Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Hi Lega-Leaders (Relationship Legacy Leaders) (1)! Hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day holiday weekend. I went swimming on Labor Day with my husband (Nathan) and daughter (Alex) at Moonshine Beach on Table Rock Lake by Branson, Missouri. That was the first time we had all been to Moonshine Beach, and it was a nice swimming beach. I would definitely go again. There isn't a lot of shade, so the next time we go I think we'll bring something to sit under to protect us from the sun (I'm one of those people who manages to get sunburned even with sunblock, and then I turn back to pale again!). Alex, who is 4 years old, especially enjoyed scooping up wet sand with her shovel and pouring it down her Dad's back! She got a good laugh out of this; it was a good trip.

So, today I want to talk a little bit about rebuilding trust. This is a common topic that comes up in the context of couples counseling, which is something I specialize in at my practice. I might even go so far as to say that every couple who comes in has some form of trust that needs to be repaired, either big or small. That is why rebuilding trust is definitely an important goal in couples counseling.

Below I will share with you 5 tips for rebuilding trust. This will be especially helpful if:

• You are human, because every couple deals at some point with broken trust. 
• You have been deeply hurt by ongoing harmful communication patterns in the past.
• There have been boundary violations or affairs.

5 Rebuilding Trust Tips for Couples
​
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment. 
This means both parties deeply listening to the other person's perspective in a calm fashion. Ask questions and maintain an attitude of curiosity instead of defensiveness. Practice suspending your judgment and immediate emotional reaction, and listen for 15 minutes. Take turns. This may not seem like very long, but in reality, I find you really have to work hard at doing it well. One of those easier said than done scenarios, because it actually takes focused effort and practice.  

The speaker always can tell if you are listening well (or not). How? Ask yourself these questions when listening:

• Am I asking many meaningful questions (out of curiosity and not to gather data just to prove my point)?
• Am I making several accurate summary statements of the speaker's point of view?

Listening does not mean you agree with everything your partner says, and agreeing on everything is not the goal. Listening well means you understand the other person's perspective, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You will agree with some parts, but disagree with others. You will likely have to push yourself to keep listening when you hit one of those areas of strong disagreement. There will even be areas you may always disagree on; that is okay and you can actually still have a good relationship.

I have done other blogs on the topic of good communication skills (Say it second (2), How to use I statements effectively (3), When "I statements" turn ugly (4), Forever homework for couples (5), Am I a good person to talk to right now? (6), How couples can communicate clearly to prevent defensiveness and escalation (7), and Are you couple looking for some relief from conflict? Here are 8 places to start right now (8)), but the emphasis with this first tip is not on the ins and outs of good listening. For more on the ins and outs please refer to the above blogs. 

What I am getting at here today, is that listening deeply and communicating respectfully is an outward (and present moment) expression that this relationship is safe and that your partner matters. Emotional safety is a fundamental component for trust to even begin to be rebuilt. Emotional safety is also essential for a thriving relationship if that is what you want. And like most things in life, if you want something, it takes work, effort, and learning from repeated mistakes. 

Even if there are lots of problems, even if there has been an affair, even if you are realizing that in your past you have communicated in a way that was hurtful, even if you see things differently, you can start building back trust RIGHT NOW just by using great listening skills.

When listening is done well, it is healing and freeing (even if there are still areas of disagreement). It's also the only way to discover where there are places to take action, where the areas are that you can change, where you can compromise, and where the win-win scenarios are.  I'd also like to add that in my experience when listening is done well, people find that they actually agree on way more than they ever thought was possible in the past!

​2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less. 
Fully and completely explain how what you did was hurtful, and elaborate on the consequences of your behavior (how your partner felt and the negative impact on the relationship). This is why step 1 is well, step 1! You can't possibly summarize your partner's pain with any accuracy if you haven't listened first. You also can't discover where you do agree with your partner on your personal mistakes if you haven't listened.  
 
A good rule of thumb is: you are responsible for your own actions. If you yelled, that is your responsibility. If you cheated, that is your responsibility. If you lied, that is your responsibility. If you failed to do something you said you would do, that is your responsibility. There of course are reasons, problems, weaknesses, personal struggles, bad luck, patterns learned from childhood, bad habits, etc. that may have led to the hurtful action (and will need to be discussed and explored). However, it is still your responsibility. 

A common pitfall that couples get into is saying I only did this, because my partner did that. For example, "I only yelled because my partner was being stupid." I recommend being watchful for this pitfall. It's a common habit that many couples do, and it is not an effective strategy for working through issues because the blame is always on someone else. If you yelled, that's on you. And if your partner did something that was not a good choice, that is on them. 

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 
Apologize for the area (or areas) you have determined are your responsibility. Just take responsibility for your part only (not too little, not too much, just your part). When both parties accept their part fairly, that is when the magic and deep healing happens in relationships. Sometimes people need a little help with this, and sometimes this is where a couples counselor is helpful in giving objective feedback on where each person's responsibility is. 

Make sure you apologize clearly for your actions. For example, "I'm sorry I lied to you. It was wrong. It broke your trust in me." You wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I only did it because you..." 

There is a time for an explanation of your behavior, but right after "I'm sorry" is usually a very bad time because to the listener it feels like a justification (and who knows, you may even be trying to rationalize your behavior!). An explanation of your behavior right after an apology usually will not have the effect you want, and it usually leads to decreased trust. 

4. Follow up after an apology.
​Check-in after you have done an apology. If you really want to grow trust in your relationship, do a follow up! If a moderate problem has occurred or a breach of trust has happened, the person dealing with the emotional pain of the problem is likely still processing the hurt. This is even after great listening, an effective description and deep understanding of the effects of the betrayal, and a good apology.

Follow ups show you care, and they also demonstrate validation and acknowledgment of the lingering pain that hurtful actions can have. It's also a tremendous way to demonstrate you are putting aside your own ego. 

A follow up can be as simple as just asking how that person is doing today with whatever the issue is and listening for 5 to 10 minutes. Or you could comment that you see that the other person is having a rough day today in emotionally processing the hurt and you could ask if there is anything you can do right now that would help (a hug, listen, go for a walk, watch a movie, etc.).

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process.  
Make a focused effort on changing the hurtful behavior. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done! It's not about perfection, it's about being open to learning, growing, and consistently taking responsibility for your actions when you inevitably make a mistake (we all make mistakes!).  

I tell couples that I work with that the process of rebuilding trust almost always extends beyond our work together. Feeling more and more safe and connected takes time. However, you can know if you are on the right track! That is through regularly engaging in behaviors such as the ones listed in today's blog. 

In summary...
1. Start by listening to each other. I mean really listening. This is a way to rebuild trust in the present moment.  

2. Accurately, fully, and in detail summarize your part in harming your partner and the consequences of it. Don't skimp on the detail! Err on the side of more explanation rather than less.

3. Apologize clearly and without any justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. In other words, don't tack on any reasoning for your errors. 

4. Follow up after an apology.

5. Make a consistent effort to work on and change your behavior. Trust is rebuilt through repeated positive interactions over time. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process. 

The ideas above are not a comprehensive list, but there to hopefully get your brain thinking of some real steps you can take. What can you do over the next week to work on rebuilding trust?

I'd really love to hear from the Lega-Leaders out there. What are some of your favorite ways to rebuild trust? Any pitfalls you have learned to avoid? Please comment below!

Thank you for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below. Also, if you enjoy these posts, please consider sharing this blog post on your social media account. This is a very kind (and much appreciated) way to show your support for my work, to reach more people who may benefit from my blogs, and to help my business grow so I can continue to help people with their relationships and communication. Here is the URL for today's blog: https://tinyurl.com/y3g5ync9 if you'd like to share. Thank you!

Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/5-easy-ways-to-start-being-a-relationship-legacy-leader-right-now
​(2)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/say-it-second
(3)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-to-use-i-statements-effectively
(4)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/when-i-statements-turn-ugly
(5)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/forever-homework-for-couples
(6)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/am-i-a-good-person-to-talk-to-right-now
(7)https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/how-couples-can-communicate-clearly-during-disagreements-to-prevent-defensiveness-and-escalation
(8)​https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/are-you-a-couple-looking-for-some-relief-from-conflict-here-are-8-places-to-start-right-now

Discuss, print, enjoy, and share the love. ​​

Photo by Shanique Wright on Unsplash

This post was originally published by Holly L. Harrison on 9/5/2015. The picture has been changed and updates/edits have been made for clarity (1).

​​If you have been on Facebook, Twitter, or watched the news lately, you have probably seen something about the Ashley Madison website hack (this is a website specifically designed for people who are married and are looking to have an affair). In case you missed it, you can check out ABC News for a summary (2). Given the staggering number of users on the website (including public and government officials), many couples may be wondering what they can do to protect their relationship from an affair. I truly believe this is an important topic for couples to discuss, because affairs are common in relationships. It is one of the most devastating problems that could happen because of the resulting shattered trust that takes a long time to be rebuilt. Here are seven ways you can protect your relationship from an affair:

1. Acknowledge that your relationship is not affair-proof.

When couples believe, "An affair could never happen to us; we are too in love," they tend to not put protection and boundaries in place. Affairs often happen due to a slow and almost imperceptible shifting of boundaries over a long period of time. Often it is not until after the affair ends when the couple realizes it started way before that first kiss or sexual encounter. It may have begun with spending more time, as friends, with a coworker.   

2. Discuss and agree on relationship boundaries, ideally early in the relationship. Tweak as needed.

Healthy boundaries are flexible enough to provide room for positive people and experiences to flow into your life, but also firm enough to provide protection against possible problems. For instance, developing positive coworker friendships can provide meaning and satisfaction in the workplace, but also being aware of not spending too much time alone with a coworker who you could become attracted to is also important.

3. Make transparency a daily habit in your relationship.

I believe in full-disclosure. If your partner has a question, you answer it. If an old flame approaches you on Facebook, you let your partner know about it right away (without having to be asked). I also advocate that couples have full access to all usernames and passwords. If you have nothing to hide, any accounts or emails that you have should be pretty boring. Knowing you have access to all your partner’s accounts at any time creates accountability and leads to a tremendous sense of security. 

4. Take care of yourself and deal with stress.

Eating healthy, getting enough rest, developing a passionate hobby, and nurturing important relationships in your life, will allow you to make much better relationship decisions than someone who is not doing so. I often say to couples in counseling that our spouses frequently get “thrown under the bus” and take the brunt of the blame when we are not feeling happy in our lives. It is not realistic to expect our significant other to meet all of our needs to feel physically and emotionally healthy. If we would just take a nap, go for a walk, spend some time with a best friend, etc. we would feel a lot better. 

5. Surround yourself with friends who support healthy relationships and maintain positive relationship habits.

If you want a long-term, healthy, and monogamous relationship with your spouse, befriend people who have healthy relationships. Your support network has such an incredible impact on how you respond to problems with your partner. Think about the friends you surround yourself with. What are their attitudes towards cheating? Do they give you good advice during the normal and inevitable ups and downs of a long-term relationship? Or do they take sides and create further distance between you and your loved one? Do they advocate growth and personal responsibility in their relationships or do they blame everyone else for their relationship problems and remain personally stagnant?

6. Make a commitment to use healthy communication and to resolve issues when they are small or new. 

Couples who have healthy relationships enjoy learning about each other and learning how to communicate better throughout their lives. They know that the better they communicate, and the stronger their relationship is, the easier it is to handle problems that come up. Keep in mind, you will always have issues to resolve or work out with your partner – often more than anyone else in your life. A couple who only deals with relationship issues that are huge and have been going on for years, may believe that the only way out is a drastic solution such as divorce or an affair. If you are in a romantic relationship and early on experience struggles communicating, it might be an indicator you need to work on your communication through reading relationship books, attending a workshop, or going to couples counseling. 

7. Keep passion alive in your relationship.

After the initial honeymoon phase (where passion comes so easy), it often takes a more proactive and planned approach to keep passion alive in the relationship. Even if it is more thought-out and planned, it can be just as wonderful! Make sure to plan dates that are fun and out of the ordinary. Do not get stuck in a rut by doing the same date every time. Surprise your partner from time to time with whatever activities or things your partner enjoys most.  

To sum it all up...
The best time to discuss the above seven areas is in the early stages of a relationship, but it is never too late to discuss them! This is why I always include a discussion about affair prevention with premarital couples I work with. It can be tough for me to convince couples that they need to think about preventing an affair right at the exact moment when they are feeling so incredibly in love! But believe me, it is an important topic, because I see way too many couples who love each other at my office saying, “We never thought it would happen to us.” With a little bit of discussion and the implementation of some simple strategies, you can go a long way in protecting your relationship from an affair. 

Thanks for being here with me today. If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter or Facebook. Talk to you next week!

All the best,
​Holly 
​
PS Can I send you an email about once a week? The email will have a link to my latest blog post in case there is a topic you are interested in. As the business grows and I add more products and services, I will mention in the email what has been added.

References and Links
(1)https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/7-ways-to-protect-your-relationship-from-an-affair
​(2)https://abcnews.go.com/Technology/ashley-madison-hack-included-data-dump/story?id=33176238