, realize that it is not the problems that define them—it is how they work through their problems that defines their relationship. People with amazing marriages have just as many problems as other people. I think it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that people who are happy, or have happy marriages, just had it easy in life or are just lucky. In reality, everyone has problems—not necessarily the same ones—but everyone has struggles that are painful. It is how struggles are handled that makes all the difference. 3. Fess up when we mess up—every time: Wise couples know that in order to prevent issues from piling up with each and every unresolved problem, it is important that they take full responsibility for their choices. Why is this important? Well, why do couples wind up in my counseling office? Just about every single one tells me it is because their problems piled up, one after the other, over a period of years, and they just could not take it anymore. In contrast, couples who have healthier marriages take full and unabashed responsibility for their mistakes (every single time) and completely avoid justifying poor decisions or blaming others for their actions. Furthermore, once responsibility has been taken, the offender takes steps to fix the problem and keeps his or her partner posted of the progress made. 4. An unwavering view that hurting our partner is NEVER justified, even when they hurt us first: When a relationship is new and fresh, oftentimes couples could never imagine doing something to hurt the other. As the newness wears off in a relationship, couples become more at risk for becoming complacent in a relationship. Slowly couples can get caught in the trap of doing things to hurt each other—just because they were hurt first. For example, Katie feels justified and "right" for yelling back and putting down her spouse because her spouse made a joke at her expense. Healthier couples take the hard line that hurting each other is NEVER okay, but this does not mean they think being hurt is all right. They just find a better way to communicate their hurts instead of lashing out at their partner to show how much pain they are in. Couples who get caught in this trap think that they are justified in what they did, because of what the other did first, when what is really happening is that they are becoming exactly what they did not like in the first place. 5. Genuine apologies are the best apologies: Couples whose relationship problems do not become center stage in their life are experts at great apologies. When apologies are done in a sincere, loving, specific, and genuine way that demonstrates a clear understanding of the damage done—couples can move beyond their problems and focus on enjoying their lives! Genuine apologies are the remedy for old issues coming up over and over again like a broken record. 6. Intense empathy: Healthier couples have intensity about understanding and appreciating their loved one. They have an insatiable curiosity and respect in regards to the other person’s perspective, even though they may not always see eye to eye. If you are currently in the early stages of your relationship or engaged, please consider making a firm commitment to working on these six pillars of a healthy relationship outlook in order to develop habits that make the good times even more wonderful, and protect your relationship during the rocky ones. Even if you are married and have been in a relationship for a while, these pillars can help you too! Working on these areas is a gift that will last well beyond your wedding date, and if practiced daily, can be benefited from for the rest of your lives together! Thanks for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter or Facebook. Talk to you next week! All the best, Holly PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
References and Links
(1) https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/december-08th-2014
Found this blog helpful? Other posts you might enjoy:
Hello Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! I have a few resources to share with you today that build on the topic of trust from last week (5 Rebuilding trust tips for couples) (2). I found two videos and one podcast that all center around Dr. John Gottman's views on trust.
If you are unfamiliar with Dr. Gottman and his impressive research on relationships and communication, you can learn more about who he is here (3) or you can check out the home page of The Gottman Institute here (4). Also in those links you will discover that Dr. John Gottman has worked closely with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who has equally made incredible contributions to the field. I have been incorporating more and more of Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottmans' work into my practice because it is research-based and there are a variety of useful and effective tools for couples (I can't wait to share them with you!). These professionals have made such an incredible contribution to our knowledge about what makes relationships survive (and thrive), versus fail. Finally, after you have done 40 years of in-depth research on relationships, you probably know a thing or two about them (5)! As you can imagine, trust is an essential component of a thriving romantic relationship or marriage. Ongoing problems with trust often lead to relationship or marriage dissatisfaction. I know "trust" seems pretty abstract, right??? But boy you sure know when it's not working well in your relationship... So, how do you make real and lasting changes that you can FEEL? The good news is that we now know a whole lot more about which healthy habits to do (and which ones not to do). This has really been a major foundation of Dr. John Gottman's work. The even better news is that you can actually learn which habits lead to thriving romantic relationships, versus ones that lead to unhappiness or breakups/ divorce. Here's the bad news: Forming healthy habits takes a willingness to learn and grow, and a commitment to long-term practice over time. It also means reducing and removing harmful habits (and being able to admit you have them). Which, that's not so bad, right?! You can do this!!! Healthy relationships are just based on skills you can learn, but it does take time and practice. This is often where a couples counselor can be really beneficial, because we can guide you on which habits to focus on improving (especially in the context of your specific relationship strengths and weaknesses). So, enjoy Dr. Gottman's views on trust, and start thinking about how you can turn his recommendations into real habits in your own life! "John Gottman: How to Build Trust" (6):
What did you think about the trust resources? Where do you feel you can make some real improvements on your daily and weekly habits so you can really FEEL the difference as the months (and years) go by? When consuming videos, podcasts, books, etc., I think it's a good strategy to hone in on what was particularly meaningful for you and why. So, was there anything that was especially meaningful for you? If so, what made it stick out to you? Comment below!
Talk to you next week! Have a terrific weekend! All the best, Holly PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now (2) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-rebuilding-trust-tips-for-couples (3) https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/ (4) https://www.gottman.com/ (5) https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/ (6) https://youtu.be/rgWnadSi91s (7) https://youtu.be/0edZLvUTojA (8) https://youtu.be/AbusKrcNJTI 
Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.
So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling. Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:
5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples 1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice. The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:
Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship. I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills. When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are. I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past! 2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened. A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 4. Follow up after an apology. Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology. Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.). 5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!). I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. In summary... 1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 4. Follow up after an apology. 5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust? I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below! Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you! Talk to you next week! All the best, Holly PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now (2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second (3)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively (4)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly (5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples (6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now (7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation (8)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now
Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love.
This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 9/5/2015. The picture has been changed and updates/edits have been made for clarity (1).
If you have been on Facebook, Twitter, or watched the news lately, you have probably seen something about the Ashley Madison website hack (this is a website specifically designed for people who are married and are looking to have an affair). In case you missed it, you can check out ABC News for a summary (2). Given the staggering number of users on the website (including public and government officials), many couples may be wondering what they can do to protect their relationship from an affair. I truly believe this is an important topic for couples to discuss, because affairs are common in relationships. It is one of the most devastating problems that could happen because of the resulting shattered trust that takes a long time to be rebuilt. Here are seven ways you can protect your relationship from an affair: 1. Acknowledge that your relationship is not affair-proof. When couples believe, "An affair could never happen to us; we are too in love," they tend to not put protection and boundaries in place. Affairs often happen due to a slow and almost imperceptible shifting of boundaries over a long period of time. Often it is not until after the affair ends when the couple realizes it started way before that first kiss or sexual encounter. It may have begun with spending more time, as friends, with a coworker. 2. Discuss and agree on relationship boundaries, ideally early in the relationship. Tweak as needed. Healthy boundaries are flexible enough to provide room for positive people and experiences to flow into your life, but also firm enough to provide protection against possible problems. For instance, developing positive coworker friendships can provide meaning and satisfaction in the workplace, but also being aware of not spending too much time alone with a coworker who you could become attracted to is also important. 3. Make transparency a daily habit in your relationship. I believe in full-disclosure. If your partner has a question, you answer it. If an old flame approaches you on Facebook, you let your partner know about it right away (without having to be asked). I also advocate that couples have full access to all usernames and passwords. If you have nothing to hide, any accounts or emails that you have should be pretty boring. Knowing you have access to all your partner’s accounts at any time creates accountability and leads to a tremendous sense of security. 4. Take care of yourself and deal with stress. Eating healthy, getting enough rest, developing a passionate hobby, and nurturing important relationships in your life, will allow you to make much better relationship decisions than someone who is not doing so. I often say to couples in counseling that our spouses frequently get “thrown under the bus” and take the brunt of the blame when we are not feeling happy in our lives. It is not realistic to expect our significant other to meet all of our needs to feel physically and emotionally healthy. If we would just take a nap, go for a walk, spend some time with a best friend, etc. we would feel a lot better. 5. Surround yourself with friends who support healthy relationships and maintain positive relationship habits. If you want a long-term, healthy, and monogamous relationship with your spouse, befriend people who have healthy relationships. Your support network has such an incredible impact on how you respond to problems with your partner. Think about the friends you surround yourself with. What are their attitudes towards cheating? Do they give you good advice during the normal and inevitable ups and downs of a long-term relationship? Or do they take sides and create further distance between you and your loved one? Do they advocate growth and personal responsibility in their relationships or do they blame everyone else for their relationship problems and remain personally stagnant? 6. Make a commitment to use healthy communication and to resolve issues when they are small or new. Couples who have healthy relationships enjoy learning about each other and learning how to communicate better throughout their lives. They know that the better they communicate, and the stronger their relationship is, the easier it is to handle problems that come up. Keep in mind, you will always have issues to resolve or work out with your partner – often more than anyone else in your life. A couple who only deals with relationship issues that are huge and have been going on for years, may believe that the only way out is a drastic solution such as divorce or an affair. If you are in a romantic relationship and early on experience struggles communicating, it might be an indicator you need to work on your communication through reading relationship books, attending a workshop, or going to couples counseling. 7. Keep passion alive in your relationship. After the initial honeymoon phase (where passion comes so easy), it often takes a more proactive and planned approach to keep passion alive in the relationship. Even if it is more thought-out and planned, it can be just as wonderful! Make sure to plan dates that are fun and out of the ordinary. Do not get stuck in a rut by doing the same date every time. Surprise your partner from time to time with whatever activities or things your partner enjoys most. To sum it all up... The best time to discuss the above seven areas is in the early stages of a relationship, but it is never too late to discuss them! This is why I always include a discussion about affair prevention with premarital couples I work with. It can be tough for me to convince couples that they need to think about preventing an affair right at the exact moment when they are feeling so incredibly in love! But believe me, it is an important topic, because I see way too many couples who love each other at my office saying, “We never thought it would happen to us.” With a little bit of discussion and the implementation of some simple strategies, you can go a long way in protecting your relationship from an affair. Thanks for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter or Facebook. Talk to you next week! All the best, Holly PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
Hello. I'm so glad you are here. Hope you had a great 4th of July. No original blog or newsletter last week due to the holiday, but a brand new original blog today.
Thanks for watching! Any comments or questions? I'd love to hear them! Hope you are staying cool with the summer heat and humidity. I could really use a nice beach right now... All the best, Holly PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
What do sock worms and a ridiculous Polaroid picture have to do with your relationships? Watch the video to find out!
Thanks for watching! All the best, Holly
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
A video??? Cool!
Hey there! I just thought I would do something a little different today and post a video for you. Enjoy!
By the way, if the video was helpful, can I ask you a favor? I am researching putting together some workshops that would be similar to what you just saw above.
Essentially, there would be a small educational component to the workshop, but most of the time you would actually be focused on how to apply the information to your own life. Additionally, since there would be others attending too, you could get feedback and support from the community. The workshop would likely be repeating (every week on the same day and time) so that you could continue to refine and hone your skills. The goal of the workshop is to provide the public with a fun and useful way to support mental health. Counseling is great (and very helpful), but I guess I'm wondering if there are other ways to support mental fitness that the public would be interested in. Some questions:
Any thoughts or feedback are much appreciated! Please comment below or send me an email. Thank you :) All the best, Holly L. Harrison PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love.
This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 5/21/2013. A picture has been added to the post, and updates/edits have been made for clarity (1).
Intro:
Hey there! How are you? I'm so glad you're here today. This week I'm out of the office enjoying some family time with my sister, my brother-in-law, and their kids; it's always a treat to see them since they live in a different state! I'm grateful they made the drive here to Springfield. Today I am republishing one of my past blog posts because it contains a really important lesson that I go over with each couple I work with. Not only is the information helpful for couples, but for anyone who may need to discuss a concern that contains strong emotions. I personally use this too! You can even use today's blog lesson with your kids, siblings, parents, co-workers, and others to help you have clearer communication and to help you keep the defensiveness and escalation down to a minimum. Talking about big emotions can be tough, but you don't need to make it harder than it needs to be! When "I statements" Turn Ugly: So, how many times have you heard the mantra that we should use “I statements” in our communication? Probably a lot! We often hear the recommendation that saying “I feel___________” will fix a lot of our communication problems. However, if you've used "I feel___________" with some mixed results, you may be wondering why sometimes the statements still lead to escalation, frustration, anger, and communication confusion. Today's blog is about helping you use the structure correctly, and how to avoid potential pitfalls. Let's prevent your I statements from turning ugly! I statements definitely are very helpful when communicating, but there are some important nuances to remember when you use them. To demonstrate what I mean, I will give you two examples to compare and contrast. Example 1: “When you raised your voice at me when we were at your parents’ house last night I felt hurt, upset, and embarrassed.” Example 2: “Last night at your parents’ house, I felt you were trying to make a fool out of me and were out to prove how much more you know than I do. I feel that this is just another example of why you do not care about me.” Okay… Which one would you rather hear from your partner? Which example seems a little fairer and more specific? Probably example one! Also, if you were the one hearing example two said to you, you are probably feeling a little defensive (or maybe quite a bit). Why is this? People tend to tack on assumptions, or character attacks, onto the end of their I statements (“out to prove how much more you know than I do,” or “you do not care about me”). When this happens, your I statements quickly turn ugly. These negative assumptions convey a person is 100% bad, all the time. Essentially they convey the person has a serious character defect (which is shaming and blaming) instead of there being a specific behavior, or pattern of behaviors, that are a concern (and an opportunity for growth and discussion). Negative assumptions/character attacks also convey that you know exactly why the person did what they did which tends to escalate disagreements almost instantly. The reason why I statements are recommended in the first place is because used properly, they stick purely to your emotional reaction and they steer clear from making our own interpretation or spin on what happened. In some cases, maybe you partner was making fun of you in the moment, but it does not necessarily mean he or she does not care about you. Delving deeper into this example, it's important to focus on the joke that was said, the tone of voice that was used, and how you felt after you heard the joke. The focus is on specific external observations and specific internal feeling reactions. Things to remember when using I statements: 1. Avoid using “it made me feel” or "you made me feel." This conveys that the other person was trying to make you feel a certain way and can lead to defensiveness in the person hearing the statement. Just say "I feel ____________" or "I felt___________." 2. Stick to simple emotions after using “I feel.” Here are some examples of emotions: hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, happy, confused, embarrassed, panic, surprised, guilt, shame, hope, bored, scared etc. 3. Keep the negative assumptions, or character attacks, out of your conversation because it's not fair to the listener, it's not constructive feedback, and you could be veering into the territory of saying things to tear the other person down to make yourself feel better. Let the other person come forward and explain their actions. Ask questions instead of assuming. 4. During the overall discussion you are having, it helps to make a habit of sprinkling in what you appreciate and what has been especially meaningful to you in the past (in relation to the topic you are discussing). Why? It helps you both to see the bigger picture of the importance of your relationship as a whole. This will help keep defensiveness down, and you both will feel like you are having a helpful discussion instead of a fight. In summary: I statements work best when people stick to stating how they feel, stating the specific behavioral observations (what was said or done), what their concerns are, and what they would like to see happen differently in the future (using specific examples). Sprinkle in some genuine statements of gratitude and appreciation that directly relate to the topic at hand. Then after this, allow your partner to come forward and explain what they did, why they did it, and to apologize. Ask questions to get clarification on assumptions you have. Using I statements effectively in your communication can be one of many tools that you can use to make your communication better. By effectively using I statements, your communication will be much fairer, clear to the listener, and you will be more likely to come to a successful resolution. After reading today's blog, have you ever been guilty of using the ugly I statement? Can you think of a time when someone has said an ugly I statement to you? Can you make a commitment to working on this and adding this into your Forever Homework habits (2)? Comment below! Thanks for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter or Facebook. Talk to you next week! All the best, Holly L. Harrison PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
References and Links
(1) https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly (2) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples |
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The information on this website and the blog is for informational and entertainment purposes only. I am not guaranteeing any results. Please note that the information on this website is not intended to replace or be a substitute for any professional financial, medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional or medical advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. If you follow or use the information on the blog, website, newsletter, and social media accounts, you agree that it is at your own risk and you will not hold Holly L. Harrison or MoxiePsychology, LLC liable or responsible for the outcome. MoxiePsychology Legacy is an outpatient mental health clinic and not equipped for emergency services. If you are in need of emergency mental or medical services, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. AuthorHolly L. Harrison, MA, LMFT 
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Holly L. Harrison, MA, LMFT
Relationship, Boundaries, & Communication Expert MoxiePsychology Legacy 1736 E Sunshine St, Suite 408 Springfield, MO 65804 Located inside the Plaza Towers building (4th Floor) Phone: (417) 771-5932 Email: holly@moxiepsychologylegacy.com |
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