Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.
So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling. Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:
5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples 1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice. The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:
Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship. I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills. When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are. I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past! 2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened. A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 4. Follow up after an apology. Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology. Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.). 5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!). I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. In summary... 1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 4. Follow up after an apology. 5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust? I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below! Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you! Talk to you next week! All the best, Holly PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now (2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second (3)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively (4)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly (5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples (6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now (7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation (8)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now
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Hello. I'm so glad you are here. Hope you had a great 4th of July. No original blog or newsletter last week due to the holiday, but a brand new original blog today.
Thanks for watching! Any comments or questions? I'd love to hear them! Hope you are staying cool with the summer heat and humidity. I could really use a nice beach right now... All the best, Holly PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added. A video??? Cool!
Hey there! I just thought I would do something a little different today and post a video for you. Enjoy!
By the way, if the video was helpful, can I ask you a favor? I am researching putting together some workshops that would be similar to what you just saw above.
Essentially, there would be a small educational component to the workshop, but most of the time you would actually be focused on how to apply the information to your own life. Additionally, since there would be others attending too, you could get feedback and support from the community. The workshop would likely be repeating (every week on the same day and time) so that you could continue to refine and hone your skills. The goal of the workshop is to provide the public with a fun and useful way to support mental health. Counseling is great (and very helpful), but I guess I'm wondering if there are other ways to support mental fitness that the public would be interested in. Some questions:
Any thoughts or feedback are much appreciated! Please comment below or send me an email. Thank you :) All the best, Holly L. Harrison PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
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This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 5/21/2013. A picture has been added to the post, and updates/edits have been made for clarity (1).
Intro:
Hey there! How are you? I'm so glad you're here today. This week I'm out of the office enjoying some family time with my sister, my brother-in-law, and their kids; it's always a treat to see them since they live in a different state! I'm grateful they made the drive here to Springfield. Today I am republishing one of my past blog posts because it contains a really important lesson that I go over with each couple I work with. Not only is the information helpful for couples, but for anyone who may need to discuss a concern that contains strong emotions. I personally use this too! You can even use today's blog lesson with your kids, siblings, parents, co-workers, and others to help you have clearer communication and to help you keep the defensiveness and escalation down to a minimum. Talking about big emotions can be tough, but you don't need to make it harder than it needs to be! When "I statements" Turn Ugly: So, how many times have you heard the mantra that we should use “I statements” in our communication? Probably a lot! We often hear the recommendation that saying “I feel___________” will fix a lot of our communication problems. However, if you've used "I feel___________" with some mixed results, you may be wondering why sometimes the statements still lead to escalation, frustration, anger, and communication confusion. Today's blog is about helping you use the structure correctly, and how to avoid potential pitfalls. Let's prevent your I statements from turning ugly! I statements definitely are very helpful when communicating, but there are some important nuances to remember when you use them. To demonstrate what I mean, I will give you two examples to compare and contrast. Example 1: “When you raised your voice at me when we were at your parents’ house last night I felt hurt, upset, and embarrassed.” Example 2: “Last night at your parents’ house, I felt you were trying to make a fool out of me and were out to prove how much more you know than I do. I feel that this is just another example of why you do not care about me.” Okay… Which one would you rather hear from your partner? Which example seems a little fairer and more specific? Probably example one! Also, if you were the one hearing example two said to you, you are probably feeling a little defensive (or maybe quite a bit). Why is this? People tend to tack on assumptions, or character attacks, onto the end of their I statements (“out to prove how much more you know than I do,” or “you do not care about me”). When this happens, your I statements quickly turn ugly. These negative assumptions convey a person is 100% bad, all the time. Essentially they convey the person has a serious character defect (which is shaming and blaming) instead of there being a specific behavior, or pattern of behaviors, that are a concern (and an opportunity for growth and discussion). Negative assumptions/character attacks also convey that you know exactly why the person did what they did which tends to escalate disagreements almost instantly. The reason why I statements are recommended in the first place is because used properly, they stick purely to your emotional reaction and they steer clear from making our own interpretation or spin on what happened. In some cases, maybe you partner was making fun of you in the moment, but it does not necessarily mean he or she does not care about you. Delving deeper into this example, it's important to focus on the joke that was said, the tone of voice that was used, and how you felt after you heard the joke. The focus is on specific external observations and specific internal feeling reactions. Things to remember when using I statements: 1. Avoid using “it made me feel” or "you made me feel." This conveys that the other person was trying to make you feel a certain way and can lead to defensiveness in the person hearing the statement. Just say "I feel ____________" or "I felt___________." 2. Stick to simple emotions after using “I feel.” Here are some examples of emotions: hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, happy, confused, embarrassed, panic, surprised, guilt, shame, hope, bored, scared etc. 3. Keep the negative assumptions, or character attacks, out of your conversation because it's not fair to the listener, it's not constructive feedback, and you could be veering into the territory of saying things to tear the other person down to make yourself feel better. Let the other person come forward and explain their actions. Ask questions instead of assuming. 4. During the overall discussion you are having, it helps to make a habit of sprinkling in what you appreciate and what has been especially meaningful to you in the past (in relation to the topic you are discussing). Why? It helps you both to see the bigger picture of the importance of your relationship as a whole. This will help keep defensiveness down, and you both will feel like you are having a helpful discussion instead of a fight. In summary: I statements work best when people stick to stating how they feel, stating the specific behavioral observations (what was said or done), what their concerns are, and what they would like to see happen differently in the future (using specific examples). Sprinkle in some genuine statements of gratitude and appreciation that directly relate to the topic at hand. Then after this, allow your partner to come forward and explain what they did, why they did it, and to apologize. Ask questions to get clarification on assumptions you have. Using I statements effectively in your communication can be one of many tools that you can use to make your communication better. By effectively using I statements, your communication will be much fairer, clear to the listener, and you will be more likely to come to a successful resolution. After reading today's blog, have you ever been guilty of using the ugly I statement? Can you think of a time when someone has said an ugly I statement to you? Can you make a commitment to working on this and adding this into your Forever Homework habits (2)? Comment below! Thanks for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter or Facebook. Talk to you next week! All the best, Holly L. Harrison PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.
References and Links
(1) https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly (2) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples
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This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 9/11/2013. Pictures have been added to the post, clearer titles have been included, and minor edits have been made for clarity (1).
There is one phrase I tell all of my clients to memorize who are coming in for relationship work because it is so important:
“Am I a good person to talk to right now?” I love this phrase because it neatly sums up so much in one sentence! The message here is that no one is good to talk to all of the time. This is okay and it just means you are normal. Also, it is okay that you get hungry, lonely, sad, sick, angry, and just plain worn out sometimes. You might even be a mix of all of the above! The key is to recognize your own emotional and physical state to make a determination of your readiness for conversation and interaction. Those with effective communication habits already have made a habit of doing an internal check on a regular basis, and especially before every important conversation they have at home or at work. They may not outright say to themselves, “Am I a good person to talk to right now?” but they do some form of assessment. The effects of not doing an internal self-check can be devastating on a relationship. When that self-check is not done, your communication can potentially be fueled from negative emotions such as anger, fear, jealousy, and sadness. So, what is the typical reaction to conversation fueled by negative emotions? Potentially more harmful emotion based conversation hurled right back at you from the listener that continues to escalate on both sides. Hurtful and demeaning communication habits can lead to distance in a relationship, broken trust, and possibly even a relationship ending. Remember—you are completely normal for wanting to say some negative statements based on your emotions at times; the only part you can change is recognizing when your emotions are getting the best of you and removing yourself from the situation. 
how to best use this phrase if you are a couple:
1. When first practicing this self-check, pick out routine times to assess yourself. Maybe try breakfast, lunch, dinner, and right before bedtime. This will give you the opportunity to start to figure out your best, okay, and worst times to communicate on a general basis.
2. Do a self-check whenever you begin to have strong negative emotions, and regularly throughout the wave of the emotions until you are back to your typical emotional state. 3. Remove yourself from any conversation and wait to respond to a text, email, phone message, etc. until you have cooled off and had some time to more objectively view the situation. For example, waiting a day or even two days can be very helpful. A good night's rest can do wonders. 4. If you find that during the majority of your day you are irritable, angry, sad, frustrated, etc. and not a good person to talk to, then this is an indicator that you might need some extra support in processing and working through your own emotions. Or maybe you are reeling after a bunch of stressful events that happened all at once, and you need some time and additional self-care. Either way, it is vitally important to the success of your relationship that you recognize when you are utilizing conversation fueled by negative emotion, or healthy, constructive, and fair communication. 
Summary:
Work on setting your conversations up for success! Practice incorporating an internal self-check several times throughout your day until you have created an automatic habit. I definitely am realistic in that there is usually never a perfect time to communicate about important topics; however, I do believe there are BETTER times to do so.
The majority of the work in healthy communication involves just recognizing your own internal state and then responding back appropriately when you have cooled off and had some time to recognize the really important issues versus the not as important ones. Really, this is most of the battle. When two people are cognizant of their internal states and communicate when it is a better time for both of them—it is amazing to see the progress and effectiveness soar! Thank you for joining me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. Talk to you next week. All the best, Holly L. Harrison PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have links to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added. The email newsletter is currently being worked on, and once it's ready I'll start sending it out. Thanks for your patience!
References and Links
(1) https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
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All couples get a little “off track” and disconnected sometimes. Today’s blog discusses some things to remember about life when you feel a little out of your relationship groove. Additionally, we will explore a neat analogy to help you understand the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. Keep reading to grow your self-awareness and relationship muscles.
Feeling “off” as a couple? Do you relate to any of these? Hey you there. Yes, I’m talking to you. I see you and your partner struggling after you both spent the last two years caring for an aging parent who just passed away, and you are both physically, mentally, and relationally spent. I see you as well… The couple who has three small children (all under the age of 5). You both feel your hearts and household are overflowing with love, sticky fingers, and deep belly laughs, but you are both feeling disconnected from each other. I see you too… The professional couple that had to make years of sacrifices for your careers in order to move to the next level (12 to 16-hour days for many years between college, graduate school, and the years of training after graduating) so that you can finally earn an income and pay those huge student loans. You are now stable financially, but your relationship has taken a big hit. And I see you over there too… The couple who has been married for three years and all of the newness and sparkle has worn off. All the things that first attracted you to each other are now starting to drive you crazy, and seems to be the cause of most arguments (“why does he have to have an obsession with model building, it’s taking up the entire house!”). 
Some life rules to remember when you are feeling stressed out and disconnected from your partner:
Rule 1: Life is really freaking hard sometimes. Life is beautiful, wonderful, mysterious, amazing, and also really freaking hard sometimes. And sometimes the really freaking hard parts happen for years… Tough sacrifices might have to be made. It can be an honor to take care of a beloved ill parent who was always so good to you, but also extremely taxing (on many levels) and emotionally very difficult. Another example (maybe a little taboo to discuss), is that it is simply amazing to take care of babies and small children, and to love like you have never known it before, but caring for small children is also extremely stressful for parents on many levels. It’s hard for couples because they haven’t slept in 5 years and most of the love making occurred while creating the babies, but not much has been happening since. The kids might be thriving, but the relationship with your partner has withered and changed a little bit. Rule 2: Every couple goes through stressful times. Everyone does (no matter what their Facebook page says). Every couple has stressful times. There is nothing wrong with you or your partner as human beings. You are both beautiful, whole, wonderful, and amazing just as you are. Experiencing stressful events is not in any way a comment on your character or who you are as a person. Couples face a lot of problems and challenges together (potentially thousands of issues). Usually they face more problems together and have more ups and downs than with any other person in their lives. Don't beat yourself up; spend that energy taking care of yourself (and each other) instead. Rule 3: View stressful situations as a separate entity. What’s really important here is that you completely separate the life challenges from your relationship as a whole; you want to look at the tough times as a completely separate entity. Couples often conflate their relationship and their problems. If this goes on too long each individual can believe their partner is the problem instead of feeling like they are a team facing the problem together. Can you sense the difference? Couples who are struggling more tend to see each other as the problem; whereas couples who are more resilient see themselves on a team combating their struggles together. Rule 4: No one is immune to having to do the bare necessities to survive and get by sometimes. Everyone has to prioritize the more important things sometimes (as it should be). Sometimes because of things that happen in life you don’t have time to make home cooked meals every night, the house is disorganized, you haven’t had time to connect with your partner, and you have not had the chance to get a good workout in for at least a couple months. I think having a newborn is a good example of forcing you to let go of things that just aren’t as important as loving the new family member and taking care of the baby’s needs. I think back to my experience of having a newborn. Before having a baby, I took for granted having time to take a shower, prepare a balanced and healthy meal, sleep for 8 hours straight, work out regularly, and clean my house when I wanted to. Having a newborn baby is a magical and wonderful time, but also tough too. It’s universal that all parents have to let go of some other things in order to make room for a new person in their family. It’s also pretty common for couples to have more arguments after a baby is born. This is common because stress levels have suddenly rocketed up—just remember it doesn’t mean anything is necessarily wrong with your relationship. It’s normal for couples to argue more during times of increased stress (and sleep deprivation), and it does not mean there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship or that you won’t get through it. Final thoughts on the life rules: Can you think of a time you prioritized something important (a newborn, a new job, starting graduate school, taking care of an ill parent, etc.) and you chose to focus on that, and you had to let go of some other things in your life? Did you have to make some sacrifices for that priority which included less time with your partner? 
Traveling through the forest on a twisting and paved path analogy.
Your relationship with your partner is like traveling through a forest together on a twisting and paved path. The forest represents life and all the experiences you have together and separately. In this forest there is a twisting and paved path that cuts all the way through it (from the beginning of your relationship to the end). Walking on this path together represents when you and your partner are able to meet your relationship ideals, values, and goals. While on the path you both feel pretty satisfied overall with your relationship together; there may be some bumps but they are handled well. Can you imagine this with me? Picture a beautiful forest. Is it Spring or Fall? Sunrise, the middle of the day, or sunset? Are you holding hands while you walk on the path with your partner? Do you see any animals on your journey? Maybe it's sunset and you see pretty blinking fireflies... Going off the paved path represents when you are being pulled to take care of other things in your life away from your partner. Sometimes it’s just a little way off the path. “Hey, I found a cool looking walking stick, but I’m back now!” Other times you might be in survival mode and you have to take care of important priorities. This life event might take you pretty far off of the path. Sometimes you might be so deep in the forest that you cannot even see the path anymore, and you aren’t completely sure of the way back… 
Sometimes you and your partner are traveling far off of the path together. A good example is when a couple starts having children. Both people may not be able to do everything they would like together (go on dates, have a lot of free time together, etc.); however, they are both working together out in the forest.
Sometimes one partner feels on the path, and pretty good about the relationship, but the other person is out in the forest somewhere. Maybe one person has a lot of professional requirements for his or her field of work that takes them away from home a lot. Or, maybe one person is feeling satisfied with the relationship, but the other isn’t. As you can picture, life events (both happy and stressful ones) will continuously tug at the couple walking on the path. This is normal. Sometimes the couple is experiencing a lot of happiness, satisfaction, and connection, but sometimes the couple has to attend to other important priorities. There is always a shifting, moving, and growing sensation. You are walking on a path because things never stay the same in life; you are never still in your relationship with your partner. Life is always changing. As a couple, the goal isn’t to perfectly stay on the path. That just isn’t realistic. What is realistic and healthy is to notice when things take you off the path. Just observe and be curious. Were you able to feel back on track and get back to a level of connection that you both feel happy with? Or do you still feel like you are deep out in the forest alone? Were you okay being off the path for a little bit, but now it's been too long and you feel you need to do something to reconnect with your partner? Being off of the path by itself isn't negative or “bad.” In fact, sometimes sacrifices are made that are important—they might even be important for the overall health of your relationship or even your extended family. Something else to think about is that relationships change over the years. At the beginning of a relationship a couple may feel like most of the time they are on that paved and twisty path together. They may even feel euphoric, and stressful events feel pretty insignificant since they don't have many shared responsibilities together. As the newness wears off, as their differences are starting to annoy each other, and as they have to face more life challenges, the couple needs to find a way to still feel connected. As the years go by, the couple may find that life takes them off the path for many reasons, but a couple who has a healthier and stronger relationship keeps finding ways to get back on that path and reconnect. It's the habit of getting back on the path and reconnecting that's more important than the number of challenges or problems the couple faces. We can even use this path analogy for when one or both partners feel they have lost track of the path completely. This can happen to every couple; especially when stressful events hit the couple back to back. It’s again important to observe and be curious, and know that you can get back on track! If you are feeling pretty far off the path (maybe farther than you have ever been and you are worried you just stumbled upon a bear den); it’s good to take note of it and start to try different things to reconnect with your partner. Couples counseling when couples are lost out in the woods. Couples counseling may be helpful for couples having trouble getting back on the path who have tried different solutions, but they are finding that nothing is helping significantly. Any couples counselor will tell you that couples usually wait too long before coming in, and run a greater risk for breaking up because they waited until relationship problems consumed their relationship like a cancer that has completely taken over the body. If you notice that you are out deep in the forest and struggling to find your way back; don't wait too long to try various solutions. These solutions might be reading a relationship book together, taking a couples communication class, talking with trusted friends who have a thriving partnership together, going on dates, taking time alone to recharge, or even going to couples counseling. Couples counseling is a service I offer at my office. Click here for a past blog of mine that shares what to expect in couples counseling at MoxiePsychology Legacy (1). 
Questions to think about to increase your self-awareness and grow your relationship muscles ("looking good... have you been working out?"):
In summary, be kind to yourself and your partner as life throws everything it can to try to knock you off track. Get back up, try again, and reconnect each time you get a little off the path. Find little ways and big ways to stay connected with your partner as you adventure through the forest. I'm rooting for you!
Thank you for joining me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. Talk to you next week. All the best, Holly L. Harrison PS Can I send you an email about once a month? The email will have links to my latest blog posts in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added. Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love.
 Do you value psychological health and thriving relationships? If you do, then read on. Today I will discuss 5 easy (and impactful) ways to start being a relationship legacy leader right now (1). You might be someone who values strong relationships, but you would love some inspirational ideas where to start. Or maybe you are a manager or CEO who is looking for ways to connect with your employees. You might even be a parent looking for some tips for nurturing a healthy family.
To review or if you are new (welcome!), a relationship legacy leader is: Someone who is committed to healthy relationships and emotional health for themselves, and also for the people around them. These progressive leaders deeply value thriving and resilient relationships, but are also keenly aware of the relational and emotional impact they have on other people: their partner or spouse, friends, relatives, co-workers, people in their community, kids, etc. These leaders know that in order to collaborate effectively, achieve the greatest growth, and to experience meaning and satisfaction out of life it takes growing our relationship and emotional skills. They intentionally seek out where they can make a difference, and make a conscious choice to do something positive. Whether the impact is on a few people or many, they know it all matters. Seriously, whether your impact is mainly with your close family members or you are a CEO of a large company, it’s all important. What you do matters. The small steps and changes you make are significant, and can completely change your life and the lives of those around you. For example, can you think back to something that someone did or said that completely changed your life in a positive way? Was there a close friend, a coach, a mentor, or a teacher that had a positive impact on you? What did they say or do? That person made a personal choice to say or do what they did; it wasn’t an accident. You can make choices like that too. 5 easy ways to start being a relationship legacy leader right now: 1. Learn how to recognize and label different emotions within yourself. How many can you name?
2. Learn how to recognize and label when you are HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, and tired).
3. Be curious. Curiosity goes hand in hand with empathy, understanding, and eventually better choices and decisions.
4. Use the phrase “I’m glad you told me."
5. Fess up when you mess up—every time (for the rest of your life).
I hope the five ways to start being a relationship legacy leader inspired some ideas for you. I truly hope you can visualize where you can start making some simple changes. The ideas above are simple, but powerful when implemented. There are so many reasons why I think being a relationship legacy leader is important, and why each of us doing our part is important. Today I will just mention one—as a way to change the culture of mass shootings and school shootings we are seeing in our country and across the world. To me, as a therapist, I see these shootings as another reason why it’s important for all of us to take care of our mental health, to destigmatize mental health care, to destigmatize discussing feelings, and to encourage teaching our young kids about emotions (especially boys—they have been hurt for too long by shaming them for having feelings besides anger). I don’t know about you, but when I see the news of another school shooting or a mass shooting, I feel heartbroken and devastated. Sometimes I even cry. I cried when I heard the news of the shootings at the two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand. This week there was a school shooting at the University of North Carolina Charlotte (6). There are likely some important legal changes that need to be made, but what can we do right now (no matter where we fall on the political spectrum)? I believe that each of us, in whatever corner of the world we are in, can start to make a difference now—even on a topic as big as school and mass shootings. How? By being a relationship legacy leader in whatever corner of the world we are in. Psychology is all around us. Our psychological and relationship health matters. Psychology is not a "soft science;" it's a vital science for the success of the human race. Viewing psychology as a "soft science" has been a massive blind spot for us, and has led to the denial of the importance of mental health and relationship health. The good news is, we can all do something, starting right now. In summary, you can be a relationship legacy leader by: 1. Learning how to recognize and label different emotions within yourself. 2. Learning how to recognize and label when you are HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired). 3. Being curious. 4. Using the phrase "I'm glad you told me." 5. Fessing up when you mess up—every time (for the rest of your life). So, think about what we explored today. Have a discussion with people you trust about being a relationship legacy leader. Print out the article as a guide if that's helpful. Who do you want to start impacting positively? What is one small thing you can do right now? Do it. It matters. Remember that the people who positively impacted you made a personal choice to do so. Please share if you are thinking of implementing one of these 5 ideas or if today's blog inspired you to make some changes. Looking forward to reading your comments. Thank you for joining me today! If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. Talk to you next week. All the best, Holly L. Harrison References and Links (1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader (2)https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-emotions (3)https://healthypsych.com/h-a-l-t-hungry-angry-lonely-and-tired-a-self-care-tool/ (4)Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts [Kindle SDK 6.0.1 version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com. (5)Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts [Kindle SDK 6.0.1 version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com. (6)https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/01/us/unc-charlotte-shooting.html?module=inline Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love.
 In today’s blog I will discuss a process for uncovering some of your core values from a painful experience you had in the past. These core values will serve as a springboard for positive and action-oriented personal growth in your own life and also as an inspiration for how you can better support the lives of people around you as a Relationship Legacy Leader. I will also discuss narcissism because this topic seems to be on a lot of people's minds lately, and many people are trying to cope and grow from painful experiences in interacting with people with narcissistic traits. Narcissism, I believe, is an area where it would be beneficial to uncover what our deeper values and beliefs are.
Something I have noticed a lot in the news lately are articles on narcissism and the painful experiences that radiate out from that problem. Intuitively, I sense that many people are trying to grapple with, cope, learn, and grow from all the challenges that narcissism brings. Furthermore, coming from this focus on narcissism, humans are trying to learn about what their values are and what is healthy in the context of mental health and relationships. I believe it’s important for us to be able to identify toxic work and family situations so we can set some healthy boundaries, or move on if we need to, but then what do we do after that? Today's blog can help you if you have struggled with someone who may have a lot of narcissistic traits. This blog can also help for any other painful situation where you would like to better understand your values and grow. If it's narcissism-related or any other painful situation in our life, how can we learn from our experiences? How can we use those difficult times to grow beyond that painful event, and also to help those around us? What can we do as far as prevention? How can we stop the generational passing down of toxic or harmful relationship habits (either in a family, workplace environment, government, or religious institution)? I think that these are good questions to be asking ourselves because sometimes problems can seem so big and overwhelming that we have a hard time seeing where to start to make things better. And when problems seem so big and overwhelming, we often end up not doing anything about it. We think, "I'm just one person, what can I do about it?" An important challenge for us personally is to find a way to rise above painful situations versus drowning in resentment, judgment, hopelessness, and frustration. This is especially the case if we have a relationship with someone who meets criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (or even antisocial personality disorder). Sadly, there is not much we can do to change that specific relationship; the nature of these disorders is that lacking empathy and disregarding the pain of others becomes a consistent lifelong personality trait that typically does not shift much throughout adulthood. However, I want you to know that if you have experienced a painful event (or had experience with someone with narcissistic personality disorder), there is hope and you can learn and rise above it. In the case with narcissism, we need to shift our focus to working on prevention and discovering/living out our values. Here are my ideas and opinions for preventing narcissism. First, I think we should value teaching boys and girls (throughout their childhood) about their feelings and how to cope with them in a healthy way. So much of our personalities and coping styles are learned and developed from a very young age. Furthermore, we need to value teaching boys about their emotions and not shame them for having feelings. Second, we need to focus on, in my opinion, working on our own mental health, and discovering ways to better support the people in our own lives (kids, family, friends, coworkers, supervisees, etc.). Essentially, we need to value destigmatizing stress, fear, anger, or any difficult emotion. These painful emotions are a part of all of our lives and our mental health. We all have these issues and we all have to find ways to cope with them throughout our lives. We are not bad for having stress and taking care of it! We need to lose the shame, and we all need to work on our mental health regularly just like our physical health. We have gym class for supporting kids' physical health throughout their development, but there is not an equivalent class for kids' mental health. Third, we especially need to value making sure all of the children in our entire world have their physical, emotional, intellectual, and relationship needs met for a variety of important reasons, but also to stop the cycle of wounded and hurt people hurting other people. I think that our recent interest in narcissism actually mean something bigger… I think as humans we are psychologically evolving. If we peer underneath all of our recent concerns about narcissism, I think we will uncover (and discover) some of our core values we aspire to have as humans, as a society, and as a world. So, what are some of your core values? Let’s examine a painful experience you had because that is a big indicator of something important to you. Let’s get underneath the pain, resentment, or maybe even frustration to make a real impact in your own life and in the lives of those around you. How to Examine a Painful Experience as a Way to Uncover Core Values (6 Steps) You may find it beneficial to talk with someone you trust about this or you might find it helpful to write your ideas down in a journal. Step 1: Think of one painful memory (or related incidents) that happened with your family, at work, at church, in politics, etc. What happened? Step 2: List all of the most painful emotions associated with it. Sadness? Frustration? Anger? Despair? Shock? Loneliness? Hopelessness? Step 3: Get underneath those feelings you listed in Step 2. Questions to Ask Yourself (Not All May Apply):
Step 4: Using your answers above as inspiration and guidance, what are your values? Get underneath your frustration and what you see as wrong to figure out what is kind, fair, and embodies integrity. If you need some help, try filling in these statements.
Step 5: Apply the values to yourself. Now that you know some of your values, what does this mean for you personally? Where could you grow in living out your values? Do you have some "blind spots" or areas where you have been telling others to do what maybe you could also benefit from working on? What would living out your values look like? Where is the easiest place to start? Step 6: Apply your values to positively impact the people in your life. List out ideas for concretely living out your values in your relationships with others. What would that look like? Where can you make the biggest impact? Who do you want to make the biggest impact on? This activity can be repeated to gain insight on a variety of different scenarios and situations. I think that this activity is important for many reasons, but there are two especially important ones. One, it can help you to move on and grow from a very painful situation by identifying what good can come from it. Two, it can help you in stopping the process of transmitting your own pain, frustration, resentment, and disappointment onto the next generation and the people around you. The interesting thing about painful events is that we can unconsciously (or without meaning to or wanting to) hand off our own pain and frustration to others unless we actively learn from the situation and find a way to grow beyond it. We have to understand clearly what our values are, what a better scenario looks like, and then actively work towards it. This is because knowing a problem is one thing, but understanding the solution to the problem is a whole separate area of knowledge and wisdom. For example, with the couples I work with I often help them separate their understanding of what the problem is and the solutions to overcome it—they are two very different things. Additionally, couples sometimes discover that even though their problems seem big and emotionally very heavy, the solution can often come from some simple changes. From this exercise today I hope it sparked some ideas for personal and relationship growth. I encourage each of you reading to also think about what your gifts are and how you can use your gifts to live out the values you uncovered. We are all different, and we each have unique gifts. How can you share what makes you unique in a way that helps others? Whatever you do, don’t downplay your gifts! Things we are passionate about, deeply care about, or find easy to do are not necessarily the same for others. In fact, what's easy and fun for you is often hard for others! There are millions of different gifts out there. What is your gift, and how can you live out your values through your gifts? Thanks For Being With Me Today Thanks for joining me today fellow Relationship Legacy Leaders. I hope today’s blog was inspiring for you and sparked some ideas that will create massive positive changes in your own life and in the lives of those around you. The insights and ideas you discovered today can change the world. Have a wonderful rest of the day! All the best, Holly How Couples can communicate Clearly during disagreements to Prevent Defensiveness and Escalation3/28/2019 Download and print blog here for your convenience. Feel free to print it and share it.
 Couples (and anyone for that matter) can find communicating about a concern or a misunderstanding to be challenging. It’s hard for all of us, so how can we communicate in a clear way that is fair to the listener, and is also carried out in a manner that minimizes defensiveness and escalation?
My goal today is to give you some effective strategies that you can implement right away to clean up your communication and prevent escalation and defensiveness. Why? So you can have constructive conversations about the things that matter, and to give you more time to focus on the fun aspects of your relationship (and spend less time on arguing that gets you nowhere). Here is what I will explore:
Avoid Negative Interpretations: The book Fighting for Your Marriage highlights four communication danger signs, but today I am going to focus in on just one—negative interpretations (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010, pp. 50-57). Negative interpretations are assumptions that you have about your partner that are negative generalizations taken to the extreme that are not true, or mostly false. How do you identify them? You can root them out by looking for labels or all or nothing statements. Examples of labels: He is lazy. She is uncaring. He is ________. She is _________. All or nothing statements can be found by listening for the following words: always or never. Additionally, all or nothing statements might include statements like “she just won’t do it” or “that’s just his personality.” By the way, one of the things I give to every new couple who begins couples counseling with me is a copy of the book Fighting for Your Marriage. I tell couples that if you only read one book about relationships, please read this one. It is a great summary of research-based relationship strategies that really work. I also give each couple a Discovery Keeper to track their goals, homework, notes, and milestones. Anyhow, back to negative interpretations... Examples of Negative Interpretations:
Let’s Explore Some Feelings Here: Have you ever been on the receiving end of a negative interpretation or an extremely negative assumption about why you did something? I would bet yes! How did it feel? Pretty awful? Like you were backed into a corner? Maybe you felt like an animal backed into a corner who was ready to strike back? Did you instantly feel defensive? Feeling instantly angry and defensive is pretty universal (I know because I have asked many couples about this, and just about every couple describes how extremely upset and defensive they feel when they are on the receiving end of negative interpretations). I don't like to use the word hate, but people really hate it when others make incorrect negative assumptions about them. Other ways to describe it, is a character attack and veering into the territory of shaming someone. Food for thought... Please remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of a negative assumption (or several at a time). Don't forget it. Use this as motivation for why you choose to be clear in your communication, and fair to others, when you speak about them. How do you prefer to be talked to if you make a mistake or someone feels confused by your actions? Let's Explore Some Harmful Consequences: One consequence of negative interpretations is that they can change our own behavior when we believe in them. I like to emphasize with couples that a good majority of negative interpretations may never be said out loud; instead, they are said in our heads where they fester and grow. When they grow and we believe them, we then tend to act more negatively towards our partner, and in turn our partner may act more negatively towards us. Can you see the back and forth downward spiral that can happen? Another harmful consequence is that when we feel upset, we may feel more comfortable gossiping, and sharing our negative assumptions about someone, than directly approaching the other party to clear up the issue. You know, it's okay to think negative interpretations; do not be hard on yourself about that. We get mad, upset, confused, or worried about things, and we cannot always control what direction our mind goes. What we can control is catching the assumption, and making the choice to not buy into it. This is part of emotional maturity. It takes self-awareness and practice to reach a high level of emotional maturity. We also want to be careful about buying into other people's negative assumptions about others. Escalation and Defensiveness Equation: Making a negative interpretation (or several) + mostly general and vague statements = The person on the receiving end defending their personality/level of care or concern, and feeling confused about what the problem is. As you can see with this equation, the discussion likely won't get very far unless someone makes a smart choice to ask for specifics and decides to stay calm. I want to help you understand the back and forth nature of this dynamic. So, after a person defends their personality (or level of care/concern) the person who originally brought up the issue interprets this defensive response as an indicator of a lack of intelligence, a lack of interest, or a lack of caring. As you can see, very often more negative interpretations are made and they can quickly spiral out of control (on both sides). It’s Okay to Feel a Little Bit Defensive: I want to add a little bit more to this conversation and clarify something. Please realize that even if both parties do pretty well at being specific and clear, both will still internally feel a little defensive and uncomfortable. This is okay and expected; furthermore, communication is never perfect. You may also disagree with the other person on some aspects. It’s often hard when someone holds us accountable for something or it's hard when there are hurt feelings involved. If you are feeling defensive, just be aware of it, and take special note to still stay in the conversation, communicate respectfully, and listen to understand (not to reply and defend yourself). Remember, you cannot control that communication is imperfect and disagreements can be hard at times, but what you can control is making the choice to really understand and clarify the topic at hand. Move the Conversation to Productive Talk: Part of accepting that people are never perfect in their communication, and that communication is naturally messy, means finding ways to move conversations to more productive communication. For example, if you hear someone say a negative assumption to you, it’s not the end of the world (although, I know it doesn’t feel very good!). Your job is to stay calm, ask questions, ask for specific examples of the incident, and also specific examples of what things would look like if the issue was resolved. This will help move the conversation to a more productive direction, and help you get a much clearer picture of the situation. Use an XYZ Statement to Sharpen Your Message and Decrease the Likelihood for Defensiveness and Escalation: Fighting for Your Marriage has a really great tool I like to use with every couple I work with to help them make their concern clear, respectful, and fair. The tool is called the XYZ statement: “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z” (Markman et al., 2010, p. 175). Examples of the XYZ Statement:
Your Clear and Calm Conversation Equation: Using an XYZ statement + specific and factual examples = Giving the other person the best chance to apologize, share their experience, and deeply understand where you are coming from. This equation isn’t going to fix everything, but it will give your conversations a good start, and the best chance of coming to a resolution. Additionally, make sure you use a calm tone of voice. Some Caution Based on My Experience: After helping many couples use the XYZ statement, I have found an incredibly common pitfall that accidentally leads to some defensiveness. Make sure that when you say your feeling that you are only saying a feeling and not a negative interpretation. Those negative interpretations are really sneaky sometimes. I will give you an example of what not to do: “When you didn’t help me give the kids their baths, after I asked you to several times last night, I felt that you were just trying to hurt me and I realized you really don’t care about helping me out with the kids’ bedtime routine.” The underlined part was the oh so sneaky negative interpretations that slithered in there. Please imagine for a moment that someone just said that to you… How would you feel? You are probably feeling really great, and you probably want to admit to where you need to take responsibility and help out more... Not! So, what do you do instead? You can avoid the common pitfall of sneaky negative interpretations by just being very simple and brief. ONLY state a feeling after “I feel.” That’s it. Nothing more. Stop and give the other person a chance to explain, clarify, or apologize if necessary. Examples of feelings: upset, angry, happy, sad, concerned, confused, alarmed, excited, and elated. For more examples of feelings, check out this cool feelings wheel: http://feelingswheel.com/. Or if that last feelings wheel was a bit overwhelming (lots of feelings going on there), and you just want the basics, here is a simpler wheel: http://prismwp-dev.ku.edu/project/feelings-wheel/. A Common Question Based on My Experience: Couples often ask, well, what if the situation has happened more than once? How can I be specific and clear without sliding into a character attack? Great question! Fortunately, there is an easy solution. State, “there has been a pattern that when you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.” Make sure to give multiple behavioral examples to support your statement that there has been a pattern. Boom! Problem solved. You can do this. Another neat solution (I know, I'm a psychology geek) is to express specifically the behaviors you have noticed, and state you feel confused about what is going on. You might also state that you would like help understanding from their perspective what is happening. Let the other person explain their behaviors and feelings. Interestingly, when we avoid jumping to conclusions and jumping to character attacks, the other person is much more likely to quickly admit when they were wrong and take responsibility for their actions. Or, we might find that once we find out the details we didn't need to be upset in the first place. Another outcome is that we discover that we have different values or beliefs, and it's not that either party is "bad" or "wrong." Use XYZ Statements for Statements of Gratitude: I love, love, love using XYZ statements for gratitude and appreciation statements. It's important to be aware of the ratio of our negative communication to our positive/encouraging/grateful communication and behaviors. All of us would be wise to make sure the majority of our communication throughout the day is positive, respectful, and constructive. One way to do that is to use an XYZ statement for appreciation. Here is an example, “When you planned our date this past weekend, I felt so loved and I felt relieved I could forget my stress for a while and just have fun with you. I could really tell you put some thought and care into planning the date.” What is wonderful about the example above is that the person on the receiving end will feel really good, and he or she will know exactly why planning the date meant so much to his or her partner. The person who planned a fun date night will be much more likely to want to do it again. Compare this to how you would feel if someone said “date night was nice,” or didn't say anything at all. If you notice, "date night was nice" doesn't have quite as much of an impact, and is definitely not as meaningful. There are lots of benefits to frequent statements of appreciation and gratitude. In a culture of appreciation and gratitude, when the problems do come up (and they always will), the issues tend to feel minor, not as scary, and they feel easier to overcome. This is because when people feel appreciated for what they do, feel loved, and feel emotionally safe, it's an environment that is conducive to being willing to openly admit to mistakes, explore areas of growth, and explore ideas/solutions. Next I discuss meeting in the middle which is another way to help you nurture a positive and healthy culture. Additionally, think of meeting in the middle as the context and environment to use your XYZ statements in. Meet in the Middle:
Last Thing, For the Relationship Legacy Leaders Out There: Kids: Teach your kids the information in this blog. Be a wise teacher about it and use age appropriate language and examples that they can relate to depending on their age and the topics that matter most to them. Be aware when you are thinking or saying negative interpretations about your kids and the damage this can cause. Especially focus your energy on modeling positive XYZ statements in front of your kids, and to your kids. Kids really respond well to positive XYZ statements. The more appreciated they feel, the more they feel part of a caring family, and the more willing they will be to participate in family activities or chores. You also might find that with all the modeling you are doing, your kids start telling you positive XYZ statements of appreciation that make your heart melt! I make these recommendations because I really want everyone in your family to:
At Work: You can teach kids, or even your coworkers about the topics in here. The information in here definitely applies to the workplace. Clearer communication saves time and money. Government: For the Relationship Legacy Leaders interested in politics, have better political discussions with the information in this blog. Have you noticed that many political discussions do not get further than attacking the other party's character or personality? Do you see how this essentially puts the brakes on any constructive discussion or problem resolution? Unfortunately, in my opinion, we are ALL guilty of this (both Democrats and Republicans). It's human nature (we all do it), and we need to understand good communication skills to combat it. Find ways to communicate about specific examples, your feelings, and your values in a constructive way. Give all sides the chance to speak using a respectful tone. This doesn’t at all mean you will agree on everything (we cannot control that we have different values, beliefs, and ideas for solutions). Furthermore, we need to examine a variety of ideas to come up with the best solution. However, the clearer and more respectful we are, the more we can actually get further into a discussion and really find out the full picture. As citizens I believe it is our duty to learn how to constructively discuss political topics and especially topics we disagree on. We also need to vote for people in politics who demonstrate a commitment to constructive communication. I have the opinion that it probably wouldn’t hurt for politicians to take communication and conflict resolution training for the sake of getting more done with less unnecessary fighting, defensiveness, and escalation. Defensiveness and escalation wastes time, and hurts relationships. Communication and conflict resolution skills are incredibly important for the effective working of government. Like I say, they are not "soft skills." Healthy Family Systems: Today’s blog is also really helpful for the Relationship Legacy Leaders changing bad communication habits in families. Whole family systems can get caught in saying and believing lots of harmful assumptions about each other. Everyone individually needs to watch their own assumptions and be extra careful about adopting negative assumptions (or gossip) about other family members. I have found that the more the leaders of the family pass along negative assumptions about each other, the more unhappy and disconnected that family feels. It’s especially damaging when parents do this. Furthermore, negative interpretations erode trust. It is my opinion and firm belief that the leaders in the family, typically the older ones, the parents, or the oldest siblings, have a much greater responsibility to be careful about how they talk about other members of the family. Ideally, family leaders create an atmosphere where it’s okay to learn, to grow, to admit mistakes, and to communicate feelings and concerns in a constructive way. Family leaders will want to model constructive and clear communication, because they set the standard for their family. Children, younger members of a family, and family members with less power do not have as much choice in the habits of a family—they often have to just go along with the rules whether it’s healthy or not. Talk With a Trusted Friend: Lastly, brainstorm right now who you feel might be interested in some of the topics in here. Do you have a trusted friend or a close sibling who would love to dive into a conversation about communication? Strike up a conversation with him or her, and get their viewpoint and ideas on negative interpretations and XYZ statements. Tell him or her what you learned in this blog, or what really stood out to you. Talk about what you are thinking of implementing. Summary:
Thank You: Thank you so much for joining me here today. I enjoy being here with other Relationship Legacy Leaders. I know that if all of us work on implementing these strategies we can make a massive difference in our own lives, and in the lives of everyone around us. We do NOT have to get sucked into negativity. We CAN make good choices about our relationships, communication, and mental health. If this was helpful, please copy this link and share the blog with your social media accounts: https://tinyurl.com/y592q72u When you link to my website this helps more people find me online who are searching for the information in this blog. Thank you so much for your support. I would love to hear from you. Please comment below with any ideas or thoughts you have so we can continue this conversation. Have a wonderful rest of the day. Thanks again for visiting. All the best, Holly References Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce (3rd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. are you a couple looking for some relief from conflict? here are 8 places to start right now.3/21/2019 Download and print blog here for your convenience. Feel free to print it and share it if you think the information might help someone you know.
 Have you had a lot of arguments lately with your spouse or partner? If you have, boy, you know how exhausting it is. There is a lingering feeling of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness that has likely crept into the rest of your life (or forget crept, maybe it is now a new annoying colleague hanging out at work with you!). You are probably not sleeping well. You also know how even when you are not together with your partner you are replaying in your mind the worst things that you both said to each other… So, what do you do? There is hope and there are effective solutions. However, I have found that taking action in a certain order is important, because there are common pitfalls that couples unknowingly fall into as they are trying to repair their communication. That is part of my job as a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist—helping couples avoid potential pitfalls and also to help them out of the quicksand if they have gotten stuck somewhere. In this blog today I will focus on the very early stages of healing so you can know, with confidence, where to start first. I will give you a hint; it doesn't start with facing all of your biggest issues head on. There is some pregame work to do first. I am here to help you get some relief and to break down the growing process into manageable steps. Here Are 8 Places To Start Right Now: 1. Create realistic expectations, and focus your energy on HOW you disagree and HOW you talk to each other. Working through problems and conflict may take many conversations over several months (or even longer depending on the issue). This is especially the case if problems have backlogged. Also, please know that you are normal if you have relationship problems and arguments, because everyone does (and will for the rest of their lives). Instead of wishing to have no conflict (and feeling shame about that), a better and more realistic goal is to have healthy discussions, respectful communication, and stellar listening skills. This is even if you disagree. Actually, it's especially for when you disagree. When both parties respectfully communicate, and both parties feel heard, this actually resolves most conflict. This is what it means to focus on HOW you disagree. Also, keep in mind that there will just be areas you both are always going to disagree on or have different values on. However, we know as relationship therapists that being heard, and feeling deeply understood, resolves most issues to where both parties are content and can move on. A small number of issues actually need some sort of action plan and follow up. Something else to think about is that unrealistic expectations equals a whole lot of disappointment, and when we feel disappointed and hopeless, we make poorer decisions. It’s easy to get caught in a downward spiral. So what are your expectations? Are they pretty reasonable or do they need to be adjusted a little bit? Are you trying to solve everything in one conversation and rushing through? Are you focusing more on trying to get everything solved at once instead of focusing on HOW you are talking and listening to each other? How have your expectations made you feel, and how have your feelings impacted how you behave towards your partner? Building on the concept of better discussions and respectful conversation, I find many people believe they are being respectful, but they aren’t. Really understanding what respectful discussion is, even when we disagree, is part science, part art, and part lots of practice! Respectful communication encompasses a lot of things, but here are just a few highlights: being specific and clear, staying away from all-encompassing negative assumptions, using examples, and being a phenomenal listener. Humility, gratitude, and empathy are pretty important too. How often you discuss issues is not something to be as concerned about; instead, put your focus on the quality of your discussion. Furthermore, make sure you put the emphasis on your own communication and not your partner’s communication. Couples can move mountains when each person takes full responsibility for how they personally communicate and they stop pointing out everything the other person is doing wrong. 2. Slow down. Slow waaaaaaay down. Picture yourself moving in slow motion, because that is what your conversation needs to feel like! Couples frequently get into a trap of trying to work through too many problems at the same time. That is why each time you sit down to discuss an issue it is good to agree ahead of time on 1-2 issues to discuss (at most). When I work with couples, they are always shocked at how incredibly slow it feels to focus on 1-2 issues at a time. They really have to work hard at not skipping around (notice the pull the next time you have a discussion). The paradox is that slowing down and not rushing gets the job done, and can potentially prevent years of rehashing the same disagreement over and over again. Can you think of any conflicts in your relationship that keep popping up? Like a lot of things in life; going slowly and doing a high-quality job the first time can prevent a lot of problems. Slow down; it just might help you get unstuck and move forward faster! 3. Engage in regular self-care. Focus on consistent quality sleep and exercise. When couples are in conflict, it can be hard to do the things that help us feel good. I am giving you permission to stop arguing for a while… Maybe even for a few weeks! When we emotionally feel off balance because we haven’t been working out or sleeping, it makes it very difficult to regulate our negative emotions (anger, irritation, sadness, etc.). As top relationship researchers say, “Two of the most important skills in marriage are to be able to regulate your own negative emotions when you are upset and to be able to regulate your negative emotions when your partner is upset” (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010, p. 136). If your emotions are controlling you, it will be impossible to successfully resolve disagreements with your partner. Now, I want to clarify that it’s okay to feel these tough emotions. Those emotions are actually really helpful because they are giving you a message to work on something and it’s important to listen to our bodies. What I’m saying is that if your emotions are out of control when you talk to your partner and you end up saying hurtful things, it is more important (and a much higher priority) to take care of yourself right now than it is to communicate and attempt to work through issues. In summary, engage in regular self-care in whatever way is most helpful for you in order to address your fight-flight-freeze response. Exercise and sleep are especially beneficial in bringing yourself back to a calm state. Self-care first; then communicate when you both are calm and ready for a respectful discussion.  4. Fess up when you mess up—every time. And I mean EVERY time for the rest of your life. This is one of my favorite foundational principles about relationships because employing this strategy just works. Let me say this again. It works! Memorize this statement. Write it down and put it on your fridge. Get a tattoo of it. Every couple will hear me talk about this because it is that important. Moreover, it is essential to the success of any relationship. From my perspective, I like to prevent problems from becoming big, nasty, black holes that consume everything and suck the light out of a relationship. I find it’s much more efficient to prevent big relationship problems from happening in the first place so you can spend more of your time on the fun and enjoyable aspects of life. Taking this line of thought further is that not all conflict is going to be prevented (that is never the goal), but instead the goal is to de-escalate and address conflict at the beginning instead of letting every problem or mistake spiral out of control. You could probably see how if every problem escalated how difficult that would be. If you are a couple in conflict you might be experiencing that misery right now. So, how do you implement fess up when you mess up—every time? Here’s the good news. You have had a LOT of practice calling your partner out on all their problems; so, just switch that focus wholly on yourself! Tongue in cheek here. A little humor, I hope you are not offended, but we know it’s true right?! I find couples are often experts at constantly calling each other out, but are novices in calling themselves out. Here’s how you begin: First, try this exercise. You start by each of you committing to no longer calling each other out on the other person’s mistakes (not even one time)! Instead, every time you say something hurtful, forget something, or make a mistake, you fess up to it with your partner. Second, commit to doing this for a length of time (like a week or two). Third, notice and observe how it goes. How did it feel? Did it stop escalation? Were there more positive interactions during that week? Compare it to how you communicated in the past. If you commit to the exercise you should find that things feel so much better; almost a cooling off feeling and a sensation of ease/comfort. You feel better because you are both nurturing emotional safety, accountability, and respect for each other. Fess up when you mess up—every time, does not mean you never bring anything up (I think that it’s important for partners to keep each other accountable in a healthy way and to bring up problems), but instead it means changing the ratio. You should be calling yourself out 99% of the time and your partner needs to say something to you 1% of the time. Think you can go a whole week only calling yourself out? I hope you try, because if you do you will short-circuit escalation and stop problems at the start. Would you rather deal with a tiny leak now or with rotted out floors? Here are some examples: “Hey, I’m really sorry. I got mad really quick and I can see how my tone would not make it feel safe to talk to me right now. I am still really mad about something that happened at work and it carried over. Can I start our conversation over again?” Or, “You asked me to pick up those items from the store tonight, and I totally forgot. I am sorry; I know you needed those items. I will run to the store right now.” Another, “I was looking at my phone and not paying attention while you were talking to me. I’m really sorry because I didn’t hear what you said and I imagine it didn’t feel that great because you were talking about something really important. I’m so sorry; let’s start this again. I’m putting my phone away and on silent right now.” To get caught up, you might think of some hurtful things you said or did this last month or even this last year. Tell your partner what you did, why it was hurtful, and genuinely apologize for it. When both partners commit to this, the results are astounding! It feels like magic, but it’s not magic. What is it? It’s stopping problems before they get big. It’s creating a family culture where it is safe to make a mistake and talk about it; this is part of being a Relationship Legacy Leader that I discussed in a prior blog. It’s also creating a culture where you can feel confident that if someone hurts someone else, they will hold themselves accountable for it (and the same rules apply to everyone). Being a flawed human being becomes okay and not something to feel ashamed about. Instead, our weaknesses are areas of curiosity and growth, and an opportunity for our family to support each other in positive way. 5. Agree to stop all abusive behavior and psychologically damaging communication. Do NOT attempt to communicate if one or both of you is unable to talk in a respectful way. Take a break as soon as things begin to escalate (within a few minutes at most). If your conflict has escalated to the point of abusive behavior or language it is better to not have conflict at all and to do self-care. Commit to no more toxic interactions right now. This sounds simple, but honestly, I find that people don’t really understand or even realize when they are crossing the line into psychologically damaging communication. Physical abuse is a little clearer (but even then there can be a lot of denial), but with deep psychological harm there is so much confusion about where that line is. Additionally, if conflict has gone on for years in your relationship, hurtful communication may just be the norm now and you have acclimated to it (like the proverbial frog in boiling water). Ask yourself if you would say what you are saying to a beloved and trusted friend as a way to measure and assess your words and actions. All of us need to be aware of when we are approaching that toxic line or have crossed it. We are ALL capable of saying some very hurtful things—it's human nature. I find most all couples have crossed the line into psychologically harmful statements, and the risk of doing so is much higher during times of frequent conflict. The best thing you can do is be honest about it and work on it. As a side note, it's also helpful to be honest to your couples therapist about your conflict so that he or she can help you make a plan to feel better and work through that conflict. Actions to take: First, do an assessment of yourself. When have you crossed the line into harmful language in the past? Have you ever physically hurt someone? Has your partner hurt you physically? Second, decide on where your line is in regards to what you both expect in communication. Third, stick to your values and take a break right away if things get too heated, but make sure you come back to it at a better time. It’s much better to come back to an issue later than to say damaging things that can never be taken back or forgotten, and potentially permanently damage the foundation of your relationship. This is easier said than done. Recognize that pull you feel to continue a conversation that is not going well. Everyone experiences that feeling, but you need to practice halting harmful communication at the beginning and not after two hours! If you find that you personally cannot stop yourself from saying frequent angry, hurtful, or potentially abusive things, this is an indicator that you might benefit from individual counseling. A counselor can help you get to the bottom of why that is happening. You might have depression, anxiety, or PTSD. All of these conditions can cause irritability and can be treated. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, there is much more to consider than what I have discussed here. I am referring to couples who occasionally cross the line into toxic or harmful behaviors and communication, but are willing to change and realize that what they are doing is wrong. The best outcome is when all parties are equally invested in healing the relationship and taking responsibility for their actions. If one party does not want to stop abuse and does not want counseling, then the victim needs to seek individual counseling (and not couples counseling) because the abuser will only continue to blame and abuse the victim in couples counseling. 6. Commit to the value that hurting others and seeking revenge is never justified. Even if you have been wronged and you are 100% the hurt party. This is another one of my foundational principles when working with couples and Relationship Legacy Leaders. I talk with people about this because it is essential if you want healthy and thriving relationships. Why? A little background first. Couples love and hurt each other more than anyone else in their lives (this also can happen with best friends, co-workers, siblings, parents, or anyone who you have a close relationship with). People in close relationships hurt each other the most because they face so many of life’s challenging obstacles together, they are vulnerable with each other, and they see each other at their worst. This is part of what we sign up for when we get into a romantic relationship (or any close relationship). What is not “normal” or “healthy” is when couples get permanently caught in the trap of, "I’m hurt so I’ll hurt you back." Coinciding with that thought (conscious or not) is usually a sense of feeling justified in hurting the other party. Start being more aware and conscious when you feel this sense of justification. This is a cycle that can go on forever in a relationship. Eventually, no one can sort out who was wronged first, or who was justified in being hurt, and it’s just a slippery slope of endless damaging consequences. Hurting others because we are hurt cracks the foundation of your relationship in an instant. Furthermore, hurting someone back because we are hurt is not an effective strategy because the message is completely lost—your partner only experiences you hurting them and they never connect why you are doing it in the first place. This is a common cycle that happens with couples, and it’s very important to be aware when you might be slipping into it. We all get caught in this sometimes; the key is to quickly recognize it and address it. Then remember to fess up when you mess up. When couples commit to the value that revenge and hurting each other back is NEVER justified, it helps to short-circuit escalation and to begin the process of fess up when you mess up—every time. Deal with small leaks, not a rotted-out floor. You won't be perfect at this; the goal is to catch as many things as you can early and stop minor issues from escalating. This is easier said than done. It makes sense cognitively, but in reality, this takes a lot of practice and a lot of self-awareness when we are acting out of our hurt. Besides, there are better and much more effective ways to hold each other accountable that can help your relationship become stronger after problems, and not weaker. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about so that you can have a better idea of when you are hurting someone else out of your own hurt: Your partner made a rude statement to you, so you make one back. One afternoon your partner was not helping with the chores as much as he or she said they would, and so for the rest of the day you give your partner the silent treatment and make curt and short statements. Or, have you ever heard yourself say something along the lines of, "well, he deserved a good chewing out because of such and such?" 7. Show gratitude/appreciation for each other and state out loud all the areas you agree with.  I find that when couples are in conflict it takes a conscious effort to think about and make statements of appreciation and gratitude about their partner. After working with a lot of couples on this, I have found our brains are fairly one-track minded on the negative. There is definitely research support for the fact that negative things are much more salient than the positive ones. That is why in all communication, and especially during disagreements, it is vital that you make a conscious effort to state out loud all the things you appreciate, all the things you are grateful for, all the things you agree with, and all the things you believe are going well. This really is a highly effective strategy to cool things down, but it takes conscious effort by both parties. It also takes both parties listening and being receptive to the positive comments made by the other party (noticing when your partner is reaching out to you). The good news is that the positive is contagious and the more you point out the positives, the more the other party will see them too and discuss what they think is positive. You might consider making a statement of gratitude, or even observations of when you agree with your partner, after every few sentences during conflict talk. 8. Consider couples counseling. If you have had several weeks up continuous conflict, it’s better to go to couples counseling sooner rather than later before those problems become ginormous black holes. If they have reached black hole status, get in as quickly as you can. Hey, if you go in to counseling early, no biggie! That is actually the ideal, and it's not going to hurt you. It just means that you only require a little help to be on your way, and you won’t be in counseling for very long. However, when couples wait a long time after experiencing continuous conflict before they come in, the issues can pile up and there is more work to do. You wouldn't wait to seek treatment for cancer until it has taken over the whole body, so why would you wait until relationship problems and conflict have taken over your entire relationship? When couples wait too long to come in they run a much higher risk of the relationship ending in divorce or a break-up. Any couples counselor will tell you that too often, couples wait far too long before coming in to counseling, and more painful and agonizing break-ups would have been prevented if they would have just come in sooner. It’s always better to put healthy habits into your relationship earlier in order to help prevent major issues. Couples might even consider doing some short-term maintenance and preventative work. Did you know you could do that? This would last approximately 4 to 8 sessions. An effective approach to keeping the love alive in your relationship is to do premarital counseling, seek counseling early in your relationship (even if everything seems "fine"), and to do check-ups with a relationship therapist (like you would do with your doctor). I understand though that life gets busy, and relationship problems can sometimes sneak up on you. I also know that at certain periods in a relationship, couples can face an overwhelming amount of stressful situations, all at once, that would take their toll on any couple... Life just gets really hard sometimes. If couples counseling is something you are interested in, you can schedule your appointment with me 24/7/365 here. Summary: 1. Create realistic expectations, and focus your energy on HOW you disagree and HOW you talk to each other. 2. Slow down. Slow waaaaaaay down. Picture yourself moving in slow motion, because that is what your conversation needs to feel like! 3. Engage in regular self-care. Focus on consistent quality sleep and exercise. 4. Fess up when you mess up—every time. 5. Agree to stop all abusive behavior and psychologically damaging communication. Do NOT attempt to communicate if one or both of you is unable to talk in a respectful way. Take a break as soon as things begin to escalate (within a few minutes at most). If your conflict has escalated to the point of abusive behavior or language it is better to not have conflict at all and to do self-care. 6. Commit to the value that hurting others and seeking revenge is never justified. Even if you have been wronged and you are 100% the hurt party. 7. Show gratitude/appreciation for each other and state out loud all the areas you agree with. 8. Consider couples counseling. Conclusion: I have mentioned some powerful initial steps to think about and implement if you notice that your conflict is increasing as a couple. These steps will create an environment where you can handle conflict in a healthy way and help you to get out of your conflict rut. Hopefully you noticed a theme of addressing your negative emotions and doing self-care so that you come prepared to have a healthy and respectful discussion with your partner. You won’t regret doing your pregame work! The pregame work is essential to successfully growing from life’s challenges as a couple. You should have also noticed a theme that there is a lot that you can do to heal your relationship right now, and that starts with working on yourself... You are the only one you can change in your relationship. Every couple goes through ups and downs in their life. That is okay, there is no shame in that, and (gasp!) you are normal. Nathan (my spouse) and I disagree about things too. We are different people with different personalities, and we don’t have exactly the same ideas for solving the normal challenges in life. However, our strength is that we are both open to learning and growing from our mistakes, and we make an effort to listen and deeply understand each other. It’s okay to admit that there are some areas we could improve on with our communication, or admit there is something we need to work on individually. No one is perfect—it’s a lifelong discovery process. Enjoy learning about strategies and helpful communication tips with your partner so you can have a thriving, healthy, and fulfilling partnership for the rest of your life.  Thank you for hanging out with me today. I enjoy our journey of being Relationship Legacy Leaders together, and I hope you do too. I want this information to be incredibly helpful for you and I hope it inspired some ideas and insight. And, I want you to feel better and have more fun with your partner! There were lots of value bombs in here; so if you need to, bookmark this page so you can refer back to it again later as you are implementing these strategies. I have a favor to ask. If my message resonated with you, posting this blog on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter is greatly appreciated. Also, you can click the Facebook Like button below. If you would rather chat with me, please comment below to add to the conversation. I would love to hear from you. Or, you know what, forget about social media. Pass on what you have learned and what works for you to your kids or to the people in your life, and make this world a kinder place to be. That is what this is about. Thank you for your support. See you next Thursday! All the best, Holly References Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A
deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce (3rd ed., p. 136). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. |
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The information on this website and the blog is for informational and entertainment purposes only. I am not guaranteeing any results. Please note that the information on this website is not intended to replace or be a substitute for any professional financial, medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional or medical advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. If you follow or use the information on the blog, website, newsletter, and social media accounts, you agree that it is at your own risk and you will not hold Holly L. Harrison or MoxiePsychology, LLC liable or responsible for the outcome. MoxiePsychology Legacy is an outpatient mental health clinic and not equipped for emergency services. If you are in need of emergency mental or medical services, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. AuthorHolly L. Harrison, MA, LMFT 
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Holly L. Harrison, MA, LMFT
Relationship, Boundaries, & Communication Expert MoxiePsychology Legacy 1736 E Sunshine St, Suite 408 Springfield, MO 65804 Located inside the Plaza Towers building (4th Floor) Phone: (417) 771-5932 Email: holly@moxiepsychologylegacy.com |
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