Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Hello!

It's the holiday season, and I know you are probably feeling a little stressed. So, I wanted to share with you a light-hearted way to grow your validation muscles. This might be a strategy you could even take with you to your holiday functions and family events coming up.

Or, on a more serious note, it might even help you to be able to dive deep into an important topic with a loved one (instead of shutting down the conversation prematurely and not getting very far which is very common!). But first, holiday hours.

Holiday Business Hours:

• The week of Christmas: Closed on Tuesday, 12/24/19, and Wednesday, 12/25/19. Open regular hours on Monday and Thursday.
• The week of New Year's: Closed on Tuesday, 12/31/19, and Wednesday, 1/1/20. Open regular hours on Monday and Thursday. 
• No blog or newsletter during the week of Christmas, and the week of New Year's. 

I was inspired to do today's blog after listening to a recent podcast episode by Dr. Loretta Breuning; specifically the one called Endorphin = Laughter = Improv (1). She is someone I have highlighted in a past blog, because she has the coolest videos that explain your brain's happy chemicals in an engaging and fun way. I also like them since she gives so many practical and simple strategies you can use to boost your happy brain chemicals. See my past post here: Great Resource Alert! Ever Wanted To Understand Your Brain's Happy Chemicals Better? (2). Or, you can go straight to her website to check out her videos here (3).

In Dr. Breuning's recent podcast she explored the topic of improv with her guest on the show. The guest explained the "yes and" principle of improv. This isn't the first time I have heard about this principle, but I thought it would be fun to explore it a little bit in the context of relationships, communication, and validation. Have you heard of it before? Second City has a brief description here about it (4). 

There is also a very interesting Tedx Talk on applying "yes and" to your life to increase creative problem-solving and innovation (and the speaker is pretty funny too!) (5): 

Just to comment on the above video and apply the info to counseling, I find that when people come into counseling they often feel very stuck in their problems. People frequently spend a huge amount of focus (and time) describing their problems, but often not an equivalent amount of time exploring creative solutions and ideas (usually not even close).

What's your ratio? How much time do you spend learning, cultivating a curious mindset, trying new things, and exploring outside the box ideas? Are you happy with that ratio? Do you feel that there is room for improvement? Or do you feel pretty good about your ratio?

That's why it's so helpful to be open to trying exercises that help you to get unstuck and to deepen dialogue. We ALL need innovative thinking whether it's at work or in our personal lives, because it's a fact of life that we all have daily problems to solve!

Check out this brief video explanation and demonstration of doing a "yes and" improv exercise. See below (6):

Essentially, with "yes and" as an exercise, you ​go along with what the other person is saying, and then you add to the story to move the same story one step further. If you are doing it in an improv game, it's well... entertaining and funny! It also keeps the laugh lines and story going instead of shutting down the interactions (which would get boring quick). If you say "no" and go off on a different topic, everything would grind to a halt. Essentially, the same thing can happen in our everyday conversations too!

Now, if you are working "yes and" into your conversations (as a general strategy) to improve empathy, validation, and creativity in your communication, you might think about the following:

• ​Facing the person you are talking to (just like in the video exercise above!). 
• Good eye contact.
• Putting your phone down.
• Turning the TV off.
• Uncrossing your arms and legs.
• Doing one thing at a time (the conversation you are having!); eliminate/reduce distractions.
• Sharing an example or similar situation related to what the other person just said (this would be a "yes" from the improv game).
• Being curious and asking lots of questions.
• Noticing your tone. Is it exited? Interested? Engaged? Enthusiastic? Or is it bored? Uncaring? Dismissive?
• You might even try saying "yes!"
• No interrupting. 
• Avoiding saying "that will never work."
• Stick to one topic; be careful not to change the topic to a completely new one. 
• How might a person feel when talking to you? That you care? That you genuinely want to know more? Or that you don't care and are uninterested?
• Paraphrasing to show you understand (summarizing what the other person said without adding your opinion), and then saying "that's so interesting, tell me more about such and such."
• Piggyback off of the ideas the other person has. What's the next step? Add to the creative solutions or ideas from your own perspective. Keep the dialogue going! 

"Yes and" as a general communication mindset, or when used as an improv exercise, is a fun way to improve your validation, empathy, and creative problem solving skills.  Whatever you do, have fun with it! We can all make improvements on expanding and deepening conversations instead of shutting down ideas and dialogue at the gate.

So... Any takers on trying out the "yes and" improv exercise at a holiday event? Have you personally done improv and are familiar with "yes and?" If so, any comments or lessons learned? Please share below! I'd love to hear from you.

​Thanks for joining me today. Happy holidays!! I wish you loads of love, laughter, joy, and fun. No blog or newsletter over the next couple weeks with the holidays. Talk to you in a few weeks.

​All the best,
​Holly ​

PS-Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/happy-brain-podcast/e/66012580?autoplay=true
(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/great-resource-alert-ever-wanted-to-understand-your-brains-happy-chemicals-better
​(3)​https://innermammalinstitute.org/happypower/
(4)​https://www.secondcity.com/how-to-say-yes-and/
(5)​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1SK_qNLx5U
(6)​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe2a3ppacUk

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.

So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling.

Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:

• You are human, because every couple deals at some point with broken trust. 
• You have been deeply hurt by ongoing harmful communication patterns in the past.
• There have been boundary violations or affairs.

5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples
​
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 
This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice.  

The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:

• Am I asking many meaningful questions (out of curiosity and not to gather data just to prove my point)?
• Am I making several accurate summary statements of the speaker's point of view?

Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship.

I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. 

What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. 

Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills.

When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are.  I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past!

​2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 
Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened.  
 
A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. 

A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 
Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. 

Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." 

There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 

4. Follow up after an apology.
​Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology.

Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. 

A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.).

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process.  
Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!).  

I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. 

In summary...
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment.  

2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less.

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 

4. Follow up after an apology.

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. 

The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust?

I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below!

Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you!

Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
​(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second
(3)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively
(4)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly
(5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples
(6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation
(8)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now

Welcome!

Thanks for watching! Today's video is "outside the therapy box" which is where I like to think. I am a big picture thinker, and I love to understand how separate parts are connected. Did you know that marriage and family therapy is rooted in understanding systems?

On a different note, I am also deeply passionate about the mental health field, and how we can innovate it. You may hear more thoughts and ideas from me in the future about this!

Our world has changed... Relationships are now deeply and fundamentally intertwined with social platforms. Most of us now use social platforms every day as a way to connect with the important people in our lives! I think this is a good thing. I also think there is more we can do to leverage our communication and relationships on social platforms to make positive changes offline. 

Please watch the video to hear my idea how we can leverage Facebook for massive real world impact. And please share so Mark will hear this idea and consider making some innovative changes to Facebook! Thank you!

All the best,
​Holly
​
​PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

Hello and welcome!

​This video is for you dreamers out there who like me, want to make the world a better place through supporting mental health, valuing healthy communication, and championing thriving relationships. I share with you simple ways to start living out your values today.  

All the best,
​Holly
​
​PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

Hello. I'm so glad you are here. Hope you had a great 4th of July. No original blog or newsletter last week due to the holiday, but a brand new original blog today.

Thanks for watching! Any comments or questions? I'd love to hear them! Hope you are staying cool with the summer heat and humidity. I could really use a nice beach right now...

All the best,
​Holly
​
​PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

Hey there! I just thought I would do something a little different today and post a video for you. Enjoy!

By the way, if the video was helpful, can I ask you a favor? I am researching putting together some workshops that would be similar to what you just saw above.

Essentially, there would be a small educational component to the workshop, but most of the time you would actually be focused on how to apply the information to your own life. Additionally, since there would be others attending too, you could get feedback and support from the community. The workshop would likely be repeating (every week on the same day and time) so that you could continue to refine and hone your skills. The goal of the workshop is to provide the public with a fun and useful way to support mental health. Counseling is great (and very helpful), but I guess I'm wondering if there are other ways to support mental fitness that the public would be interested in.

Some questions:

1. What topics would be helpful for you?
2. How much would you be willing to pay for a 45 minute workshop?
3. Would you go? Would you not go?
4. Would you rather do the workshops in person or online?

Any thoughts or feedback are much appreciated! Please comment below or send me an email. Thank you :) 

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​​
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love. ​

This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 5/21/2013. A picture has been added to the post, and updates/edits have been made for clarity (1).

Photo by Rostyslav Savchyn on Unsplash

Intro:
Hey there! How are you? I'm so glad you're here today. This week I'm out of the office enjoying some family time with my sister, my brother-in-law, and their kids; it's always a treat to see them since they live in a different state! I'm grateful they made the drive here to Springfield. 

Today I am republishing one of my past blog posts because it contains a really important lesson that I go over with each couple I work with. Not only is the information helpful for couples, but for anyone who may need to discuss a concern that contains strong emotions. I personally use this too! You can even use today's blog lesson with your kids, siblings, parents, co-workers, and others to help you have clearer communication and to help you keep the defensiveness and escalation down to a minimum. Talking about big emotions can be tough, but you don't need to make it harder than it needs to be!

When "I statements" Turn Ugly:
So, how many times have you heard the mantra that we should use “I statements” in our communication? Probably a lot! We often hear the recommendation that saying “I feel___________” will fix a lot of our communication problems. However, if you've used "I feel___________" with some mixed results, you may be wondering why sometimes the statements still lead to escalation, frustration, anger, and communication confusion. Today's blog is about helping you use the structure correctly, and how to avoid potential pitfalls. Let's prevent your I statements from turning ugly! 

I statements definitely are very helpful when communicating, but there are some important nuances to remember when you use them. To demonstrate what I mean, I will give you two examples to compare and contrast.
​
Example 1: “When you raised your voice at me when we were at your parents’ house last night I felt hurt, upset, and embarrassed.”

Example 2: “Last night at your parents’ house, I felt you were trying to make a fool out of me and were out to prove how much more you know than I do. I feel that this is just another example of why you do not care about me.” 

Okay… Which one would you rather hear from your partner? Which example seems a little fairer and more specific? Probably example one! Also, if you were the one hearing example two said to you, you are probably feeling a little defensive (or maybe quite a bit). Why is this?

People tend to tack on assumptions, or character attacks, onto the end of their I statements (“out to prove how much more you know than I do,” or “you do not care about me”). When this happens, your I statements quickly turn ugly. These negative assumptions convey a person is 100% bad, all the time. Essentially they convey the person has a serious character defect (which is shaming and blaming) instead of there being a specific behavior, or pattern of behaviors, that are a concern (and an opportunity for growth and discussion). Negative assumptions/character attacks also convey that you know exactly why the person did what they did which tends to escalate disagreements almost instantly. 

The reason why I statements are recommended in the first place is because used properly, they stick purely to your emotional reaction and they steer clear from making our own interpretation or spin on what happened. In some cases, maybe you partner was making fun of you in the moment, but it does not necessarily mean he or she does not care about you. Delving deeper into this example, it's important to focus on the joke that was said, the tone of voice that was used, and how you felt after you heard the joke. The focus is on specific external observations and specific internal feeling reactions. 

Things to remember when using I statements: 
1. Avoid using “it made me feel” or "you made me feel." This conveys that the other person was trying to make you feel a certain way and can lead to defensiveness in the person hearing the statement. Just say "I feel ____________" or "I felt___________."

2. Stick to simple emotions after using “I feel.” Here are some examples of emotions: hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, happy, confused, embarrassed, panic, surprised, guilt, shame, hope, bored, scared etc.

3. Keep the negative assumptions, or character attacks, out of your conversation because it's not fair to the listener, it's not constructive feedback, and you could be veering into the territory of saying things to tear the other person down to make yourself feel better. Let the other person come forward and explain their actions. Ask questions instead of assuming.

4. During the overall discussion you are having, it helps to make a habit of sprinkling in what you appreciate and what has been especially meaningful to you in the past (in relation to the topic you are discussing). Why? It helps you both to see the bigger picture of the importance of your relationship as a whole. This will help keep defensiveness down, and you both will feel like you are having a helpful discussion instead of a fight.

In summary:
I statements work best when people stick to stating how they feel, stating the specific behavioral observations (what was said or done), what their concerns are, and what they would like to see happen differently in the future (using specific examples). Sprinkle in some genuine statements of gratitude and appreciation that directly relate to the topic at hand. Then after this, allow your partner to come forward and explain what they did, why they did it, and to apologize. Ask questions to get clarification on assumptions you have.

Using I statements effectively in your communication can be one of many tools that you can use to make your communication better. By effectively using I statements, your communication will be much fairer, clear to the listener, and you will be more likely to come to a successful resolution. 

After reading today's blog, have you ever been guilty of using the ugly I statement? Can you think of a time when someone has said an ugly I statement to you? Can you make a commitment to working on this and adding this into your Forever Homework habits (2)? Comment below!

Thanks for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter or Facebook. Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​​
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1) https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly
(2) ​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples

Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love. ​

Photo by Pedro da Silva on Unsplash

​I love to talk with couples about their Forever Homework. These are important life-long relationship habits that keep the couple strong over the long-haul. Sort of like regular exercise for your relationship in order to keep your relationship muscles strong and resilient.

Here's the thing... couples counseling won't save your relationship because it's a short term event. You know what does heal a relationship and keep it strong over the long-term? It's the key relationship habits you put in place that you do forever; your Forever Homework.

I have a few ideas for you to explore and mentally munch on ("carrots, anyone?"). This list is by no means all-encompassing, and every couple has different needs. The purpose of today's blog is to inspire you with one or two ideas that you really like so that you start doing them right now, and for the rest of your life. 

I'm a big believer that making small changes can lead to an entirely different outcome. I remember in my marriage and family therapy graduate program learning about the example of an airplane that has shifted it's direction by only a degree. Shifting an airplane's direction by a single degree completely changes where that airplane ends up! I don't know the original source on that analogy; I want you to know it's not my original idea. It is a brilliant example though that I've never forgotten. If I come across the original source I will update the blog. So, just try one new thing and see where you end up over the years!

Before I share my recommendations, let’s set the stage. You might think about the core 3 to 6 habits that really keep your relationship the strongest and healthiest. What are they? Can you name them or list them out? What would your partner say they are, and are they all the same or are some of them different? If you feel there is some room for improvement, what do you believe are the one or two habits you could implement that would have the most impact? Have you ever had a conversation about the core habits that keep you and your partner close and connected? If not, when can you have that conversation? Are there certain values you have that guide the habits you want in place? 

It's okay to try different habits to see what benefits your relationship the most (go ahead, experiment like a mad scientist! Buwahahaha!!!). This is so you can come up with your own formula for your Forever Homework as a couple. The core habits for each couple will be different, and I believe you as a couple know yourselves the best. Have fun making your own unique recipe that keeps your relationship the healthiest and most resilient! 

Forever Homework Ideas:
Every day keep an eye on the ratio of positive to negative interactions. Make it 5 to 1. 

• Research by John Gottman shows that you need a balance of 5 positive interactions to each 1 negative interaction to keep your relationship healthy and to prevent divorce (1). See the super cool video below which explores how to keep your emotional bank account in balance and not overdrawn (1):

•  Some questions to think about after watching the video: How many positive acts do you do for your partner in comparison to each hurtful behavior? Are you happy with the ratio or is there room for improvement?
• Couples who are happy do daily little things that are kind, considerate, and thoughtful because it's the right thing to do (they don't wait to do something nice until the other person does it first).
• Couples who are the happiest do positive and healing behaviors even when there are problems in the relationship and even when they disagree with each other, and that is where the challenge is. Challenge yourself to do little nice things, especially when you are upset and angry with your partner. And do it every time you are upset with each other. Just see what happens!
• The goal is not to be perfect; there will always be stressful situations that hijack your ratio. The goal is to notice each time when the positive interactions are dipping consistently low due to stressful situations, and then focus on bringing it back up again.

Be aware of the fundamental attribution error and it's impact on your relationship.

• ​Check out the video below for a visual explanation of the fundamental attribution error (2). This is essentially when we interpret other people's bad choices as something to do with them internally (a consistent personality characteristic or flaw), but when we make a bad choice we tend to interpret why we did it on external events that made us do it. We tend to jump to internal explanations for other people's behaviors and external explanations for ourselves.

• I want you to think for a moment... How might the fundamental attribution error play out with a couple? Where might it lead to problems? Do you tend to view your partner's bad choices based on stable traits, but your own mistakes on circumstances outside your control (maybe you blamed what you did on your partner)? ​Have you ever become very condescending and mean when your partner made a mistake (because it's their "nature"), but then when you made a mistake you expect understanding and compassion because it's due to external circumstances?
• Well, due to the unique nature of long-term romantic relationships, you inevitably see each other make some pretty bad choices and major mistakes, as well as small mistakes every day (we ALL fall in this category; I'm including myself here). Can you guess where I'm going with this? Since we will all see our partners making bad choices, we are left with a decision. Do we decide it's part of their nature? Or do we instead to first look for the external circumstances at play? Do we constantly excuse ourselves when we make mistakes, but then jump down our partner's throats each time they are not perfect?
• In my experience, couples who consistently view the other person as having steady internal reasons for their decisions and choices are pretty unhappy overall. 
• Using the fundamental attribution error too much makes couples unhappy because if the issues are always due to stable personality traits, then the couple doesn't attempt to try constructive solutions to solve the problem. They think, what's the point in trying if the problem is just the way your partner is? When this happens repeatedly, the issues and problems pile up.
• More questions to get you thinking: How do you react when someone labels you as just being a certain way? How does that immediately make you feel? Do you like it? Does that make you want to work together with the other person? Does that escalate the conversation? Can you work on watching your assumptions (both said out loud and inside your head)?
• Positive ways to move forward now you are aware of the fundamental attribution error: 1. Instead of blaming problems on your partner's internal traits (which can't be solved), first ask questions to understand what external events where happening and clarify your misunderstandings. 2. After you did not jump to conclusions, demonstrate compassion and understanding when mistakes are made. Treat your partner how you would want to be treated if you had made a mistake. 3. Brainstorm specific behavioral solutions together and follow the plan. 

It's HOW you say what you say that matters. Not WHAT the problem is, that you disagree, or even how big the problem is. HOW you say what you say should be a focus. 

• There will always be topics to work on and problems that need to be discussed and planned for regularly. This is the nature of a long-term relationship, and it's out of your control. There are issues daily and weekly that need your attention, and that's totally normal.
• The absence of problems is never the goal as a couple, and is never the goal in couples counseling. The goal is to communicate with respect for the other person, even when you disagree. This is actually pretty hard! We are not born with this ability. It takes continuous practice like anything else--​think of learning a sport or how to play an instrument. If you know how to play an instrument, did you just wake up one day knowing how to play it? No, it took lots and lots of practice!
• HOW you communicate matters a whole lot, and WHAT the problem is, actually doesn't matter as much. This is because how you communicate with someone else determines whether the problem is worked through to the point where you both feel okay about it... or not at all (goes into the pile of unresolved issues).
• In my experience, I have seen couples overcome some pretty big issues in their marriage (such as an affair), but this occurs only when they can both focus on communicating respectfully and each working hard to do their part. 
• Not so great communication: Yelling, saying put-downs, harassing the other person, laughing at the other person, gossiping about your partner, using a condescending tone, making a joke at the expense of your partner, etc. This stops your conversation at the start and immediately stops a successful discussion of the issues.
• Great communication: Asking questions, not making assumptions, using a calm tone of voice, using specific behavioral examples, coming up with win-win solutions, etc. 

​
If it's important to one of you, it's important to both of you (even if you don't care about it too much or you personally are not really worried about it!).

• My rule that I like to have couples follow is if your partner is worried about something, and you are not, to always show validation and listen. Again, easier said than done (a lot falls into that bucket!).
• I recommend you follow this rule because inevitably the roles will be reversed down the road, and when you are in the position that something is important to you, you would want your partner to listen, right? That is why you do the same for them. 
• I've noticed there is almost this internal comparison that happens sometimes with couples. One person will have a concern, and the other person might think, "well, it's not a big deal to me, and we are not at the same level of concern, so it's not important and my partner is overreacting." Just be aware of this dynamic so you can make sure to consistently show support for your partner even when your level of concern is different than your partner's.  

​
Fess up when you mess up—every time (for the rest of your life). 

• Nip problems in the bud while they are small. Many small problems in relationships explode into major catastrophes simply because people do not acknowledge their part the moment it happens or shortly thereafter. In comparison to when someone quickly and honestly acknowledges their mistake, the transgression almost ends up forgotten with no lingering emotional baggage (as long as it was not a major violation). 
• This means holding yourself accountable every time you hurt someone. Never wait for someone to call you out on it; just because someone didn't say anything doesn't mean they didn't notice and it didn't impact the relationship. 
• How do you know when you've messed up? When you've raised your voice, said a put-down, made a false negative assumption about your partner, when you didn't do something you said you were going to do, slammed a door, not been engaged in conversation when your partner was talking to you, etc.
• It's perfectly okay if you don't know how to fix the problem yet, but the starting place for growth and healing is recognizing your part. 
• Only take responsibility for exactly your part, and stop there. Make holding yourself accountable as accurate as possible (don't over or under take responsibility for your actions). 

​
Ask yourself “Am I a good person to talk to right now?” (3)

• Click the link above for a full article I wrote on the topic.
• This is an important habit to implement forever because when you ask yourself this question, you are essentially doing a quick self-check on your own mental state.
• Make a conscious choice to show up to conversations when you are clear-headed versus emotionally reacting and saying things you can’t take back. Many relationships end or are permanently damaged by one or two attacking, mean, and hateful statements that are never apologized for.

 
Hurting others is not justified just because we are hurt. 

• I explored this concept in this blog here at #6 (4). 
• The key takeaway is to notice when you are saying comments or doing behaviors solely based on your hurt, and then feeling justified in hurting others. I'm not at all saying that when your partner does something wrong it's okay (because it isn't okay and it should be discussed). I'm saying taking the high road. You have a choice. 
• Hurting others because we are hurt is never a successful strategy with couples, but couples often get sucked into the cycle. You probably will at some point in your relationship get swept up by it. That's okay, just notice it, apologize for what you need to, and change your behaviors. 

Keep the fun alive in your relationship.

• This is easy at the beginning of a relationship and becomes more challenging as a relationship progresses over the years due to the novelty wearing off and more obligations and responsibilities creeping in.
• Couples usually find that the longer they are together, the more important it is to schedule in time for fun (I know, it's not as romantic, but who said things never changed in life?!). 
• Fun time is sacred time! Keep fun time special and don't discuss problems during this time. None at all! Don't spoil the fun.
• Do little things every day that make each other laugh. Go ahead, share those funny memes and YouTube cat videos with each other.

Forever Homework Summary:

1. Every day keep an eye on the ratio of positive to negative interactions. Make it 5 to 1.  
2. Be aware of the fundamental attribution error and it's impact on your relationship.
3. It's HOW you say what you say that matters. Not WHAT the problem is, that you disagree, or even how big the problem is. HOW you say what you say should be the focus. 
4. If it's important to one of you, it's important to both of you (even if you don't care about it too much or you personally are not really worried about it!). 
5. Fess up when you mess up--every time (for the rest of your life).
6. Ask yourself, "Am I a good person to talk to right now?"
7. Hurting others is not justified because we are hurt. 
8. Keep the fun alive in your relationship.

Thank you for joining me today and letting me give you some mental carrots to munch on. I'm so glad you are here. I hope one of the Forever Homework items inspired you, and you have decided to incorporate it into your life. I can't wait for you to see the long-term benefits from your daily habits!

​For you Relationship Legacy Leaders out there, start doing these habits with your friends, co-workers, and your kids (5)! Share with the people around you what you have learned; teaching is a great way to connect with others and it helps you to remember the new information you have learned.

If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. Talk to you next week. 

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​

PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

​References and Links
(1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHN2EKd9tuE&t=27s
(2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8IcYSrcaaA
(3) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(4)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now
​(5) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader

Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love. 

This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 9/11/2013. Pictures have been added to the post, clearer titles have been included, and minor edits have been made for clarity (1).

​Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash

​There is one phrase I tell all of my clients to memorize who are coming in for relationship work because it is so important:

“Am I a good person to talk to right now?”

I love this phrase because it neatly sums up so much in one sentence! The message here is that no one is good to talk to all of the time. This is okay and it just means you are normal. Also, it is okay that you get hungry, lonely, sad, sick, angry, and just plain worn out sometimes. You might even be a mix of all of the above! The key is to recognize your own emotional and physical state to make a determination of your readiness for conversation and interaction.

Those with effective communication habits already have made a habit of doing an internal check on a regular basis, and especially before every important conversation they have at home or at work. They may not outright say to themselves, “Am I a good person to talk to right now?” but they do some form of assessment. 

The effects of not doing an internal self-check can be devastating on a relationship. When that self-check is not done, your communication can potentially be fueled from negative emotions such as anger, fear, jealousy, and sadness. So, what is the typical reaction to conversation fueled by negative emotions? Potentially more harmful emotion based conversation hurled right back at you from the listener that continues to escalate on both sides. Hurtful and demeaning communication habits can lead to distance in a relationship, broken trust, and possibly even a relationship ending.

​Remember—you are completely normal for wanting to say some negative statements based on your emotions at times; the only part you can change is recognizing when your emotions are getting the best of you and removing yourself from the situation. 

​Photo by CMDR Shane on Unsplash

​1. When first practicing this self-check, pick out routine times to assess yourself. Maybe try breakfast, lunch, dinner, and right before bedtime. This will give you the opportunity to start to figure out your best, okay, and worst times to communicate on a general basis.

2. Do a self-check whenever you begin to have strong negative emotions, and regularly throughout the wave of the emotions until you are back to your typical emotional state.

3. Remove yourself from any conversation and wait to respond to a text, email, phone message, etc. until you have cooled off and had some time to more objectively view the situation. For example, waiting a day or even two days can be very helpful. A good night's rest can do wonders. 

4. If you find that during the majority of your day you are irritable, angry, sad, frustrated, etc. and not a good person to talk to, then this is an indicator that you might need some extra support in processing and working through your own emotions. Or maybe you are reeling after a bunch of stressful events that happened all at once, and you need some time and additional self-care. Either way, it is vitally important to the success of your relationship that you recognize when you are utilizing conversation fueled by negative emotion, or healthy, constructive, and fair communication.

​Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

​Work on setting your conversations up for success! Practice incorporating an internal self-check several times throughout your day until you have created an automatic habit. ​I definitely am realistic in that there is usually never a perfect time to communicate about important topics; however, I do believe there are BETTER times to do so. 

The majority of the work in healthy communication involves just recognizing your own internal state and then responding back appropriately when you have cooled off and had some time to recognize the really important issues versus the not as important ones.  Really, this is most of the battle. When two people are cognizant of their internal states and communicate when it is a better time for both of them—​it is amazing to see the progress and effectiveness soar!

Thank you for joining me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. 

Talk to you next week. 

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​

PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have links to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added. The email newsletter is currently being worked on, and once it's ready I'll start sending it out. Thanks for your patience!

References and Links
​(1) ​https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now

​Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love.

​Photo by Lukasz Szmigiel on Unsplash

All couples get a little “off track” and disconnected sometimes. Today’s blog discusses some things to remember about life when you feel a little out of your relationship groove. Additionally, we will explore a neat analogy to help you understand the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. Keep reading to grow your self-awareness and relationship muscles. 

Feeling “off” as a couple? Do you relate to any of these?
Hey you there. Yes, I’m talking to you. I see you and your partner struggling after you both spent the last two years caring for an aging parent who just passed away, and you are both physically, mentally, and relationally spent.

I see you as well… The couple who has three small children (all under the age of 5). You both feel your hearts and household are overflowing with love, sticky fingers, and deep belly laughs, but you are both feeling disconnected from each other.

I see you too… The professional couple that had to make years of sacrifices for your careers in order to move to the next level (12 to 16-hour days for many years between college, graduate school, and the years of training after graduating) so that you can finally earn an income and pay those huge student loans. You are now stable financially, but your relationship has taken a big hit.

And I see you over there too… The couple who has been married for three years and all of the newness and sparkle has worn off. All the things that first attracted you to each other are now starting to drive you crazy, and seems to be the cause of most arguments (“why does he have to have an obsession with model building, it’s taking up the entire house!”).

Photo by Andrew Ridley on Unsplash

​​Some life rules to remember when you are feeling stressed out and disconnected from your partner:
Rule 1: Life is really freaking hard sometimes.
Life is beautiful, wonderful, mysterious, amazing, and also really freaking hard sometimes. And sometimes the really freaking hard parts happen for years… Tough sacrifices might have to be made. It can be an honor to take care of a beloved ill parent who was always so good to you, but also extremely taxing (on many levels) and emotionally very difficult.

Another example (maybe a little taboo to discuss), is that it is simply amazing to take care of babies and small children, and to love like you have never known it before, but caring for small children is also extremely stressful for parents on many levels. It’s hard for couples because they haven’t slept in 5 years and most of the love making occurred while creating the babies, but not much has been happening since. The kids might be thriving, but the relationship with your partner has withered and changed a little bit.

Rule 2: Every couple goes through stressful times. Everyone does (no matter what their Facebook page says).
Every couple has stressful times. There is nothing wrong with you or your partner as human beings. You are both beautiful, whole, wonderful, and amazing just as you are. Experiencing stressful events is not in any way a comment on your character or who you are as a person. 

Couples face a lot of problems and challenges together (potentially thousands of issues). Usually they face more problems together and have more ups and downs than with any other person in their lives. Don't beat yourself up; spend that energy taking care of yourself (and each other) instead.

Rule 3: View stressful situations as a separate entity. 
What’s really important here is that you completely separate the life challenges from your relationship as a whole; you want to look at the tough times as a completely separate entity. Couples often conflate their relationship and their problems. If this goes on too long each individual can believe their partner is the problem instead of feeling like they are a team facing the problem together. Can you sense the difference? Couples who are struggling more tend to see each other as the problem; whereas couples who are more resilient see themselves on a team combating their struggles together.

Rule 4: No one is immune to having to do the bare necessities to survive and get by sometimes.
Everyone has to prioritize the more important things sometimes (as it should be). Sometimes because of things that happen in life you don’t have time to make home cooked meals every night, the house is disorganized, you haven’t had time to connect with your partner, and you have not had the chance to get a good workout in for at least a couple months.

I think having a newborn is a good example of forcing you to let go of things that just aren’t as important as loving the new family member and taking care of the baby’s needs. I think back to my experience of having a newborn. Before having a baby, I took for granted having time to take a shower, prepare a balanced and healthy meal, sleep for 8 hours straight, work out regularly, and clean my house when I wanted to. 

Having a newborn baby is a magical and wonderful time, but also tough too. It’s universal that all parents have to let go of some other things in order to make room for a new person in their family. It’s also pretty common for couples to have more arguments after a baby is born. This is common because stress levels have suddenly rocketed up—just remember it doesn’t mean anything is necessarily wrong with your relationship. It’s normal for couples to argue more during times of increased stress (and sleep deprivation), and it does not mean there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship or that you won’t get through it.

​Final thoughts on the life rules:
Can you think of a time you prioritized something important (a newborn, a new job, starting graduate school, taking care of an ill parent, etc.) and you chose to focus on that, and you had to let go of some other things in your life? Did you have to make some sacrifices for that priority which included less time with your partner?

Photo by Luciano Fagner on Unsplash

​Traveling through the forest on a twisting and paved path analogy.
Your relationship with your partner is like traveling through a forest together on a twisting and paved path. The forest represents life and all the experiences you have together and separately. In this forest there is a twisting and paved path that cuts all the way through it (from the beginning of your relationship to the end). Walking on this path together represents when you and your partner are able to meet your relationship ideals, values, and goals. While on the path you both feel pretty satisfied overall with your relationship together; there may be some bumps but they are handled well.

Can you imagine this with me? Picture a beautiful forest. Is it Spring or Fall? Sunrise, the middle of the day, or sunset? Are you holding hands while you walk on the path with your partner? Do you see any animals on your journey? Maybe it's sunset and you see pretty blinking fireflies...

Going off the paved path represents when you are being pulled to take care of other things in your life away from your partner. Sometimes it’s just a little way off the path. “Hey, I found a cool looking walking stick, but I’m back now!” Other times you might be in survival mode and you have to take care of important priorities. This life event might take you pretty far off of the path. Sometimes you might be so deep in the forest that you cannot even see the path anymore, and you aren’t completely sure of the way back…

Photo by Teddy Kelley on Unsplash

​Sometimes you and your partner are traveling far off of the path together. A good example is when a couple starts having children. Both people may not be able to do everything they would like together (go on dates, have a lot of free time together, etc.); however, they are both working together out in the forest.

Sometimes one partner feels on the path, and pretty good about the relationship, but the other person is out in the forest somewhere. Maybe one person has a lot of professional requirements for his or her field of work that takes them away from home a lot. Or, maybe one person is feeling satisfied with the relationship, but the other isn’t.

As you can picture, life events (both happy and stressful ones) will continuously tug at the couple walking on the path. This is normal. Sometimes the couple is experiencing a lot of happiness, satisfaction, and connection, but sometimes the couple has to attend to other important priorities. There is always a shifting, moving, and growing sensation. You are walking on a path because things never stay the same in life; you are never still in your relationship with your partner. Life is always changing.

As a couple, the goal isn’t to perfectly stay on the path. That just isn’t realistic. What is realistic and healthy is to notice when things take you off the path. Just observe and be curious. Were you able to feel back on track and get back to a level of connection that you both feel happy with? Or do you still feel like you are deep out in the forest alone? Were you okay being off the path for a little bit, but now it's been too long and you feel you need to do something to reconnect with your partner?

Being off of the path by itself isn't negative or “bad.” In fact, sometimes sacrifices are made that are important—they might even be important for the overall health of your relationship or even your extended family.

Something else to think about is that relationships change over the years. At the beginning of a relationship a couple may feel like most of the time they are on that paved and twisty path together. They may even feel euphoric, and stressful events feel pretty insignificant since they don't have many shared responsibilities together.

​As the newness wears off, as their differences are starting to annoy each other, and as they have to face more life challenges, the couple needs to find a way to still feel connected. As the years go by, the couple may find that life takes them off the path for many reasons, but a couple who has a healthier and stronger relationship keeps finding ways to get back on that path and reconnect. It's the habit of getting back on the path and reconnecting that's more important than the number of challenges or problems the couple faces. 

We can even use this path analogy for when one or both partners feel they have lost track of the path completely. This can happen to every couple; especially when stressful events hit the couple back to back. It’s again important to observe and be curious, and know that you can get back on track! If you are feeling pretty far off the path (maybe farther than you have ever been and you are worried you just stumbled upon a bear den); it’s good to take note of it and start to try different things to reconnect with your partner.

Couples counseling when couples are lost out in the woods.
Couples counseling may be helpful for couples having trouble getting back on the path who have tried different solutions, but they are finding that nothing is helping significantly. Any couples counselor will tell you that couples usually wait too long before coming in, and run a greater risk for breaking up because they waited until relationship problems consumed their relationship like a cancer that has completely taken over the body.

If you notice that you are out deep in the forest and struggling to find your way back; don't wait too long to try various solutions. These solutions might be reading a relationship book together, taking a couples communication class, talking with trusted friends who have a thriving partnership together, going on dates, taking time alone to recharge, or even going to couples counseling. Couples counseling is a service I offer at my office. Click here for a past blog of mine that shares what to expect in couples counseling at MoxiePsychology Legacy (1).

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

​​Questions to think about to increase your self-awareness and grow your relationship muscles ("looking good... have you been working out?"):

1. Now that you are familiar with the forest and the path analogy, where do you think you and your partner are in the forest right now? 
2. How has your relationship shifted, changed, and grown throughout your time together?
3. What were you and your partner saying, doing, and valuing when you were the most satisfied in your relationship and firmly on the paved path?
4. Think of a time when you and your partner were way off the path, in the dark, and feeling pretty disconnected, but you were able to find your way back to the path. What did you do? What helped you the most?
5. What tends to get you and your partner most off track and lost in the forest?
6. Now that you know that there is a natural ebb and flow to your journey through the forest, how can you be more patient with yourself and your partner as you face challenges in life? How can you work on accepting the ebb and flow, and focus instead on reconnecting each time life throws a monkey wrench?​

Photo by Luca Bravo on Unsplash

In summary, be kind to yourself and your partner as life throws everything it can to try to knock you off track. Get back up, try again, and reconnect each time you get a little off the path. Find little ways and big ways to stay connected with your partner as you adventure through the forest. I'm rooting for you!

Thank you for joining me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. 

Talk to you next week. 

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison ​

PS Can I send you an email about once a month? The email will have links to my latest blog posts in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added. 

References and Links
(1) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/im-new-to-counseling-and-confused-where-to-start-what-to-expect-in-couples-counseling-at-moxiepsychology-legacy