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​If you are curious about the name MoxiePsychology Legacy, this blog will explore some of the meaning behind why I chose this business name:

First, why is "legacy" included? Well, I believe that our psychological legacies are extremely important (and we often aren't even aware of how important they are!). I want to raise awareness and discussion about our own psychological legacies as well as the psychological legacies others have passed on to us.

Second, much of the psychological legacies we pass on to others are within our control through small and simple changes. 
The great thing about psychological legacies is that there is a lot most of us can do about them. Unlike passing on a large financial inheritance (i.e., a financial legacy) to the next generation (which isn't always possible for everyone), passing on a healthy and meaningful psychological legacy is within the reach of most people, no matter your tax bracket or socioeconomic status. In many ways, I think that psychological legacies can have more of an impact on our day to day lives, mental health, and relationship health than our financial status.

Third, so what is a psychological legacy exactly?

• To me, a psychological legacy encompasses the psychological and relationship choices that we make for ourselves, and also with those around us (our partner, kids, friends, family, co—workers, and our fellow global citizens).
• These psychological and relationship choices include our past behaviors and they also include present-day interactions.
• We can change and take control of our psychological legacies because they are being actively written every day. 
• Working on our personal legacy improves our own lives and also the lives of those around us. 
• A healthy and meaningful psychological legacy does not at all mean being perfect. Being perfect (or pretending to) would actually do more to harm your legacy than to just notice when you have made a mistake, apologize for your mistakes, and choose to learn and grow from your them.
• We pass on psychological legacies to others, and we have also had psychological legacies passed on to us by our families, workplaces, our local communities, governments, and our world.
• Small changes can lead to massive results for many generations. I like to refer to my company/brand as the Seventh Generation brand of relationship and communication resources. 

Fourth, the word "MoxiePsychology" is about being brave psychologically and also with our relationships.
I don't necessarily mean brave in a loud/start a world movement kind of way (although that is a great thing too!); I mean stepping up to make positive changes in your own life and in the lives of those around you... Discovering what is in your control and power, and taking responsibility for it. By all of us in the world making small and meaningful psychological and relationship choices, we can change the world. I strongly believe that. 

Why is being brave important?

• Our world is so much more complex than it used to be, and with our technological advances we are connected to most everyone in the entire world now! Take a moment to think how incredible that is! Our boundaries, and the distance between ourselves and our neighbors across the world is negligible.
• Now more than ever we need to work on our own mental health, our relationship skills, and our communication skills so we can thrive individually and as a world.
• Being brave psychologically and with our relationships is the only way we will solve the current challenges of our generation (global warming, environmental destruction, pollution, bitter political problems, skyrocketing medical costs, exorbitant college costs, etc.). 
• So we can prepare our children to thrive and have healthy relationships.
• Finally, being brave is important because we are starting to realize and accept that mental health and relationship health play a huge role in our quality of life. Our work on our mental health and relationship health are not "soft skills" they are essential skills. 

Fifth, what is a relationship legacy leader? How does this tie in?
In essence, a relationship legacy leader is someone who is aware of what a psychological legacy is, and is actively (and bravely) working on making positive changes to their psychological legacy.

The expanded definition: A relationship legacy leader is someone who is committed to healthy relationships and emotional health for themselves, and also for the people around them. These progressive leaders deeply value thriving and resilient relationships, but are also keenly aware of the relational and emotional impact they have on other people: friends, relatives, co-workers, people in their community, kids, etc. These leaders know that in order to collaborate effectively, achieve the greatest growth, and to experience meaning and satisfaction out of life it takes growing our relationship and emotional skills. See my past blog post here for additional discussion on the topic. (1)

Anyone can be a relationship legacy leader and make a positive impact on the people in their lives.

Lastly, can you give me some examples of a psychological legacy?
Your own legacy examples:

1. Teaching your children about healthy communication, healthy boundaries, and healthy relationships.
2. Modeling a healthy relationship and healthy communication with your partner. This is so you can experience the joy and positive benefits of having a healthy relationship, but also so that your kids can learn about them too.
3. Consistently admitting when you make a mistake or made a poor choice, and committing to growing, being curious, learning, and asking questions. This creates a positive ripple effect on everyone in your life and in all of your environments (work, home, church, etc.). 

Legacies passed on to you examples:

1. Hard work ethic and incredible kindness to all, passed on to you and modeled by your grandparents.
2. At work, your boss makes the personal choice to commit to respectful, clear, honest, and kind communication to everyone at the company (no matter the status, work title, or compensation). 

 
​Thanks for joining me today!
Thank you for being here with me today. I hope that the post sparked some ideas/observations about the psychological legacies passed on to you, and the legacy that you are passing on to others. All of us can be relationship legacy leaders... Where can you start to make some small changes?

If this post was helpful, please hit the Facebook Like button below or share the blog on Twitter. Thank you!

Talk to you next week.

All the best,
​Holly L. Harrison 

References and Links
(1) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-legacy-leader 

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​When looking around for couples counseling (or counseling in general) it’s hard to know where to go, who to choose, and what to expect… It can be really confusing! This is especially the case if you have never done counseling before. To add to the confusion, there are many different types of counselors to choose from.

Today’s post is all about what to expect from couples counseling here at MoxiePsychology Legacy. I also hope to clear up some confusion about the different types of counselors available to you.

Who works in the field of psychology as a counselor?
I often run into a lot of confusion and questions about the different types of mental health care workers; this is why I will explore a few different types of mental health professionals and their core differences.

Psychiatrist:
One main distinguishing aspect of a psychiatrist, in comparison to other mental health providers, is that a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who primarily prescribes medication for mental health (occasionally they do a little counseling too, but their main focus is on psychiatric medication).

Psychologist:
A psychologist has their doctorate in the field of psychology, and they have in-depth and specialized training in psychological assessments (such as IQ assessments, personality assessments, mental health diagnostic assessments, etc.). They may only focus their work on counseling, assessments, or they may do both counseling and assessments.

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT):
A licensed marriage and family therapist could have either their doctorate or master’s degree. A licensed marriage and family therapist has specialized training and education in couples, families, and relationships in general. They have usually done hundreds (or possibly even thousands of hours) of relationship specific education, supervision, and clinical work. Marriage and family therapists are also trained in mental health diagnosis.  

Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC):
Licensed professional counselors are mental health professionals with a master’s degree in a mental health area (such as clinical counseling). They have in-depth training in diagnosing and treating individuals with mental health disorders.

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW):
Some licensed clinical social workers focus their careers more on the typical social work that we think of, but some dedicate their lives to doing mental health counseling just like a marriage and family therapist, psychologist, or a licensed professional counselor. Both LCSWs and LMFTs have specialized training built into their degrees and licenses in thinking outside of the individual and into that individual’s relationships, family, and greater community.

All licensed mental health providers (or psychological superheroes as I like to think of them!) have devoted many years to their education and training so that they can be well qualified professionals. They have also spent at least a couple of years after their degree, working with clients under a supervisor before being licensed. After the minimum hours under supervision are completed and the required exams are passed, the mental health professional can be fully licensed to practice independently.

So, what type of counselor is Holly L. Harrison?
I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have been fully licensed in the state of Missouri since 2012 (I began practicing in 2009, under a supervisor, after I graduated with my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy).

One of the reasons I chose the field of marriage and family therapy is because I loved learning about relationships (healthy relationships are such a key component to a thriving and meaningful life, in my opinion). I wanted to eventually help others with my knowledge and specialization, because I believe helping people with their relationships can make such a massive and positive difference in their lives (and in the lives of everyone around them).

General couples counseling process here at MoxiePsychology Legacy:

1. Set up an in person or telehealth couples counseling intake appointment on the online scheduling system (1). You can do this 24/7/365.
2. Complete the intake paperwork from your computer or smartphone. No printing required. Both partners need to complete separate paperwork at least 6 hours before the first session begins. There is a tab on my website where you can find the intake paperwork (2)
3. Attend your first appointment. The first appointment is a time for us to get to know each other and see if we are a good fit. It’s a great opportunity for you to ask any questions or voice any concerns you may have. This is when you tell me about your relationship history, the problems you are having, and your goals for counseling.
4. At your first session (for in person appointments) you will receive a Discovery Keeper, a journal for each partner, and the book Fighting for Your Marriage (3). The Discovery Keeper is a binder that contains all of your important information in one place (your homework assignments, goals, important handouts, and milestones achieved). I put together the Discovery Keeper specifically for couples in mind—and also so we can hit the ground running starting with our first session here. It really is important to me to make good use of our time together. Telehealth couples will have their first session package mailed to them after they attend their intake (they will only need to pay for shipping).
5. Most couples begin attending counseling once a week, and then as they are making progress and feeling better, they transition to once every other week.
6. Once goals have been achieved to the satisfaction of the couple, counseling is completed.
7. Come back in to counseling as needed.

Transparency
Today I will share with you my general approach and system with couples because I think more transparency about what we do in the mental health field is a very good thing. So much of what us counselors accomplish is behind closed doors and confidential—this is important (and confidentiality is a very good thing), but inevitably a lack of information gets out to the public about what we do.

Fortunately, with new technologies, more and more counselors are sharing what they do with the public, and I hope this trend continues. Also, on my end, I want to be transparent about what I do so I can work on always making my products and services better for my clients through feedback and dialogue. Knowing what is helping, what couples want more information about, and what is not working are all important to me.

Key takeaway
Ultimately (and really what is most important here), I want you to get matched up with services that are the best fit for you; whether that is with me or another of counselor. I want you to feel better!

Key components of my couples counseling approach
There are several key components to my couples counseling style and approach.

First, couples counseling is not one of 100 things that I do; instead, it is the only service I currently offer. The reason I am doing this is so I can put my full energy and focus into creating a massively valuable and life-changing experience from our work together. My goal is to provide clients with an effective and high-quality experience that makes the most out of their time and money. As time goes on, I will add other products and services, but they will all be relationship, communication, leadership, and boundary oriented in nature.

A second component to my work with couples is that I have a general system I use (however, I do adapt it as clinically appropriate). I used this system with couples at my previous practice I owned (Tranquil Waters Counseling and Wellness) (4), and I found it to be very effective, and I have received a lot of good feedback from clients about it. Do keep in mind that every couple is different and there are no guarantees for the outcome of counseling.

A third component to my approach is the whole reason WHY I designed the couples counseling system. I did it to help couples to feel confident in communicating and working through whatever life threw at them (in the past, now, and in the future). I also designed the approach so that couples could regain a sense of happiness, satisfaction, and security in their relationship together. 

Why couples like working with me and my general approach
I have had many couples really like my approach and style because they felt they were learning and practicing skills that they could use in hundreds of different situations. I have seen so many couples (happily) surprised that they could learn how to communicate better and finally feel relief from relationship problems and stress.

In my experience, couples usually want to learn empowering tools and skills so that they can manage conflict well on their own, so they don’t have to rely on a therapist forever. Couples also want topic specific feedback on the issues that brought them in to prevent potential pitfalls and missteps.

Couples counseling approach broken down by session
Intake (Session 1):
Get to know the couple. Assess the couple’s main problem areas they would like to work on, their goals, their history, and what their relationship would look like if counseling was a success and exceeded their expectations. Couples are welcomed to ask any questions or voice any concerns they have.

Session 2:
Create goals. Teach how to identify and greatly reduce common harmful communication habits. This is so important because the harmful communication habits, when used frequently, can completely block out all the good stuff underneath! Sort of like clouds blocking out the sun.

Session 3:
With harmful habits starting to be mostly removed (goodbye clouds!), teach couples how to be specific and clear in their communication, how to encourage/nurture more gratitude in their relationship, and teach couples the Speaker-Listener Technique from Fighting for Your Marriage (5). Have the couples practice the Speaker-Listener Technique using an easy topic first (something they are excited about or looking forward to) in order to “learn the ropes.”

The Speaker-Listener Technique is equivalent to the bumpers at a bowling alley. Bumpers help the ball to reach the goal of knocking down the pins, and they ensure that the ball doesn’t totally drop off the lane. The Speaker-Listener Technique guidelines are your conversation bumpers that keep discussions on track. Just like in bowling, as time goes on, you need the bumpers less and less as your skills increase.   

Session 4 and On:
Couples start constructively talking to each other, face to face, and on one issue at a time using their new communication skills. They begin working through the primary issues that brought them in. Initially, couples need a lot more of my guidance and support, but as time goes on, and with more practice, couples gain the skills to feel confident working through issues successfully on their own.

It’s really an amazing privilege to be able to witness this journey! I’ve seen couples in sessions go from being unable to constructively discuss issues, to almost needing no help at all from me in working through issues. This is one of the reasons I was drawn to the field—it really is amazing to see the incredible growth that can happen (and seeing how much better couples feel!).  

I also of course provide topic-specific feedback and support, as appropriate, based on the issue (blended family challenges, in-law challenges, healthy relationship boundaries, parenting, affairs, trauma, depression, etc.).

Unique aspects of my personality and style
I have always been a very psychologically observant and intuitive person, and I bring that to my work with couples. For example, I have the ability to really hone in on the key problems and specific interactions that are causing the most trouble between couples. Integrated with this ability is my strength in honing in on what relationship changes will make the most positive impact.

My job is to help make this process easier and to structure it for you
Couples often feel pretty overwhelmed when they first come in because they wonder where to start and what changes will help the most. That’s where I come in. Part of my job is to help clarify for the couple what to work on that will help the most, and to help break down the growing process into small and manageable steps.

What should I do as a client to have a great experience and the best chance of achieving my goals?
In working with me at MoxiePsychology Legacy, there are a few things you can do to get the most out of your time here:

• ​First, be open to trying some new things. I say this because often you may not see how a recommendation could be effective, or sometimes we can feel so hopeless that it’s hard to get motivated to try. I can’t tell you how many times couples have said that they really didn’t think a recommendation would help, but it ended up helping a lot!
• Second, be fully engaged in each session.
• Third, complete the homework.
• Fourth, speak up with any questions, concerns, or feedback about the counseling process.
• Fifth, be patient, lose the perfectionism, and give yourself some time/space to grow and thrive again. 

When the couple is fully open to growing, learning, practicing, and doing the work, that is where the magic and the changes happen.
​
Live video telehealth option
I see clients in person at my office in Springfield, Missouri. I can also work with clients anywhere in the state of Missouri through my live video telehealth option (6).

Sometimes clients are in a rural area and there just aren’t any counselors nearby. Or, some clients live in a large city like St. Louis or Kansas City, but they would rather avoid the 30 minutes to 1-hour commute one-way to a therapist’s office.

Insurance
Insurance is something to consider when deciding where to go for counseling. Some counseling practices accept insurance and some do not. Some practices only accept certain types of insurance. If you want to use your insurance, first check to see if the provider is in-network, and if they are not in-network, how much that will cost. Other practices may offer services on a sliding scale. MoxiePsychology Legacy is self-pay only and does not accept insurance. 

Counseling with a focus on religious beliefs
When looking for a couples counselor you will need to decide if you want to work with a counselor who is secular, religious focused/based, or no preference. Think about what is the best fit for you and your partner. The Ozarks, in general, is a highly religious area, and so many couples locally prefer to work with a counselor who is biblically minded and brings in Christianity to the couples counseling experience.

My services are specifically designed to be inclusive, secular, and research-based. They would best fit clients who are not looking for Christian-focused couples counseling. I work with clients with various religious and spiritual beliefs. I show respect and understanding for all my clients, and for all of their religious or spiritual backgrounds.

If your religious or spiritual beliefs are an important part of your life and you would like to include aspects of it into your goals, we can definitely do that. I am here to support your religious and spiritual journey in life from your perspective, and not my own.

LGBTQ friendly
I am an LGBTQ ally. I had the honor of serving and supporting many LGBTQ clients at my last practice, Tranquil Waters Counseling and Wellness, and I will continue to do the same at MoxiePsychology Legacy.

Hours
I offer convenient afternoon and evening hours (Monday through Thursday) so that I can be available when both partners are off work.

Deciding between couples counseling and individual counseling?
I published a helpful blog on this topic at my previous practice. Click HERE (7) to access the post where you can learn about some ideas and guidelines for deciding between couples counseling and individual counseling. 

Questions?
Did I forget to explain something here? Do you have more questions? I always welcome any questions or comments you have. Please comment below, email me, or call me.

Thanks for joining me today
Thank you for being here with me today. I hope this blog helped to clear up some confusion surrounding couples counseling and helped you to feel better informed about the couples counseling process in general. Hopefully you now can feel confident in what to expect from couples counseling here at MoxiePsychology Legacy. Have a wonderful day!

All the best,
Holly L. Harrison
 

References and Links
(1) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/schedule-my-appointment-now.html  
(2) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/intake-paperwork.html
(3) Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce (3rd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
(4) https://tranquilwcw.com/blog.html
​(5) Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce (3rd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.  
(6) https://moxiepsychologylegacy.com/telehealth.html
(7)https://tranquilwcw.com/blog/how-to-decide-between-couples-counseling-and-individual-counseling

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In today’s blog I will discuss a process for uncovering some of your core values from a painful experience you had in the past. These core values will serve as a springboard for positive and action-oriented personal growth in your own life and also as an inspiration for how you can better support the lives of people around you as a Relationship Legacy Leader. I will also discuss narcissism because this topic seems to be on a lot of people's minds lately, and many people are trying to cope and grow from painful experiences in interacting with people with narcissistic traits. Narcissism, I believe, is an area where it would be beneficial to uncover what our deeper values and beliefs are. 

Something I have noticed a lot in the news lately are articles on narcissism and the painful experiences that radiate out from that problem. Intuitively, I sense that many people are trying to grapple with, cope, learn, and grow from all the challenges that narcissism brings. Furthermore, coming from this focus on narcissism, humans are trying to learn about what their values are and what is healthy in the context of mental health and relationships. I believe it’s important for us to be able to identify toxic work and family situations so we can set some healthy boundaries, or move on if we need to, but then what do we do after that? Today's blog can help you if you have struggled with someone who may have a lot of narcissistic traits. This blog can also help for any other painful situation where you would like to better understand your values and grow.

If it's narcissism-related or any other painful situation in our life, how can we learn from our experiences? How can we use those difficult times to grow beyond that painful event, and also to help those around us? What can we do as far as prevention? How can we stop the generational passing down of toxic or harmful relationship habits (either in a family, workplace environment, government, or religious institution)? I think that these are good questions to be asking ourselves because sometimes problems can seem so big and overwhelming that we have a hard time seeing where to start to make things better. And when problems seem so big and overwhelming, we often end up not doing anything about it. We think, "I'm just one person, what can I do about it?"

An important challenge for us personally is to find a way to rise above painful situations versus drowning in resentment, judgment, hopelessness, and frustration. This is especially the case if we have a relationship with someone who meets criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (or even antisocial personality disorder). Sadly, there is not much we can do to change that specific relationship; the nature of these disorders is that lacking empathy and disregarding the pain of others becomes a consistent lifelong personality trait that typically does not shift much throughout adulthood. However, I want you to know that if you have experienced a painful event (or had experience with someone with narcissistic personality disorder), there is hope and you can learn and rise above it. In the case with narcissism, we need to shift our focus to working on prevention and discovering/living out our values.

Here are my ideas and opinions for preventing narcissism. First, I think we should value teaching boys and girls (throughout their childhood) about their feelings and how to cope with them in a healthy way. So much of our personalities and coping styles are learned and developed from a very young age. Furthermore, we need to value teaching boys about their emotions and not shame them for having feelings. Second, we need to focus on, in my opinion, working on our own mental health, and discovering ways to better support the people in our own lives (kids, family, friends, coworkers, supervisees, etc.). Essentially, we need to value destigmatizing stress, fear, anger, or any difficult emotion. These painful emotions are a part of all of our lives and our mental health. We all have these issues and we all have to find ways to cope with them throughout our lives. We are not bad for having stress and taking care of it! We need to lose the shame, and we all need to work on our mental health regularly just like our physical health. We have gym class for supporting kids' physical health throughout their development, but there is not an equivalent class for kids' mental health. Third, we especially need to value making sure all of the children in our entire world have their physical, emotional, intellectual, and relationship needs met for a variety of important reasons, but also to stop the cycle of wounded and hurt people hurting other people.  

I think that our recent interest in narcissism actually mean something bigger… I think as humans we are psychologically evolving. If we peer underneath all of our recent concerns about narcissism, I think we will uncover (and discover) some of our core values we aspire to have as humans, as a society, and as a world.

So, what are some of your core values? Let’s examine a painful experience you had because that is a big indicator of something important to you. Let’s get underneath the pain, resentment, or maybe even frustration to make a real impact in your own life and in the lives of those around you.  

How to Examine a Painful Experience as a Way to Uncover Core Values (6 Steps)
You may find it beneficial to talk with someone you trust about this or you might find it helpful to write your ideas down in a journal.

Step 1: Think of one painful memory (or related incidents) that happened with your family, at work, at church, in politics, etc. What happened?

Step 2: List all of the most painful emotions associated with it. Sadness? Frustration? Anger? Despair? Shock? Loneliness? Hopelessness?

Step 3: Get underneath those feelings you listed in Step 2.
Questions to Ask Yourself (Not All May Apply):

1. Was there a boundary that was violated? What was it?
2. What is the key thing that should have been done different in that situation? By you? By the other person or people?
3. What would have been a healthier scenario? What would it have looked like if the situation never happened or was more productive?
4. What changes could have been made that would have made the most difference?
5. Do you have any regrets or things you wish you had done differently?
6. Is there someone you know (either personally or who influences you) who has some good ideas on this problem?
7. If poor leadership was a factor, what specifically were the top 3 problem areas?

Step 4: Using your answers above as inspiration and guidance, what are your values? Get underneath your frustration and what you see as wrong to figure out what is kind, fair, and embodies integrity. If you need some help, try filling in these statements. 

• "I didn't like it when___________, so____________ is my value." 
• "I'm not comfortable with___________, so____________ is my value."
• "________________________hurts people, so____________is my value."
• "______________causes_________________, so______________is my value."

Examples:

1. I didn't like it in the past when my partner yelled at me, so my value is that in my relationships we commit to not yelling at each other. 
2. I didn't like it when my Step-Dad hit me when I was a kid, so I will never hit my children. That is my value. When I am upset and frustrated, I will remove myself from the situation and calm down.
3. I didn't like it in the past when I had bosses who couldn't handle ideas from the people they led because they saw it as a threat to their ego or power; so as a leader/manager at my job, my value is to demonstrate genuine interest to everyone who has ideas on improving the company. I also value encouraging the best and most helpful ideas to rise up for the collective benefit of everyone who works at the company and also for the customers. 

Step 5: Apply the values to yourself. Now that you know some of your values, what does this mean for you personally? Where could you grow in living out your values? Do you have some "blind spots" or areas where you have been telling others to do what maybe you could also benefit from working on? What would living out your values look like? Where is the easiest place to start?

Step 6: Apply your values to positively impact the people in your life. List out ideas for concretely living out your values in your relationships with others. What would that look like? Where can you make the biggest impact? Who do you want to make the biggest impact on?

This activity can be repeated to gain insight on a variety of different scenarios and situations.

I think that this activity is important for many reasons, but there are two especially important ones. One, it can help you to move on and grow from a very painful situation by identifying what good can come from it. Two, it can help you in stopping the process of transmitting your own pain, frustration, resentment, and disappointment onto the next generation and the people around you. The interesting thing about painful events is that we can unconsciously (or without meaning to or wanting to) hand off our own pain and frustration to others unless we actively learn from the situation and find a way to grow beyond it. We have to understand clearly what our values are, what a better scenario looks like, and then actively work towards it. This is because knowing a problem is one thing, but understanding the solution to the problem is a whole separate area of knowledge and wisdom. For example, with the couples I work with I often help them separate their understanding of what the problem is and the solutions to overcome it—they are two very different things. Additionally, couples sometimes discover that even though their problems seem big and emotionally very heavy, the solution can often come from some simple changes.

From this exercise today I hope it sparked some ideas for personal and relationship growth. I encourage each of you reading to also think about what your gifts are and how you can use your gifts to live out the values you uncovered. We are all different, and we each have unique gifts. How can you share what makes you unique in a way that helps others? Whatever you do, don’t downplay your gifts! Things we are passionate about, deeply care about, or find easy to do are not necessarily the same for others. In fact, what's easy and fun for you is often hard for others! There are millions of different gifts out there. What is your gift, and how can you live out your values through your gifts?

Thanks For Being With Me Today
Thanks for joining me today fellow Relationship Legacy Leaders. I hope today’s blog was inspiring for you and sparked some ideas that will create massive positive changes in your own life and in the lives of those around you. The insights and ideas you discovered today can change the world. Have a wonderful rest of the day!

​All the best,
Holly 

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​Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

Have you heard about the mental health benefits of family meals together? Family meals are protective against a variety of child and teen challenges such as depression/suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, substance use, and violent behavior. This is especially important to be aware of with mental health disorders on the rise in teens.

So, how do you make the most of family mealtime? Well, today I will discuss a few different ideas for leveling up your mealtime game by making your time together higher quality and more meaningful. I will discuss some questions to ask at dinner to spark discussion. I will also explore some realistic goals and expectations to have. There are some insights and observations from my own family I would like to share with you. Lastly, I have a family meeting activity idea and some inspirational questions for you to think about.

Meaningful (and Fun) Questions to Discuss at Dinnertime:

• What was your high (or best part of the day)?
• What was your low (or worst part of the day)?
• What was the funniest part of your day?
• What are you grateful for?
• What are you looking forward to?

​I recommend making the above questions (or another set of core questions that you prefer) a habit that you do as often as possible at dinnertime. You can play around with the questions you to ask to find which ones you like the best. Or start from scratch and make up your own.

Realistic Expectations and Goals for Family Mealtime:

• The questions above can work with couples who have kids or who don’t have kids. The questions are nice because they really help you to catch up with and connect with anyone important in your life that you are sitting down to eat a meal with.
• It’s okay if you can’t eat every meal together with your partner or your kids. Don’t give yourself a guilt trip. For many families eating every dinner all together just isn’t a realistic expectation with work schedules, the kids’ extracurricular activities, and possibly the parenting plan if you are a blended family. Maybe for your family, breakfast meals or weekend meals are when the family can all be together. Furthermore, you don't have to only ask these questions at mealtimes; discuss them when it works in your family's schedule.
• You can ask the questions above at breakfast or lunch too, but you might change them a little bit. For instance, since breakfast is at the beginning of the day, you probably wouldn't ask the high and the low for the day because it really hasn't all happened yet! No worries! Just brainstorm some other more relevant questions to ask (for example, "what are you most excited about school or work today?"). Or, you can ask what the high and the low was of the day before. If you haven't seen your kids all week because they were staying with their other parent, you might ask them what the high and the low was of the entire week.
• Focus on the quality of your interaction. Put away your phones (totally out of sight and on silent), don’t answer phone calls and texts, and focus on being fully present. How often do you answer texts, answer phone calls, or respond to social media posts at dinner? A little more than you'd like to admit? You might consider a no electronics rule (for everyone) at dinnertime. 
• If you do have kids, the parents are the leaders of the family, so it’s up to you to model and put in place healthy mealtime habits.
• If you start to implement new mealtime habits and your kids aren’t so hot about the new rules and new questions, stick with it. Don’t give up when you ask your kids about their day and they don’t give you much of a response. Or maybe your kids complain about not having their cell phone at the table. Please know mama and papa bears that you ARE making progress just by starting some new habits! What counts is that you demonstrate consistent genuine care and concern. Consistent genuine care and concern is forward progress no matter what your child's immediate response is. When you do that with your children, they will get the overall sense/feeling that you love them, care for them, have their backs, and are genuinely interested in their lives. This impacts the culture of your family (for generations), and in my opinion, it helps create an atmosphere where stress levels can come down and bodies can physically and mentally heal knowing there is safety and love in the home. So, your kids will share when they are ready; just keep doing your thing no matter what they do! You might find that outside of mealtime they share something important about their lives with you because they feel comfortable sharing the information. Be patient and don’t push too hard. These questions are supposed to be fun and spark conversation. For more on this topic, click here for my blog on 17 Tips to Encourage Healthy Parent and Child Communication.

Insights and Observations from My Own Family
Start when your kids are young, and start now. My family (Nathan and Alex) began discussing the dinner questions above at family dinners when Alex was 2. We usually have each person answer all the questions at once, and then we go to the next person. You of course can do them how you like; maybe you ask one question and then have each person take a turn answering the same question. When Alex was 2 she couldn’t always answer all the questions, but she answered quite a few of them. Some days she talked a bunch, and other days she didn't have anything to say. Sometimes she didn't say anything for several days. What was amazing was that because we made it a habit at dinner, Alex started asking us the dinnertime questions at mealtime! She now has all of our regular dinnertime questions memorized and seems to genuinely enjoy our mealtime interactions. Sometimes she even asks other people or her friends the mealtime questions.

I like that my daughter is learning at a young age about the concept of gratitude since so much has come out about how important gratitude is to our mental health. I also know it’s important for me to stop every day and think about the things in life I am grateful for. For me personally, practicing a mindset of gratitude has really helped me to be aware of the things I do have and the things that are going right in my life. It's sometimes easy to get caught up in all the things I have to do, the stresses in my life, or the things I wish were different.

You know, I really look forward to hearing my family answer the questions. It helps me stay connected to my family from the day to day. I have noticed that sometimes information gets shared with each other that likely may not have been shared unless we took the time to ask and check in. There have definitely been moments where I heard a response and I have thought to myself, “I’m glad we ask these questions!” I also enjoy answering the questions—it’s nice to be able to share what happened in my day.

Along the lines of sharing your day and connecting, research is finding that loneliness and disconnection is harmful to our health. Is there someone you can connect with regularly about your day even if you live alone? The article I just linked to about loneliness recommends quality face to face interaction as the best way to combat loneliness, and discusses how social media can actually make us feel more isolated.

My family falls into the category of some scheduling conflicts so I miss family dinner Monday through Thursday (I work and see clients in the afternoons and evenings because that is a good time for couples to come into the office). So, I just aim to be flexible. For example, in the mornings I have the opportunity to have a nice slow breakfast with my daughter. I use that time to connect with her. Sometimes on the drive to my daughter’s preschool I will ask her what she is looking forward to. She has spontaneously come up with a question she wants me to ask her every day—she likes having me ask “what kind of day do you want to have today?” When I ask her, she usually says a "silly day," because she loves being silly! In the evenings after my daughter is asleep, my husband and I will ask each other the “dinnertime questions” so we can catch up with each other. On Friday’s and the weekends, we all have the opportunity to eat dinner together, and so we use that time to ask the dinnertime questions.

Activity Idea
Even though parents are the leaders in the family, it doesn’t mean you have to do all the work. Hooray! Find ways to include your kids in thinking about family mealtime. For example, call a family meeting. Have everyone (especially the kids) brainstorm ideas for family mealtime rules (e.g., no answering text messages at the table). Do a separate brainstorm for your set of regular family mealtime questions. Remember the rules of a good brainstorm session: don’t shoot down anyone’s idea, put all the ideas down on a list, and once the brainstorming is done go through and decide what you will do. By including your kids in discussing family mealtime habits and encouraging them to come up with some of the rules, this will help garner more buy-in and interest. Your kids may have so much interest that they might even remind you when you are not following them! You're welcome :) 

Inspirational Questions:

1. What are some of your best, favorite, or helpful family mealtime habits? What do you think really helps your family to feel connected at mealtime? 
2. Are there some good habits at mealtime that you have done in the past, that you really liked, but maybe got dropped off because life got busy? Can you add them back in? This applies to a lot of things in life; it's okay to be in survival mode (it happens to all of us). Just whenever things calm down, remember to put back in place the good habits you have had in the past that worked for you.
3. If you had to narrow it down to one, what mealtime habit would make the most difference for your family?
4. What are some bad mealtime habits that might need changed? What shows you that someone is distracted and not engaged in a family meal? Can you flip around the negative and use this as inspiration to discover what you would rather do instead? In other words, what is the opposite of the bad habit?
5. Were there any mealtime habits that you really liked growing up that you want to implement, or do more of, in your household now? You might consider sharing the answer with your partner and kids (if you have children), and explain why it was meaningful to you—please know that sharing your story is important and meaningful for your family.
6. When your kids are all grown up, what do you want them to remember about family meals? As a Relationship Legacy Leader, what impact do you hope to make on the next seven generations in your family?
7. What is one simple change you can implement today to foster connection at mealtime? 

Thank You for Joining Me Today
Thank you so much for joining me today. I don’t take it for granted. I greatly enjoy being with other Relationship Legacy Leaders. I hope today’s blog got you thinking and gave you some helpful ideas for leveling up your mealtime game. What are your favorite mealtime questions? Please comment below. I know you have some great ideas out there, and I would love your input. My family has been using some of the same mealtime questions for a while, and so I am interested in changing things up and trying out your fun mealtime question ideas!

Have a wonderful rest of the day!

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All the best,
Holly