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​Couples (and anyone for that matter) can find communicating about a concern or a misunderstanding to be challenging. It’s hard for all of us, so how can we communicate in a clear way that is fair to the listener, and is also carried out in a manner that minimizes defensiveness and escalation?

My goal today is to give you some effective strategies that you can implement right away to clean up your communication and prevent escalation and defensiveness. Why? So you can have constructive conversations about the things that matter, and to give you more time to focus on the fun aspects of your relationship (and spend less time on arguing that gets you nowhere). 

Here is what I will explore:

1. The importance of avoiding negative interpretations because they instantly cause defensiveness and escalation.
2. Consequences of negative interpretations.
3. A method you can use to make your concerns crystal clear, respectful, and fair. It's called the XYZ Statement.
4. The importance of implementing meeting in the middle and what that involves.
5. Ideas for how Relationship Legacy Leaders might use these concepts.

​
Avoid Negative Interpretations:
The book Fighting for Your Marriage highlights four communication danger signs, but today I am going to focus in on just one—negative interpretations (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010, pp. 50-57). Negative interpretations are assumptions that you have about your partner that are negative generalizations taken to the extreme that are not true, or mostly false. How do you identify them? You can root them out by looking for labels or all or nothing statements. Examples of labels: He is lazy. She is uncaring. He is ________. She is _________. All or nothing statements can be found by listening for the following words: always or never. Additionally, all or nothing statements might include statements like “she just won’t do it” or “that’s just his personality.”

By the way, one of the things I give to every new couple who begins couples counseling with me is a copy of the book Fighting for Your Marriage. I tell couples that if you only read one book about relationships, please read this one. It is a great summary of research-based relationship strategies that really work. I also give each couple a Discovery Keeper to track their goals, homework, notes, and milestones. Anyhow, back to negative interpretations... 

Examples of Negative Interpretations:

• He never helps me around the house.
• She just won’t listen and doesn’t care.
• She is constantly on my back.
• He always thinks he’s so smart.
• That’s just the way he is; he’s just lazy.
• She thinks she is better than everyone.
• Something is wrong with her personality; you just can’t get through to her.
• He is trying to control me.
• She just isn’t interested in talking about it.
• I always have to do everything around here.
• He is terrible with money.
• She is a terrible mom.
• He is trying to do that to make me mad. He always does this on purpose.

Let’s Explore Some Feelings Here:
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a negative interpretation or an extremely negative assumption about why you did something? I would bet yes! How did it feel? Pretty awful? Like you were backed into a corner? Maybe you felt like an animal backed into a corner who was ready to strike back? Did you instantly feel defensive?

Feeling instantly angry and defensive is pretty universal (I know because I have asked many couples about this, and just about every couple describes how extremely upset and defensive they feel when they are on the receiving end of negative interpretations). I don't like to use the word hate, but people really hate it when others make incorrect negative assumptions about them. Other ways to describe it, is a character attack and veering into the territory of shaming someone.

Food for thought... Please remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of a negative assumption (or several at a time). Don't forget it. Use this as motivation for why you choose to be clear in your communication, and fair to others, when you speak about them. How do you prefer to be talked to if you make a mistake or someone feels confused by your actions?

Let's Explore Some Harmful Consequences:
One consequence of negative interpretations is that they can change our own behavior when we believe in them. I like to emphasize with couples that a good majority of negative interpretations may never be said out loud; instead, they are said in our heads where they fester and grow. When they grow and we believe them, we then tend to act more negatively towards our partner, and in turn our partner may act more negatively towards us. Can you see the back and forth downward spiral that can happen?

Another harmful consequence is that when we feel upset, we may feel more comfortable gossiping, and sharing our negative assumptions about someone, than directly approaching the other party to clear up the issue. 

You know, it's okay to think negative interpretations; do not be hard on yourself about that. We get mad, upset, confused, or worried about things, and we cannot always control what direction our mind goes. What we can control is catching the assumption, and making the choice to not buy into it. This is part of emotional maturity. It takes self-awareness and practice to reach a high level of emotional maturity. We also want to be careful about buying into other people's negative assumptions about others. 

Escalation and Defensiveness Equation:
Making a negative interpretation (or several) + mostly general and vague statements = The person on the receiving end defending their personality/level of care or concern, and feeling confused about what the problem is.

As you can see with this equation, the discussion likely won't get very far unless someone makes a smart choice to ask for specifics and decides to stay calm. I want to help you understand the back and forth nature of this dynamic. So, after a person defends their personality (or level of care/concern) the person who originally brought up the issue interprets this defensive response as an indicator of a lack of intelligence, a lack of interest, or a lack of caring. As you can see, very often more negative interpretations are made and they can quickly spiral out of control (on both sides).

It’s Okay to Feel a Little Bit Defensive:
I want to add a little bit more to this conversation and clarify something. Please realize that even if both parties do pretty well at being specific and clear, both will still internally feel a little defensive and uncomfortable. This is okay and expected; furthermore, communication is never perfect. You may also disagree with the other person on some aspects.

It’s often hard when someone holds us accountable for something or it's hard when there are hurt feelings involved. If you are feeling defensive, just be aware of it, and take special note to still stay in the conversation, communicate respectfully, and listen to understand (not to reply and defend yourself).

Remember, you cannot control that communication is imperfect and disagreements can be hard at times, but what you can control is making the choice to really understand and clarify the topic at hand. 

Move the Conversation to Productive Talk:
Part of accepting that people are never perfect in their communication, and that communication is naturally messy, means finding ways to move conversations to more productive communication.

For example, if you hear someone say a negative assumption to you, it’s not the end of the world (although, I know it doesn’t feel very good!). Your job is to stay calm, ask questions, ask for specific examples of the incident, and also specific examples of what things would look like if the issue was resolved. This will help move the conversation to a more productive direction, and help you get a much clearer picture of the situation. 

Use an XYZ Statement to Sharpen Your Message and Decrease the Likelihood for Defensiveness and Escalation:
Fighting for Your Marriage has a really great tool I like to use with every couple I work with to help them make their concern clear, respectful, and fair. The tool is called the XYZ statement: “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z” (Markman et al., 2010, p. 175). 

Examples of the XYZ Statement:

• “When you yell at me about getting chores done around the house, I feel sad and hurt.”
• “When we are talking about important topics and you continue to look at your phone and answer text messages, I feel very angry.”
• “When you interrupted me several times last night during our discussion about which school Katie should go to, I felt upset and disrespected."  

Your Clear and Calm Conversation Equation:
Using an XYZ statement + specific and factual examples = Giving the other person the best chance to apologize, share their experience, and deeply understand where you are coming from.

This equation isn’t going to fix everything, but it will give your conversations a good start, and the best chance of coming to a resolution. Additionally, make sure you use a calm tone of voice.

Some Caution Based on My Experience:
After helping many couples use the XYZ statement, I have found an incredibly common pitfall that accidentally leads to some defensiveness. Make sure that when you say your feeling that you are only saying a feeling and not a negative interpretation. Those negative interpretations are really sneaky sometimes.

I will give you an example of what not to do: “When you didn’t help me give the kids their baths, after I asked you to several times last night, I felt that you were just trying to hurt me and I realized you really don’t care about helping me out with the kids’ bedtime routine.” The underlined part was the oh so sneaky negative interpretations that slithered in there.

Please imagine for a moment that someone just said that to you… How would you feel? You are probably feeling really great, and you probably want to admit to where you need to take responsibility and help out more... Not!

So, what do you do instead? You can avoid the common pitfall of sneaky negative interpretations by just being very simple and brief. ONLY state a feeling after “I feel.” That’s it. Nothing more. Stop and give the other person a chance to explain, clarify, or apologize if necessary. Examples of feelings: upset, angry, happy, sad, concerned, confused, alarmed, excited, and elated.

For more examples of feelings, check out this cool feelings wheel: http://feelingswheel.com/. Or if that last feelings wheel was a bit overwhelming (lots of feelings going on there), and you just want the basics, here is a simpler wheel: http://prismwp-dev.ku.edu/project/feelings-wheel/.

A Common Question Based on My Experience:
Couples often ask, well, what if the situation has happened more than once? How can I  be specific and clear without sliding into a character attack? Great question!

Fortunately, there is an easy solution. State, “there has been a pattern that when you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.” Make sure to give multiple behavioral examples to support your statement that there has been a pattern. Boom! Problem solved. You can do this.

Another neat solution (I know, I'm a psychology geek) is to express specifically the behaviors you have noticed, and state you feel confused about what is going on. You might also state that you would like help understanding from their perspective what is happening. Let the other person explain their behaviors and feelings.

Interestingly, when we avoid jumping to conclusions and jumping to character attacks, the other person is much more likely to quickly admit when they were wrong and take responsibility for their actions. Or, we might find that once we find out the details we didn't need to be upset in the first place. Another outcome is that we discover that we have different values or beliefs, and it's not that either party is "bad" or "wrong."

Use XYZ Statements for Statements of Gratitude:
I love, love, love using XYZ statements for gratitude and appreciation statements. It's important to be aware of the ratio of our negative communication to our positive/encouraging/grateful communication and behaviors. All of us would be wise to make sure the majority of our communication throughout the day is positive, respectful, and constructive.

One way to do that is to use an XYZ statement for appreciation. Here is an example, “When you planned our date this past weekend, I felt so loved and I felt relieved I could forget my stress for a while and just have fun with you. I could really tell you put some thought and care into planning the date.”

What is wonderful about the example above is that the person on the receiving end will feel really good, and he or she will know exactly why planning the date meant so much to his or her partner. The person who planned a fun date night will be much more likely to want to do it again. Compare this to how you would feel if someone said “date night was nice,” or didn't say anything at all. If you notice, "date night was nice" doesn't have quite as much of an impact, and is definitely not as meaningful.

There are lots of benefits to frequent statements of appreciation and gratitude. In a culture of appreciation and gratitude, when the problems do come up (and they always will), the issues tend to feel minor, not as scary, and they feel easier to overcome. This is because when people feel appreciated for what they do, feel loved, and feel emotionally safe, it's an environment that is conducive to being willing to openly admit to mistakes, explore areas of growth, and explore ideas/solutions.

Next I discuss meeting in the middle which is another way to help you nurture a positive and healthy culture. Additionally, think of meeting in the middle as the context and environment to use your XYZ statements in.

Meet in the Middle:

1. Meeting in the middle means each person doing his or her part.
2. If you are communicating about a concern, use XYZ statements and specific examples. Don't attack the other party.
3. As the listener, be aware of your defensiveness and make sure your responses are kind and curious, and encourage the listener to speak.
4. Obviously, no name calling or put downs. Not one. Even one is damaging to a relationship and the level of trust in that relationship. 
5. Meeting in the middle also involves both parties being fully engaged in the conversation, and using a tone that is kind and respectful. Talk to the other person how you would want to be talked to.
6. It involves fess up when you mess up—every time. Make sure you take responsibility for everything you need to. Even if you were not the one who “started it” you likely have a role in working collaboratively with the other person to get to a resolution. State everything you can do to help make the situation better. I talked about the concept of fess up when you mess up—every time, here, if you want to learn more.
7. Recognize and appreciate the person who is bringing up a topic to discuss; especially if you notice he or she is working hard to be respectful and come up with solutions. That person clearly cares and is showing love for the relationship. You can hurt your relationship by disengaging or withdrawing from the conversation. Thus, you might even consider thanking the other person for bringing up the concern!
8. Finally, both parties meet in the middle when they both notice and say all the things going right, and they say out loud all the things they appreciate and are grateful for in regards to the other party, or the other party’s attempts to solve the problem.

Last Thing, For the Relationship Legacy Leaders Out There:
Kids:
Teach your kids the information in this blog. Be a wise teacher about it and use age appropriate language and examples that they can relate to depending on their age and the topics that matter most to them. Be aware when you are thinking or saying negative interpretations about your kids and the damage this can cause. Especially focus your energy on modeling positive XYZ statements in front of your kids, and to your kids.

Kids really respond well to positive XYZ statements. The more appreciated they feel, the more they feel part of a caring family, and the more willing they will be to participate in family activities or chores. You also might find that with all the modeling you are doing, your kids start telling you positive XYZ statements of appreciation that make your heart melt!

I make these recommendations because I really want everyone in your family to:

• Feel appreciated (and not feel taken for granted). 
• Feel a strong sense of genuine connection to their family (and not a forced connection).

At Work:
You can teach kids, or even your coworkers about the topics in here. The information in here definitely applies to the workplace. Clearer communication saves time and money.

Government:
For the Relationship Legacy Leaders interested in politics, have better political discussions with the information in this blog. Have you noticed that many political discussions do not get further than attacking the other party's character or personality? Do you see how this essentially puts the brakes on any constructive discussion or problem resolution? Unfortunately, in my opinion, we are ALL guilty of this (both Democrats and Republicans). It's human nature (we all do it), and we need to understand good communication skills to combat it.

Find ways to communicate about specific examples, your feelings, and your values in a constructive way. Give all sides the chance to speak using a respectful tone. This doesn’t at all mean you will agree on everything (we cannot control that we have different values, beliefs, and ideas for solutions). Furthermore, we need to examine a variety of ideas to come up with the best solution. However, the clearer and more respectful we are, the more we can actually get further into a discussion and really find out the full picture. 

As citizens I believe it is our duty to learn how to constructively discuss political topics and especially topics we disagree on. We also need to vote for people in politics who demonstrate a commitment to constructive communication. I have the opinion that it probably wouldn’t hurt for politicians to take communication and conflict resolution training for the sake of getting more done with less unnecessary fighting, defensiveness, and escalation. Defensiveness and escalation wastes time, and hurts relationships. Communication and conflict resolution skills are incredibly important for the effective working of government. Like I say, they are not "soft skills." 

Healthy Family Systems:
​Today’s blog is also really helpful for the Relationship Legacy Leaders changing bad communication habits in families. Whole family systems can get caught in saying and believing lots of harmful assumptions about each other. Everyone individually needs to watch their own assumptions and be extra careful about adopting negative assumptions (or gossip) about other family members.

I have found that the more the leaders of the family pass along negative assumptions about each other, the more unhappy and disconnected that family feels. It’s especially damaging when parents do this. Furthermore, negative interpretations erode trust. It is my opinion and firm belief that the leaders in the family, typically the older ones, the parents, or the oldest siblings, have a much greater responsibility to be careful about how they talk about other members of the family.

Ideally, family leaders create an atmosphere where it’s okay to learn, to grow, to admit mistakes, and to communicate feelings and concerns in a constructive way. Family leaders will want to model constructive and clear communication, because they set the standard for their family. Children, younger members of a family, and family members with less power do not have as much choice in the habits of a family—they often have to just go along with the rules whether it’s healthy or not.

Talk With a Trusted Friend:
Lastly, brainstorm right now who you feel might be interested in some of the topics in here. Do you have a trusted friend or a close sibling who would love to dive into a conversation about communication? Strike up a conversation with him or her, and get their viewpoint and ideas on negative interpretations and XYZ statements. Tell him or her what you learned in this blog, or what really stood out to you. Talk about what you are thinking of implementing.

Summary:

• The first step is just being aware of when you are thinking or saying negative interpretations. Remember they are sneaky! Give yourself time to root them out of your thoughts and to notice when you say them out loud. Just observe curiously for a month and see what you find.
• Identifying negative interpretations and using clearer communication takes practice. Couples find that they can easily comprehend the concepts above, but actually implementing them takes time.
• If you accidentally say a negative interpretation and you don’t realize it until it was said, no worries! Good job for recognizing it! Just ask for a do over and an opportunity to be more specific.
• You might set an alarm on your phone to remind yourself every day to use a positive XYZ statement. I even like to encourage people to aim for a few of these every day to create a culture of kindness wherever you are.
• Communicating about concerns will never be perfect (or feel totally comfortable), but by using XYZ statements, outlining specific examples, and using a calm tone of voice we can have clearer communication and reduce defensiveness and escalation.
• Relationship Legacy Leaders model and encourage clear and constructive communication; not negative assumptions and character attacks.

Thank You:
Thank you so much for joining me here today. I enjoy being here with other Relationship Legacy Leaders. I know that if all of us work on implementing these strategies we can make a massive difference in our own lives, and in the lives of everyone around us. We do NOT have to get sucked into negativity. We CAN make good choices about our relationships, communication, and mental health.

If this was helpful, please copy this link and share the blog with your social media accounts: https://tinyurl.com/y592q72u When you link to my website this helps more people find me online who are searching for the information in this blog. Thank you so much for your support.

I would love to hear from you. Please comment below with any ideas or thoughts you have so we can continue this conversation. Have a wonderful rest of the day. Thanks again for visiting.

All the best,
Holly

References
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce (3rd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Download and print blog here for your convenience. Feel free to print it and share it if you think the information might help someone you know. 

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Have you had a lot of arguments lately with your spouse or partner? If you have, boy, you know how exhausting it is. There is a lingering feeling of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness that has likely crept into the rest of your life (or forget crept, maybe it is now a new annoying colleague hanging out at work with you!). You are probably not sleeping well. You also know how even when you are not together with your partner you are replaying in your mind the worst things that you both said to each other… So, what do you do?

There is hope and there are effective solutions. However, I have found that taking action in a certain order is important, because there are common pitfalls that couples unknowingly fall into as they are trying to repair their communication. That is part of my job as a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist—helping couples avoid potential pitfalls and also to help them out of the quicksand if they have gotten stuck somewhere. In this blog today I will focus on the very early stages of healing so you can know, with confidence, where to start first. I will give you a hint; it doesn't start with facing all of your biggest issues head on. There is some pregame work to do first.

​I am here to help you get some relief and to break down the growing process into manageable steps.

Here Are 8 Places To Start Right Now:

1. Create realistic expectations, and focus your energy on HOW you disagree and HOW you talk to each other.
​Working through problems and conflict may take many conversations over several months (or even longer depending on the issue). This is especially the case if problems have backlogged. Also, please know that you are normal if you have relationship problems and arguments, because everyone does (and will for the rest of their lives). Instead of wishing to have no conflict (and feeling shame about that), a better and more realistic goal is to have healthy discussions, respectful communication, and stellar listening skills. This is even if you disagree. Actually, it's especially for when you disagree.

When both parties respectfully communicate, and both parties feel heard, this actually resolves most conflict. This is what it means to focus on HOW you disagree. Also, keep in mind that there will just be areas you both are always going to disagree on or have different values on. However, we know as relationship therapists that being heard, and feeling deeply understood, resolves most issues to where both parties are content and can move on. A small number of issues actually need some sort of action plan and follow up.

Something else to think about is that unrealistic expectations equals a whole lot of disappointment, and when we feel disappointed and hopeless, we make poorer decisions. It’s easy to get caught in a downward spiral. So what are your expectations? Are they pretty reasonable or do they need to be adjusted a little bit? Are you trying to solve everything in one conversation and rushing through? Are you focusing more on trying to get everything solved at once instead of focusing on HOW you are talking and listening to each other? How have your expectations made you feel, and how have your feelings impacted how you behave towards your partner?

Building on the concept of better discussions and respectful conversation, I find many people believe they are being respectful, but they aren’t. Really understanding what respectful discussion is, even when we disagree, is part science, part art, and part lots of practice! Respectful communication encompasses a lot of things, but here are just a few highlights: being specific and clear, staying away from all-encompassing negative assumptions, using examples, and being a phenomenal listener. Humility, gratitude, and empathy are pretty important too.

How often you discuss issues is not something to be as concerned about; instead, put your focus on the quality of your discussion. Furthermore, make sure you put the emphasis on your own communication and not your partner’s communication. Couples can move mountains when each person takes full responsibility for how they personally communicate and they stop pointing out everything the other person is doing wrong.

2. Slow down. Slow waaaaaaay down. Picture yourself moving in slow motion, because that is what your conversation needs to feel like!
Couples frequently get into a trap of trying to work through too many problems at the same time. That is why each time you sit down to discuss an issue it is good to agree ahead of time on 1-2 issues to discuss (at most). When I work with couples, they are always shocked at how incredibly slow it feels to focus on 1-2 issues at a time. They really have to work hard at not skipping around (notice the pull the next time you have a discussion).

The paradox is that slowing down and not rushing gets the job done, and can potentially prevent years of rehashing the same disagreement over and over again. Can you think of any conflicts in your relationship that keep popping up? Like a lot of things in life; going slowly and doing a high-quality job the first time can prevent a lot of problems. Slow down; it just might help you get unstuck and move forward faster!
 
3. Engage in regular self-care. Focus on consistent quality sleep and exercise.
When couples are in conflict, it can be hard to do the things that help us feel good. I am giving you permission to stop arguing for a while… Maybe even for a few weeks! When we emotionally feel off balance because we haven’t been working out or sleeping, it makes it very difficult to regulate our negative emotions (anger, irritation, sadness, etc.). As top relationship researchers say, “Two of the most important skills in marriage are to be able to regulate your own negative emotions when you are upset and to be able to regulate your negative emotions when your partner is upset” (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010, p. 136).

If your emotions are controlling you, it will be impossible to successfully resolve disagreements with your partner. Now, I want to clarify that it’s okay to feel these tough emotions. Those emotions are actually really helpful because they are giving you a message to work on something and it’s important to listen to our bodies.

What I’m saying is that if your emotions are out of control when you talk to your partner and you end up saying hurtful things, it is more important (and a much higher priority) to take care of yourself right now than it is to communicate and attempt to work through issues. In summary, engage in regular self-care in whatever way is most helpful for you in order to address your fight-flight-freeze response. Exercise and sleep are especially beneficial in bringing yourself back to a calm state. Self-care first; then communicate when you both are calm and ready for a respectful discussion.

4. Fess up when you mess up—​every time. 
And I mean EVERY time for the rest of your life. This is one of my favorite foundational principles about relationships because employing this strategy just works. Let me say this again. It works! Memorize this statement. Write it down and put it on your fridge. Get a tattoo of it. Every couple will hear me talk about this because it is that important. Moreover, it is essential to the success of any relationship.
​
​From my perspective, I like to prevent problems from becoming big, nasty, black holes that consume everything and suck the light out of a relationship. I find it’s much more efficient to prevent big relationship problems from happening in the first place so you can spend more of your time on the fun and enjoyable aspects of life.

Taking this line of thought further is that not all conflict is going to be prevented (that is never the goal), but instead the goal is to de-escalate and address conflict at the beginning instead of letting every problem or mistake spiral out of control. You could probably see how if every problem escalated how difficult that would be. If you are a couple in conflict you might be experiencing that misery right now.

So, how do you implement fess up when you mess up—every time? Here’s the good news. You have had a LOT of practice calling your partner out on all their problems; so, just switch that focus wholly on yourself! Tongue in cheek here. A little humor, I hope you are not offended, but we know it’s true right?! I find couples are often experts at constantly calling each other out, but are novices in calling themselves out.  

Here’s how you begin: First, try this exercise. You start by each of you committing to no longer calling each other out on the other person’s mistakes (not even one time)! Instead, every time you say something hurtful, forget something, or make a mistake, you fess up to it with your partner. Second, commit to doing this for a length of time (like a week or two). Third, notice and observe how it goes. How did it feel? Did it stop escalation? Were there more positive interactions during that week? Compare it to how you communicated in the past. If you commit to the exercise you should find that things feel so much better; almost a cooling off feeling and a sensation of ease/comfort. You feel better because you are both nurturing emotional safety, accountability, and respect for each other.

Fess up when you mess up—every time, does not mean you never bring anything up (I think that it’s important for partners to keep each other accountable in a healthy way and to bring up problems), but instead it means changing the ratio. You should be calling yourself out 99% of the time and your partner needs to say something to you 1% of the time. Think you can go a whole week only calling yourself out? I hope you try, because if you do you will short-circuit escalation and stop problems at the start. Would you rather deal with a tiny leak now or with rotted out floors?

Here are some examples: “Hey, I’m really sorry. I got mad really quick and I can see how my tone would not make it feel safe to talk to me right now. I am still really mad about something that happened at work and it carried over. Can I start our conversation over again?” Or, “You asked me to pick up those items from the store tonight, and I totally forgot. I am sorry; I know you needed those items. I will run to the store right now.” Another, “I was looking at my phone and not paying attention while you were talking to me. I’m really sorry because I didn’t hear what you said and I imagine it didn’t feel that great because you were talking about something really important. I’m so sorry; let’s start this again. I’m putting my phone away and on silent right now.”

To get caught up, you might think of some hurtful things you said or did this last month or even this last year. Tell your partner what you did, why it was hurtful, and genuinely apologize for it. When both partners commit to this, the results are astounding!

It feels like magic, but it’s not magic. What is it? It’s stopping problems before they get big. It’s creating a family culture where it is safe to make a mistake and talk about it; this is part of being a Relationship Legacy Leader that I discussed in a prior blog. It’s also creating a culture where you can feel confident that if someone hurts someone else, they will hold themselves accountable for it (and the same rules apply to everyone). Being a flawed human being becomes okay and not something to feel ashamed about. Instead, our weaknesses are areas of curiosity and growth, and an opportunity for our family to support each other in positive way.

5. Agree to stop all abusive behavior and psychologically damaging communication. Do NOT attempt to communicate if one or both of you is unable to talk in a respectful way. Take a break as soon as things begin to escalate (within a few minutes at most). If your conflict has escalated to the point of abusive behavior or language it is better to not have conflict at all and to do self-care.
Commit to no more toxic interactions right now. This sounds simple, but honestly, I find that people don’t really understand or even realize when they are crossing the line into psychologically damaging communication. Physical abuse is a little clearer (but even then there can be a lot of denial), but with deep psychological harm there is so much confusion about where that line is. Additionally, if conflict has gone on for years in your relationship, hurtful communication may just be the norm now and you have acclimated to it (like the proverbial frog in boiling water). Ask yourself if you would say what you are saying to a beloved and trusted friend as a way to measure and assess your words and actions.

All of us need to be aware of when we are approaching that toxic line or have crossed it. We are ALL capable of saying some very hurtful things—it's human nature. I find most all couples have crossed the line into psychologically harmful statements, and the risk of doing so is much higher during times of frequent conflict. The best thing you can do is be honest about it and work on it. As a side note, it's also helpful to be honest to your couples therapist about your conflict so that he or she can help you make a plan to feel better and work through that conflict.  
 
Actions to take: First, do an assessment of yourself. When have you crossed the line into harmful language in the past? Have you ever physically hurt someone? Has your partner hurt you physically? Second, decide on where your line is in regards to what you both expect in communication. Third, stick to your values and take a break right away if things get too heated, but make sure you come back to it at a better time. It’s much better to come back to an issue later than to say damaging things that can never be taken back or forgotten, and potentially permanently damage the foundation of your relationship. This is easier said than done.

Recognize that pull you feel to continue a conversation that is not going well. Everyone experiences that feeling, but you need to practice halting harmful communication at the beginning and not after two hours! If you find that you personally cannot stop yourself from saying frequent angry, hurtful, or potentially abusive things, this is an indicator that you might benefit from individual counseling. A counselor can help you get to the bottom of why that is happening. You might have depression, anxiety, or PTSD. All of these conditions can cause irritability and can be treated. 
 
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, there is much more to consider than what I have discussed here. I am referring to couples who occasionally cross the line into toxic or harmful behaviors and communication, but are willing to change and realize that what they are doing is wrong. The best outcome is when all parties are equally invested in healing the relationship and taking responsibility for their actions. If one party does not want to stop abuse and does not want counseling, then the victim needs to seek individual counseling (and not couples counseling) because the abuser will only continue to blame and abuse the victim in couples counseling.
 
6. Commit to the value that hurting others and seeking revenge is never justified. Even if you have been wronged and you are 100% the hurt party.
This is another one of my foundational principles when working with couples and Relationship Legacy Leaders. I talk with people about this because it is essential if you want healthy and thriving relationships. Why? A little background first. Couples love and hurt each other more than anyone else in their lives (this also can happen with best friends, co-workers, siblings, parents, or anyone who you have a close relationship with). People in close relationships hurt each other the most because they face so many of life’s challenging obstacles together, they are vulnerable with each other, and they see each other at their worst. This is part of what we sign up for when we get into a romantic relationship (or any close relationship). 

What is not “normal” or “healthy” is when couples get permanently caught in the trap of, "I’m hurt so I’ll hurt you back." Coinciding with that thought (conscious or not) is usually a sense of feeling justified in hurting the other party. Start being more aware and conscious when you feel this sense of justification. This is a cycle that can go on forever in a relationship. Eventually, no one can sort out who was wronged first, or who was justified in being hurt, and it’s just a slippery slope of endless damaging consequences.

Hurting others because we are hurt cracks the foundation of your relationship in an instant. Furthermore, hurting someone back because we are hurt is not an effective strategy because the message is completely lost—your partner only experiences you hurting them and they never connect why you are doing it in the first place. This is a common cycle that happens with couples, and it’s very important to be aware when you might be slipping into it. We all get caught in this sometimes; the key is to quickly recognize it and address it. Then remember to fess up when you mess up.
​
When couples commit to the value that revenge and hurting each other back is NEVER justified, it helps to short-circuit escalation and to begin the process of fess up when you mess up—every time. Deal with small leaks, not a rotted-out floor. You won't be perfect at this; the goal is to catch as many things as you can early and stop minor issues from escalating. This is easier said than done. It makes sense cognitively, but in reality, this takes a lot of practice and a lot of self-awareness when we are acting out of our hurt. Besides, there are better and much more effective ways to hold each other accountable that can help your relationship become stronger after problems, and not weaker.

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about so that you can have a better idea of when you are hurting someone else out of your own hurt: Your partner made a rude statement to you, so you make one back. One afternoon your partner was not helping with the chores as much as he or she said they would, and so for the rest of the day you give your partner the silent treatment and make curt and short statements. Or, have you ever heard yourself say something along the lines of, "well, he deserved a good chewing out because of such and such?"

7. Show gratitude/appreciation for each other and state out loud all the areas you agree with.

I find that when couples are in conflict it takes a conscious effort to think about and make statements of appreciation and gratitude about their partner. After working with a lot of couples on this, I have found our brains are fairly one-track minded on the negative. There is definitely research support for the fact that negative things are much more salient than the positive ones. That is why in all communication, and especially during disagreements, it is vital that you make a conscious effort to state out loud all the things you appreciate, all the things you are grateful for, all the things you agree with, and all the things you believe are going well.

​This really is a highly effective strategy to cool things down, but it takes conscious effort by both parties. It also takes both parties listening and being receptive to the positive comments made by the other party (noticing when your partner is reaching out to you). The good news is that the positive is contagious and the more you point out the positives, the more the other party will see them too and discuss what they think is positive. You might consider making a statement of gratitude, or even observations of when you agree with your partner, after every few sentences during conflict talk.
 
8. Consider couples counseling.
If you have had several weeks up continuous conflict, it’s better to go to couples counseling sooner rather than later before those problems become ginormous black holes. If they have reached black hole status, get in as quickly as you can. Hey, if you go in to counseling early, no biggie! That is actually the ideal, and it's not going to hurt you. It just means that you only require a little help to be on your way, and you won’t be in counseling for very long. However, when couples wait a long time after experiencing continuous conflict before they come in, the issues can pile up and there is more work to do. You wouldn't wait to seek treatment for cancer until it has taken over the whole body, so why would you wait until relationship problems and conflict have taken over your entire relationship?

When couples wait too long to come in they run a much higher risk of the relationship ending in divorce or a break-up. Any couples counselor will tell you that too often, couples wait far too long before coming in to counseling, and more painful and agonizing break-ups would have been prevented if they would have just come in sooner. It’s always better to put healthy habits into your relationship earlier in order to help prevent major issues. 

Couples might even consider doing some short-term maintenance and preventative work. Did you know you could do that? This would last approximately 4 to 8 sessions. An effective approach to keeping the love alive in your relationship is to do premarital counseling, seek counseling early in your relationship (even if everything seems "fine"), and to do check-ups with a relationship therapist (like you would do with your doctor). I understand though that life gets busy, and relationship problems can sometimes sneak up on you. I also know that at certain periods in a relationship, couples can face an overwhelming amount of stressful situations, all at once, that would take their toll on any couple... Life just gets really hard sometimes. If couples counseling is something you are interested in, you can schedule your appointment with me 24/7/365 here.

Summary:
1. Create realistic expectations, and focus your energy on HOW you disagree and HOW you talk to each other.

​2. Slow down. Slow waaaaaaay down. Picture yourself moving in slow motion, because that is what your conversation needs to feel like!

​3. Engage in regular self-care. Focus on consistent quality sleep and exercise.

​4. Fess up when you mess up—​every time. 

5. Agree to stop all abusive behavior and psychologically damaging communication. Do NOT attempt to communicate if one or both of you is unable to talk in a respectful way. Take a break as soon as things begin to escalate (within a few minutes at most). If your conflict has escalated to the point of abusive behavior or language it is better to not have conflict at all and to do self-care.

​6. Commit to the value that hurting others and seeking revenge is never justified. Even if you have been wronged and you are 100% the hurt party.

7. Show gratitude/appreciation for each other and state out loud all the areas you agree with.

​8. Consider couples counseling.

Conclusion:
I have mentioned some powerful initial steps to think about and implement if you notice that your conflict is increasing as a couple. These steps will create an environment where you can handle conflict in a healthy way and help you to get out of your conflict rut.

Hopefully you noticed a theme of addressing your negative emotions and doing self-care so that you come prepared to have a healthy and respectful discussion with your partner. You won’t regret doing your pregame work! The pregame work is essential to successfully growing from life’s challenges as a couple. You should have also noticed a theme that there is a lot that you can do to heal your relationship right now, and that starts with working on yourself... You are the only one you can change in your relationship.
​
Every couple goes through ups and downs in their life. That is okay, there is no shame in that, and (gasp!) you are normal. Nathan (my spouse) and I disagree about things too. We are different people with different personalities, and we don’t have exactly the same ideas for solving the normal challenges in life. However, our strength is that we are both open to learning and growing from our mistakes, and we make an effort to listen and deeply understand each other. It’s okay to admit that there are some areas we could improve on with our communication, or admit there is something we need to work on individually. No one is perfect—it’s a lifelong discovery process. Enjoy learning about strategies and helpful communication tips with your partner so you can have a thriving, healthy, and fulfilling partnership for the rest of your life.

​​Thank you for hanging out with me today. I enjoy our journey of being Relationship Legacy Leaders together, and I hope you do too. 
I want this information to be incredibly helpful for you and I hope it inspired some ideas and insight. And, I want you to feel better and have more fun with your partner! There were lots of value bombs in here; so if you need to, bookmark this page so you can refer back to it again later as you are implementing these strategies.

I have a favor to ask. If my message resonated with you, posting this blog on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter is greatly appreciated. Also, you can click the Facebook Like button below. If you would rather chat with me, please comment below to add to the conversation. I would love to hear from you. Or, you know what, forget about social media. Pass on what you have learned and what works for you to your kids or to the people in your life, and make this world a kinder place to be. That is what this is about. Thank you for your support. See you next Thursday!

All the best,
​Holly

​References

This picture is so cute and hilarious. I think this dog is ready to party. She must have heard that MoxiePsychology Legacy is now open to the public! I can't wait to serve couples locally here in Springfield, and also in places all around Missouri through my live video Telehealth services. 

If you are looking into couples counseling services and are trying decide if I'm the right fit for you, there is a lot of helpful info for you here on my website. But, if you can't find what you are looking for and need to contact me about a question, please call me or email me. I am here to answer any and all questions you have about couples counseling. 

Here's to helping couples level up their communication skills, bolster their leadership skills, and deepen their friendships! It's an amazing journey of growth and connection. Cheers! Have a wonderful evening.

​- Holly

Download and print blog here for your convenience. Feel free to print it and share it if you think the information might help someone you know. ​

Do you ever wonder what to do to flip negative patterns into positive ones in your family or workplace? Are you tired of the drama in politics, and sick of poor political leadership? Maybe you come from a fairly healthy family system, but you value continuous growth in regards to emotions, communication, and relationships, and you are eager to learn more? Have you experienced the dramatic difference between leaders who genuinely care about the people they influence versus leaders who take advantage of others, delight in seeing others fail, or maybe they even have crossed into being psychologically abusive? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then read on! I care deeply about these topics, and something I am deeply passionate about is inspiring people to become what I call Relationship Legacy Leaders.

What’s a Relationship Legacy Leader? Relationship Legacy Leaders are people who are committed to healthy relationships and emotional health for themselves, and also for the people around them. These progressive leaders deeply value thriving and resilient relationships, but are also keenly aware of the relational and emotional impact they have on other people: friends, relatives, co-workers, people in their community, kids, etc. These leaders know that in order to collaborate effectively, achieve the greatest growth, and to experience meaning and satisfaction out of life it takes growing our relationship and emotional skills.

5 Reasons You Might Want To Be a Relationship Legacy Leader:

​1. You want to set a positive example for your kids.
You want to be a role model yourself and set the bar high, so that your kids have a good example to pull from. In the future you know that relationship skills and emotional intelligence are crucial to your kids’ success.

2. You have personally been the target of abuse and/or neglect.
You know how much pain and suffering that abuse and neglect can cause because you have experienced it yourself, and so you feel driven to learn about healthy communication, thriving relationships, and emotional health. Sometimes when we go through horrible experiences they teach us a lot about our values, how to treat others, and how not to treat people. Thus, you personally know the importance of changing relationship legacies and addressing mental health.

3. You are tired of seeing family, political, or workplace leaders doing harm.
​You know that you can’t just sit back and complain, and you know you need to take action if you want the world to be different. This is one of my favorite quotes: "Be the change that you wish to see in the world" by Gandhi. Or, another version, that maybe closer to what Gandhi actually said, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.”

4. You care about achieving goals in your life.
This could be with your family, friends, in the workplace, in politics, in your place of worship, or in your community. You want to take more control of your relationships, boundaries, and communication skills in order to achieve positive things in life.

5. Healthy relationships in your family, with your relatives, in your workplace, in your community, and in your world are important to you.
​You find meaning and joy out of strong relationships. You believe in the importance of emotional and relationship health.

5 Easy Ways To Start Being a Relationship Legacy Leader:

1. Start to view yourself as, and call yourself a Relationship Legacy Leader.
Believe that you can make a difference and make impactful ripples in your own sphere of influence. There is no expectation to be perfect here, because no one is (me included)! I know I make mistakes every day, and that's okay. The key is being open to growing, taking responsibility for your actions, and learning from your mistakes. Being a Relationship Legacy Leader is a lifelong journey of discovery.

2. Start having conversations with people who you trust, and feel safe connecting with, on the topic of relationships and mental health.
This can be on anything of personal interest to you. Conversation ideas: What do you do to encourage relationship health in your family or in your workplace? What has helped you the most in supporting and maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner? What do you do to encourage strong mental health in your kids? Share your own mental health struggles and your story with someone who would understand and be supportive. What have you learned from both bad bosses and good bosses, and how can you personally apply those lessons to your life?

3. Do you not feel ready yet to guide others and be a leader? Feel like you have a lot to learn? Maybe you feel like you haven’t had great examples to learn from? That's OK. And that's also a perfect place to start.
I always think it’s important to have an honest (but kind and supportive) assessment of ourselves in order to start the process of growing. Furthermore, the best leaders do a lot of work on their own personal growth, and continue to do so throughout their lives. If you feel you need to work on yourself first, begin by cultivating a mindset of childlike curiosity. Then, start learning and taking steps at whatever stage you are at. You can read books or blogs, listen to podcasts, and watch videos from respected leaders about relationships, communication, boundaries, and mental health. You can also seek out counseling, groups, or classes if you so choose. Resource ideas: The Gottman Relationship Blog, Esther Perel: Therapist, Author, & Speaker, Dr. Scott Stanley's Blog (Relationship Researcher and Expert), Psychology Today Blogs, TED Relationships, and KSMU Making a Difference. These resource ideas are just a few that are out there. What's most important is that you find a resource that really resonates with you and is meaningful to you; that way you can connect with the message and get the most out of it in your own life. 

4. Write down one easy and small thing you can start today, that would positively impact your relationships or mental health.
Is there something that has been on your mind that you just haven’t started doing? Or something that you have done in the past that was beneficial, but maybe it got dropped due to being busy? Ideas: Implement a regular date night with your partner, implement 5 minutes a day of “Special Play Time” with your kids where you are totally focused on them and have no distractions, (we call it “Alex Special Play Time” at our house – this is one of Alex’s favorite things since she knows the rule is we don’t get distracted, don’t look at our phones, and are totally focused on connecting with her), implement reading a relationship or leadership book at work and discussing it, or write a thank you note to a leader who has positively impacted you and be very specific why.

5. Take mental note, or actual real notes, on observations you have about your relationships. Just level up your awareness of your own relationships and mental health.
Questions to ask yourself: Who do I admire in my family and workplace, and why? How would I assess my overall mental health? Where do I want to improve my mental health? What am I modeling to my kids or coworkers in regards to relationship and mental health? Who can I partner up with in my family or workplace to start making positive relationship and/or mental health changes?  

My Thoughts:

We are lucky to be living in this time period right now.
​I personally feel that we are lucky to be living at this point in history because we have access to so much information and research on relationships and mental health. I think that in the past our parents (and their parents, and so on) did not have such easy access to so many resources. 

So, now that we have more resources, let’s make the most of it.
We don’t have an excuse to not be informed. I think that if we want to walk the walk, and make changes in this world (and not just sit back and complain about it), we have to educate ourselves and be proactive in making changes. If each of us collectively works on our relationships and emotional intelligence in our own spheres of influence, we can make a huge difference in the world as a whole.

Speaking of resources, a little side note from me about the psychology field.
Psychology is a newer field of science when we look at the entire history and evolution of humans, and I think that the Psychology field as a whole could do a better job in getting the word out to the public about what we know and how we can help. But I think we are getting there, and we are learning every day as a field (this is why I have a feedback page on my website - I really want to know how the field of Psychology can better help people).

One of the reasons why I do counseling and have this blog is to support and serve the public. As my business grows I hope to add classes and workshops in order to reach out to the community and connect with people. Some people need counseling, but others don’t. Counseling is just one modality to serve the public with much needed resources and support. Furthermore, due to the nature of counseling being private and confidential, it blocks the flow of information out to the public. There is a lack of transparency in regards to what we know, and what we do, unless you are actually currently in counseling.

I know just how powerful learning and growing our relationship and mental health muscles can be. Do you?
​Humans are realizing that we just can’t take for granted or assume we have expertise in mental health and relationships. In the past, skills in psychology were viewed as not necessary to be taught, and easy to learn. It’s also been assumed that since we all have relationships, we must be good at them, right?! We are sort of going with the Maybelline approach-"Maybe she's born with it?" 

Well, just like anything else, if we want to be good, we need to learn and practice. It’s similar to the habits we put in place, and the ongoing practice we do, if we want to be physically healthy. Would you expect that someone, with no experience or training, could just walk out on a basketball court with professional basketball players and play at their level? Of course not! So why have we viewed relationship skills and mental health skills as something we just are born with, and know how to do?

There will always be problems, and we can't change that, but we can change HOW we deal with them.
I believe with all my heart that if each of us takes responsibility, is accountable, learns from our mistakes, and stays open to growing, that we will be able to positively change how we treat each other in the world. When we treat each other better and communicate more effectively, we have the best possible chance of solving the challenges we share. There will always be problems, challenges, difficulties, or whatever you want to call them. It’s just part of life. As humans we cannot remove the fact that we have problems. But we do have control, and we do have a choice in HOW we decide to solve them.

Join the community.
Will you join this community of Relationship Legacy Leaders? Will you make the choice to value healthy relationships and mental health in yourself, and also support others in their journey? You CAN learn, you CAN grow, and you CAN make positive changes in your life and in the lives of others.

Thank you for giving me your time today. I don't take it for granted.
Thank you for joining me today by reading my blog. I hope the information was helpful for you and sparked some ideas. Please comment below to add to the conversation. I would love to hear from you. If my message resonated with you, posting this blog on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter is greatly appreciated. See you next Thursday!

All the best,
​Holly

KSMU ozarks public radio is doing some wonderful local pieces about mental health. You should definitely check them out if you haven't had the chance. This one is about Stephanie Appleby, the Director of Marketing and Development at NAMI of Southwest Missouri, and her own experiences with Agoraphobia. NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Stephanie was very brave to speak candidly about her struggles, triumphs, and a point when she did not feel that life was worth living anymore. Thank you Stephanie for sharing, because your story is going to help someone out there. Maybe some of you can relate to her story, or maybe there is someone you love who struggles with mental illness.

I refer to KSMU's mental health pieces as "groundbreaking" because we are still as a society getting comfortable talking about mental health. Thank you KSMU for putting a spotlight on mental health stories here locally! The more I see stories in the news about mental health, communication, and relationships, the more encouraged I am that the tide is changing for the better in regards to breaking the shame and stigma around mental health. ​Let's talk about it! And let's not be afraid to take care of ourselves!

Download and print blog here for your convenience. Feel free to print it and share it if you think the information might help someone you know. ​

If you are a similar to me, you might be interested how to support kids in being able to speak up with confidence and clarity. I believe that it's important for kids to feel like they have a voice in their family and in their community. It's our role to help kids find constructive and healthy ways to communicate about agreements (and disagreements). The ability to constructively communicate, and to communicate with confidence and clarity, is an essential life skill. Furthermore, I believe that communication standards and expectations in the workplace are much higher than they used to be - it's not something that as parents or teachers we can put off anymore as a "soft skill" if it's our job to do our best to prepare our children for adulthood. Beyond the importance of life skills, feeling heard and feeling like one has a voice, just makes us feel loved and part of a family that cares.  

There are so many positive outcomes from encouraging healthy parent and child communication. However, I know (being a parent myself) you think of the positive situations but also the scary ones... Maybe in the future you want to know if your child is being bullied, and you want them to feel comfortable sharing what happened with you. You would hate to discover, years later, that your child hid the bullying from you or that the bullying went on for a long time. Along the same lines, you want your child to feel okay sharing if they feel uncomfortable with something (or someone), and if they were abused by someone.

​In my work I help people change their own relationships, but also their relationship legacies. Encouraging healthy parent and child communication is a way to change the legacy of abusive or poor communication in one's family. You might be someone who wants to change the patterns you have seen in your own family, but you don't know where to start or would like some additional ideas. Definitely keep reading!

Ultimately, building up your child’s speaking skills and their ability to feel safe and  comfortable sharing their lives, ideas, and personal feelings with you, is just simply a very healthy thing do as a parent. The possibilities are endless in which your child can use these skills now and for the rest of their lives.  

A little about me and my family so you know where I am coming from. First, my family. I am married to a handsome and awesomely funny guy named Nathan (his superpower is the ability to make anyone laugh, I’m talking deep belly laugh over and over again!). We have one daughter and her name is Alex. Alex will be 4 years old in a couple months and she is super into unicorns and Blaze & the Monster Machines. About me, I am the type of person that constantly has ideas flowing through my mind about psychology, relationships, business, and life. My superpower is being able to creatively apply abstract psychology and business concepts to life. This idea of how do I encourage my own daughter to feel confident while speaking up, while at the same time utilizing healthy and constructive dialogue, has been deeply intriguing me lately. I want to share my ideas with you in case they might be useful.

17 Tips to Encourage Healthy Parent and Child Communication

1. Start young.
It’s never too early to start this. I think that the earlier you begin, the more natural this will be for the both of you.

2. Start now.
Now is the best time to begin this.​

3. Start small.
Do the recommendations here, in a focused way, once a day for 1-5 minutes.

4. Notice when your child has interjected with something particularly insightful.
Amp up your awareness of when your child says or does something particularly insightful, meaningful, self-aware, or helpful. Your child may be trying to reach out with their brilliance, but if you weren't paying attention, you may have missed it! Show them you care and that you will take note.

Examples: When she notices something important in the house that was broken that maybe you were not even aware of, when she tells you a pet or a sibling needs help, when she tells you something you said or did that was hurtful, when she offers to help without being asked, when she admits to a mistake she made (all on her own) and how she is going to fix it, or when she chose to not follow bad decisions made by her friends and instead chose a better course of action for herself.

5. Notice the ordinary things.
Ordinary and regular daily things are important too. It’s vital to provide a supportive environment for your child to feel emotionally safe enough to communicate with you about all topics (the big, the small, and the ordinary). 

6. Notice your child's ideas.
Be aware when your child has ideas. Ideas on just about anything! Your radar should perk up and say to you: "this might be a good time to make sure I can demonstrate good listening skills right now."

Please try to restrain your grouchy, tired, and bitter parenting voice that’s in there (you know what I’m talking about!) when your child has ideas on all sorts of things (like, "how can I turn myself into a unicorn?"). Your job is to show genuine interest in her ability to be creative, and to not shoot the ideas down right out of the gate. Now, I understand that your child could definitely have some questionable ideas, or ideas that probably won’t work based on what you know about the world. Please first demonstrate genuine interest and curiosity to her insights and then much later in the conversation you can add your insights and ideas too.

7. Notice feelings.
Notice all different kinds of feelings. Your goal is to convey: I see you. And I hear you. And I'm here for you.

Help your child describe her emotions, how her body feels, and what she feels like doing or saying when she experiences certain emotions.

8. Validate the things you notice.
Practice excellent validation skills as much as you can when you communicate with your child.

Validation is a whole topic on it’s own, but it’s showing genuine interest, care, and awareness of the other person’s thoughts and feelings. It’s great listening skills on steroids – it’s deeply understanding the message being conveyed from the other person’s perspective (even if you do not agree or you have different experiences) by saying an affirming statement, or statements, to the other party. On the receiving end of validation, it feels like “wow, this person gets me and really understands what I am going through right now.”

For example, your child is crying and says “My best friend told me my shirt was ugly.” You could say, “Your friend told you today that your shirt was ugly, and that made you really upset. That has to be hard to hear coming from someone you really care about.”

Adding validation as a regular part of your communication is harder than it sounds, and it takes a lot of practice. Also, I think that as adults it’s easy to disregard children’s ideas as trivial or not as important to the big/important things we do and think about as adults. But, here’s the thing. As adults, WE don't like to be invalidated, and WE sure appreciate when someone understands what we are going through. Kids are the same. Additionally, kids are learning if their voice is important, if they will be heard, and if you care.

Validate things, big and small, so when it comes time for your child to share something with you or the world, they feel confident in doing so.

9. Appreciate.
Say how much you appreciate what she brought up and why. Convey a genuine/real why. If your child feels appreciated and knows exactly why she is appreciated, she will be many times more likely to do it again. And, who doesn’t like to feel appreciated?   

Example: “I really appreciate your idea for taking turns with your brother so you both can get equal amounts of time here. I appreciate your idea because it shows me how much you care for your brother and how you want things to be equal and fair between the two of you.”

Demonstrating appreciation actually works really well with adults too. I like to implement consistent and daily appreciation when working with couples, and what I find interesting is that they are always amazed at how effective this is. It’s just too easy to get busy and distracted, and take others for granted... Or to think others just SHOULD have to do things for us (yikes, a little too much ego here!). We have to make a conscious effort to show appreciation if we want healthy relationships. Furthermore, think of how much it helps when your boss shows genuine appreciation for the hard work you have done. Compare this to a boss who didn't notice anything you did and only had harsh, critical, and unfair judgments to say. A  big difference, huh?

10. Come back to it.
If you are in a rush and have a busy modern life as a parent, an important figure in that child's life, or a teacher, you may not get the chance to chat for even 2 minutes on whatever the child brought up. Validate the child, and then explain you are short on time, but you will come back later to it because it’s important to you. Keep your word.

11. Model sharing your own insights and ideas (age appropriate) to your child, and teach them good listening skills in response.
This doesn’t have to take long (especially with small children with short attention spans). However, with older children you will have opportunities for longer and more in-depth conversations. Share an idea and then as they are listening provide one constructive, non-blaming, or educational feedback statement as appropriate and applicable to the moment.

12. Model healthy and emotionally safe communication with your partner and set the bar high.
Your kids are always watching. You set the tone and the bar for your family. Your kids will determine if it’s safe or not to discuss the minor to the major topics based on years of watching you. Additionally, keep in mind that parents are the leaders of the family. What do leaders do? They dive in first and they model good behavior. I want to emphasize you don't need to be perfect here. That would actually be harmful and unproductive to pretend to be perfect! The goal is actually to have a growth mindset, a natural curiosity for how to continuously improve communication, and a willingness to apologize whenever one makes a mistake.

13. Develop your ability to act thoughtfully and rationally on information versus emotionally escalating and saying emotionally reactive statements.
This is important. Kids won’t share important topics if they think you’ll blow up at them (or not contribute to the discussion).

If you can’t be rational and thoughtful in the moment, that’s okay! Remember, just come back to it later. It’s much better to come back later with a clear head so you can avoid saying harmful or unhelpful comments that can really hurt your child. It's better to avoid saying harmful things that your child will never forget. Your child will be much more understanding if you come back later to the conversation versus experiencing a barrage of hurtful comments and emotionally reactive statements. Being emotionally reactive in the moment can also include just checking out of the conversation and not being engaged.

14. See the long-term picture; healthy parent and child communication is a life-long relationship habit.
This is not a one-time thing; it’s a forever thing. It's a way of life. You may need to do practice in order to grow your relationship muscles in this area. Be patient. You may not see the fruit of your work right away.

15. Remember that as parents, how you interact with your child forms the basis of how they expect others to treat them.
If children find that when they speak up they are heard, validated, and loved, they will expect that others will treat them the same. They will be more likely to be confident, have higher self-esteem, and feel less fear around speaking up about a variety of topics.

If children find their ideas are discounted, made fun of, or shamed, they will be much less likely to speak up, and will be more likely to expect people to hurt them or to not care. Why should they care about their voice, if no one else does?

16. Ask all sorts of questions about your child’s life with real enthusiasm.
Think outside the box with this and go beyond the typical “how was your day?” Something Nathan and I like to ask Alex is, "what was the silliest thing that happened today?" We definitely get some funny answers as you can imagine coming from a 3-year old!

Even if your child doesn’t seem too interested in answering your questions, they key is that she gets the feeling you deeply care about her and what’s going on in her life. It's still a win, even if your child doesn't offer up much in response. Maybe in that moment she doesn't feel like saying much, but I promise you, kids always notice if you genuinely care! You might find that later that night your child enthusiastically shares something really big with you. And that's why you don't ever stop asking caring questions - think about the big picture here.  

17. Have fun.
Enjoy getting to know the unique, wonderful, amazing human being that is your child! That’s really what it’s all about. Relish in the wonderful and meaningful relationship you have! Life is about relationships.

How will you know if your efforts are working?

• You will notice an increase in the frequency of insightful, helpful, and self-aware comments.
• Your child will show delight in sharing things with you.
• You will grow in your own delight in hearing from your child.
• Your child will feel emotionally safe in sharing personal or potentially embarrassing things.
• Your child will start to be more independent and take more responsibility for herself.
• Your child will begin to model your example of showing appreciation and validation for others’ thoughts and feelings. Proud mama bears and papa bears right here when this happens!
• You will see your child’s confidence grow in speaking up and sharing her ideas in a variety of settings and with a variety of different people.
• You will see your child speak up for the health and safety of others. You should see the deepening of empathy. It's a cycle. When kids know they are loved and they matter, the more they have in their bank. The more that's in their bank, the more they can give.

On the empathy cycle topic, I want my daughter to know I value and respect her. It is equally an expectation in our household that she shows respect to everyone - this includes people who are different from her or who she disagrees with. I know that if Alex feels respected and valued, she will be more likely to be able to show that to others. Developing healthy parent and child communication is a powerful way to nurture a high level of respect in one's family (even if we don't always agree).

For me personally, I want lines of communication to be open in my family so that hopefully we can have a healthy and close relationship that is fulfilling for all of us throughout the years. In life, we change, our kids change, and life around us changes constantly. And this can be hard. So hard. In the midst of constant change, it’s helpful and adaptive for us to find ways to encourage, model, and support good communication. This is so that not just our kids have a voice, but everyone in the family has a voice that is caring, constructive, respectful and confident.

There are lots of ideas in here for you to think about. You might bookmark this page to come back to it and review it again later as needed. I hope this blog was helpful for you and that you discovered something you can apply right away.

Thank you for taking the time to be with me today. Just by reading, thinking, and learning about these topics you are doing something really positive. It's already a step in the right direction. My wish is that something here will spark some incredible relationship changes for you now, and also for your kid's kids. 

If you liked this blog post, was there an idea in here that you might try? What do you like to do in your family to encourage healthy parent and child communication? This is definitely nowhere near a cumulative list. I would love to hear your ideas - please comment below!

Like or Tweet my post if this was useful for you. I really appreciate it! 

Keep a look out for my latest blogs on Thursdays. Talk to you again next week!

- Holly 

New blogs will be released every Thursday. The first one will be released tomorrow! Are you excited? I am!

I value your ideas and would love to hear from you. Please add your comments to my blog if there is something that you would like to add to the conversation. You very likely have something helpful someone else could learn from and benefit from. Looking forward to interacting with other Relationship Legacy Leaders and learning together.